But then again, aren’t they all?
Seriously though, the man who’s been my therapist for over a decade, Doctor Avrum Costin, was too sick to do my therapy session today. We’re going to try again tomorrow.
He said that he had an upset stomach and “other issues related to his age” and so he could not do our session.
No problem, I said, we can do it tomorrow.
I’m flexible like that. Change is not nearly as big a deal for me as uncertainty. As long as I know when the next appointment is, I am good.
But of course, now I am worried about him.
He’s in his seventies, after all. That’s a very delicate age. Small things can turn into big things very easily. Abd big things can lead to death.
My mother turned 70 earlier this month.
I try not to think about it.
I don’t want to have to look for another therapist. Because there probably isn’t one. The psychiatrists are all dying or retiring just like the rest of the MDs, and I shudder to think of how long I would need to wait for one this time, seeing as it took them damned near a decade to find me Doctor Costin.
Maybe I would end up having to go back to…. group therapy. (dun dun DAAAAAH)
Actually, I would handle group therapy a lot better now. I am way more self-confident, aware of my surroundings, assertive, and self-possessed now.
I would not let myself get cut off by other people interrupting me, that’s for sure. And if I was feeling like nobody was really listening to me or cared about me, I would definitely bring that up instead of letting it fester away and make me emotionally detach myself from the group and go into that same passive mode I used all through my childhood when the older people were talking and I was just barely paying attention enough to know when someone was talking to or about me.
But I knew that I was not invited to the discussion and speaking up would just remind people I existed and they would act like I had just beamed in from Mars and farted in their faces, so I said very little unless directly addressed.
Back one parenthetical, I would handle group therapy better than when I was in the Core Program out of the Adult Psychiatric Outpatient department of Richmond Hospital all those years ago.
But I would probably be a lot less well behaved. I would be using that space to work through a lot of the assertion/aggression issues I should have handled when I was a teen, as well as the basic social instincts I should have learned in kindergarten and that means nobody would know what I was going to say or do, least of all me.
I think that’s been part of what is keeping me from finally growing the hell up : my unwillingness to just go with my emotional responses and suffer the consequences on the way to learning who I am.
I’m still treating life like a game of chess, thinking I can make the strategically perfect move every single time and hating myself when I fail at this impossible task.
That’s no way to live. I will get over that and learn to just be human, for fuck’s sake.
That’s why I keep talking about not judging actions taken in the moment by the standards of afterthought, when you have plenty of time to think about it.
That’s one of the primary ways my superego is corrupt. It pulls that shit.
More after the break.
Brain = zero ergo smut
Feeling pretty mentally blank at the moment, so I figured it’s art show time.
We’ll start slow and soft with this lovely couple.
Aren’t they adorable? A blue jay and a squirrel. I picture their relationship starting as a squabble over an acorn that turned amorous.
And seeing as they are both male, the fact that they could hardly be cross-fertile doesn’t really matter, does it?
I mean, they’re not even in the same part of the animal kingdom.
Perhaps they will adopt an abandoned chick. Or baby squirrel. Or some third thing.
We homosexuals can’t be too fussy when it comes to outlets for our parental instincts. It’s adopt a kid or spoil the bejesus out of a cat or small dog.
Part of me still wants to raise a kid. I have so much maternal love in my heart. Such a strong drive to nurture and protect.
And I’ve never had someone to focus it on!
What else have I got… ah.
I call this one “Big Boys Love Cream”.
It’s even my favorite flavour.
Hard to describe my mood lately. Moody and broody, I suppose. I definitely feel like I have something happening way down deep in my soul, leaving my conscious self pacing in the waiting room like an expectant father.
I hope Joe will be OK. I miss him so damned much. 🙁
Got to give this next one a proper introduction. Ahem.
With a knick knack, paddy whack….
I never said I wasn’t sick.
What’s more, I enjoy it. I enjoy it a LOT.
Tomorrow is another busy day. I have both Wound Care plus a quick visit to Doctor Chao’s office for another dose of Vitamin B12.
I am going to make sure to book my next few appointments in advance so I can get my shot more often than like once a month.
In theory, the shots could jump-start my own B12 absorption and maybe then I could maintain a normal B12 level without the shots.
And that could change everything.
Maybe I wouldn’t feel so cold and weak and scared all the time any more.
Maybe it’s been a nutritional problem all this time.
Maybe all I have really needed was more animal products in my diet.
Maybe I could actually feel OK.
I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.