Like a record, baby. Right round round round.
Had a really severe attack of dizziness last night. Felicity, Julian, and I had just finished Zooming together and I got up to go to the living room for the PVR portion of the evening and it hit me so hard.
(Carson audience : “How hard was it?”)
Hard enough to bring you people back from the dead, apparently.
Seriously though, it was horrible. As bad as these attacks have ever been. Felt like gravity was in violent flux all around and I was being squeezed like a tube of toothpaste by it the whole time.
And yet, I made my usual midnight snack anyway. And that was a foolish and dangerous thing to do. A sane person would have immediately sat down or laid down and waited till the dizziness wore off, or even maybe called 911.
Hmmm. I honestly doubt I could have worked the phone at that time. Everything was moving and shaking so much. It would be like trying to dial a phone in an earthquake.
An angry earthquake. In space.
But no, I set out to make my snack then sit down to watch things with Julian and Felicity, so that’s what I was going to do, god dammit.
This is not the first time when I felt like my deep need to finish what I start has causd me to risk my life unnecessarily, and it won’t be the last.
It’s like the waves of dizziness just made me more determined than ever to finish my task. Like I had to do it anyway out of pure spite.
That kind of determination could be a major asset if I focused it properly.
I mean, if I can make my snack despite gravity deciding it hates me, how big a deal is it to do something productive despite the waves of bone-deep icy fear hitting me?
I am tired of the tyranny of my fears. Fuck that. I do not submit to their rule.
The rebellion starts right now, and we will resist the tyrants on every level.
Anyhoo, I managed to not die while popping microwave popcorn et al and made it to my little couch in the living room in less than two pieces.
And when, about an hour and fifteen minutes later, I got up from the couch to go back to my bedroom and sleep, I was still dizzy.
That’s what really worries me. It conjures a memory of my Grandma, my father’s mother, and how when she died she was completely bedridden by vertigo.
I feel more or less normal now. I guess my blood pressure has stabilized, or whatever.
The thing is, this problem has mostly disappeared. I hardly ever have these attacks any more. So I have to ask myself, what changed?
Well, I had some KFC last night. Not sure how that could cause dizziness in yours truly, but I suspect cholesterol was involved.
So I will be avoiding KFC for a while, just in case.
Now, were I a sane person, such an extreme event would send me running to the nearest medical person, presumably in the ER.
Or Urgent Care, technically, but seriously, fuck those people.
But patient readers know that I won’t do that. Why? Because I just want things to go back to normal, and the ER is like the opposite of normal.
So I will wait and see. If it happens again, then I will go to the ER.
And now, this afternoon, I have been peeing every fifteen minutes or so, which is a lot even for me. And the last time I peed, I felt a terrible pain somewhere in my urinary system, like something was trying to force its way through too small an opening and that was making that entire system stretch out painfully.
So now that’s going on. Sigh.
I might end up in the ER anyway if there starts to be blood in the urine.
My life is so much fun.
More after the break.
Cranberry Road revisited
God damn it, looks like I am heading to the ER again.
Because yup, there is blood in my urine now. There probably was when I wrote there wasn’t before, it just took me a while to figure out how to figure it out.
I guess I was in denial. I was peeing into my receptacle and the urine in it was not turning red so I figured I was OK.
But a few more pees later, I noticed the fluid seemed to be a little darker than before. A few more pees, and yup, it was dark now.
So I emptied the thing out into the sink and waited for my next pee. And sure enough, it was red like cranberry juice.
In fact, I think I’m just peeing blood now.
And that’s not good, but normally would not be a source of panic because to be quite honest, going to the ER has become quite routine for me.
Sad but true.
But normally it would be Julian driving me there. But he is quite sick himself and I do not wish to even ask him to do it because he might say yes and I don’t think he should do it.
He needs to concentrate on getting better, and that’s all.
And Joe, as you know, is already IN the hospital, so he can’t drive me. And while I am worried about my urinary health, this is not the sort of thing you call 911 about, let alone request an ambulance.
So if I am to get there, it would be in a cab. And I have not taken a cab since my legs first went boom. I have never gotten into a cab while using a walker before, and that makes me nervous.
I honestly don’t know if I can make it that far. I can probably make it to the front door of our building. That’s not a lot further than when I go from the elevator to our car.
But getting from the front door to a cab and then somehow loading myself and the walker into the can seems beyond me.
So I dunno. I guess, by default, I will have to wait and see how my condition goes.
I think that maybe the bleeding is tapering off. But I am not at all sure. It could be just that I have run out of pee and, like I said, it’s just blood coming out of me now.
Right now, I am in the throes of indecision. My best option is to take a cab to the ER and I am not sure I can even do that.
I guess if it gets worse, I will call 911 and consult with them. And if it gets better… good.
I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.
Assuming I am not in the hospital.