Come to think of it, I never did tell Doctor Costin about being depressed this week.
Oh well, can’t think of everything. It was not that big a deal anyhow, especially not compared to the lows of the previous week.
I guess I could have told him about being really sleepy, too. Technically, that might be therapeutically relevant, as increases (or decreases) in sleep can be a sign of mental illness getting worse.
Meh. Whatever. I’m getting better, not worse. I am positive about that.
Getting better might involve feeling worse from time to time, granted. But that doesn’t bother me any more.
I can feel things waking up and coming online deep inside my mind, where my scare little animal lives. Spring is coming to my little world just like it’s coming to the big world outside my window, and I couldn’t be happier about that.
And I know that’s going to fucking hurt, too. Like I said to Doc Costin today, it’s like waking up your hand after it falls asleep.
You know it’s going to hurt. Pins and needles and maybe even a cramp or two. But you do it anyway because it’s so terrifying to not be able to feel part of your body.
That’s where I am now. My campaign of directing my energies down to the very roots of my psyche is really picking up speed and it’s thawing me out down there at an accelerating pace as every bit of progress adds to the energy available for more.
Ain’t that somethin?
Best of all, I think I am finally starting to tap into the healing power of frustration. Like I have said a million times before, I am really fucking sick of this stupid little life of mine, but this time I am forcing myself to realize that there are things I can do about that.
I can make things better. I can fix things. I am not some helpless hopeless waif without power or agency. I’m an astoundingly intelligent and resourceful and competent grownup and there is nothing I can’t do if I just put my mind, soul, and will behind it
I am through with being scared to try. Try, get hurt, whine about it, then try again.
After all, I am fucking amazing. So why be scared? I am going to kick this mean old world’s ass until it likes it.
As far as I am concerned, I am owed the world, and I intend to collect. I have suffered in the shadows for a very long time and now I am going to come out swinging.
Don’t call it a comeback. I’ve been here for years.
Another rather bracing thing that came up during therapy was just how much of my life has been spent (wasted) staring at screens.
TV screens, computer screens, game console screens, now my tablet’s screen. The vast majority of my life has been experienced through a screen rather than, ya know, actually dealing with reality.
And that’s a horrifying thought. No wonder my world doesn’t seem real to me sometimes. So much of it isn’t, and hasn’t ever been!
At some point, probably about when I pulled myself out of that deep hole I fell into in my early 20’s, I fully adapted to this self-entertaining lifestyle where I do nothing but amuse myself without anything to show for it.
Well that’s not enough any more.
I want things. And nobody is going to come along and give them to me. I am going to have to go out there and get them.
And for once, I feel like that’s worth doing.
More after the break.
That cold, black cloud is coming down
Love those vocal harmonies. So beautiful!
Anyhow, that’s just my melodramatic way of saying I feel depressed. And unwell. I feel like there is an evil spirit hovering over me and draining my life energy.
More specifically, I feel lethargic and out of sorts. I think maybe the sleep apnea was particularly bad during my last nap and it’s left me feeling oxygen depleted.
I should take another stab at getting a blood oxygen meter. I bought one for like $6 off of some Chinese site once and, big surprised, it did not work.
In fact, I am pretty sure they sent me a display version of the product, which was totally the right product on the outside but there was no electronic guts on the inside
Oh well. These days, if you pay that little for something, you know it’s a gamble. Maybe you will get what you ordered. Maybe you will get the sort of thing I got.
And maybe you’ll just get a card that says, “Stupid foreigner! You really think you get an air fryer for two dollars? We laugh at you! Ha ha ha! ”
Anyhow, I have been doing my little breathing exercises to try to get that blood oxygen level back up. Mostly doing the “maximum exhale”, where I do my best to push ALL the air out of my lungs.
That’s a pretty uncomfortable thing to do, but it usually works. Get the bad, used up air that I think accumulates in the bottom of my lungs out.
Like there is something wrong with my lungs that means I don’t quite clear all that de-oxygenated air out of my lungs when I exhale, and thus, it accumulates over time.
That’s my theory, anyhow. And presumably it gets even worse when I sleep.
Makes me wonder if I could get therapeutic benefit from just hanging upside down for a little while now and then.
Then the bad air would end up at the top of my lungs, where it is more easily exhaled.
Not sure how I would do that safely, though. Hmmm.
I need two big burly men to hold me by the ankles.
For a variety of reasons.
I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.