Still feeling pretty sleepy. Guess I’m not caught up yet. Dammit.
As a result. having minor thinking issues. Nothing serious enough to be considered a symptom, just minor difficulty concentrating and/or staying focused.
Hey, did you know that cat and dog food would be perfectly fine for human consumption if they didn’t deliberately add a chemical to make it taste horrible and make us sick?
Why do they do that? Is the meat industry behind this? Or is it to maintain the distinction between humans and animals to make it clear to our messed up instincts that we are still definitely higher status than them and therefore what we do to them is OK?
Including grinding them up to make pet food?
Anyhow, where was I… oh right, trouble staying focused.
Of course, the real problem that always comes up when I have one of these sleepy periods is that my sleep is terrible.
I get around three or four hours of sleep at night, which sadly enough is still better than when I had no nightly sleep period at all, just naps.
So progress IS possible.
The rest of my sleep I get in naps of like an hour and a half at most that are scattered throughout the day at somewhat random times.
But like I have said here before, there is more to it than that. I think I retreat into sleep during the day when I can’t cope with even my sad and sordid sequestered reality any more and I need to hide in sleep.
When you’re asleep, you don’t have to deal with anything. You don’t have to cope. You are as close to dead as you can get without actually dying.
Death is too much of a commitment.
I mean, what if it turns out I don’t like being dead? Then what?
Besides, I don’t want to be dead. I want to be alive and having fun. There is so much of life I have yet to explore. I have so much to look forward to if I just let myself have hope.
I’m working on it.
Lately I have been thinking about levity. Effervescence. Lightness of being. Giving your soul a lighter than air quality so that your mood always rises up despite whatever life throws at you.
It’s an exciting notion, but also kinda scary. I guess to the old, sick, obsolete part of my mind, it seems to much like going “out of control”.
But healthy me is like, “So what?”. So I am out of control. So I might do things I don’t expect and lose some of that feeling of deadly predictability.
There are worse fates. Right now, everything is predictably bad. My soul is choked by this oppressive blanket of numbness that makes doing even the simplest of things nearly impossible because in order to do them, I would have to WAKE UP MORE.
And that is apparently not an option. Sheesh.
Well I am going to change all that. I keep pumping energy into the deepest layers of my psyche and doing my best to think gentle, loving, forgiving thoughts about myself in order to convince that scared little animal inside of me that it’s safe to come out now.
It’s okay, little fella. You can come play outside. The sun is warm and the ground is dry and the sky is blue and everything is waiting just for you!
It’s a wonderful world out there full of fun things to do and great experiences to have and maybe even a man or two to make your life even brighter.
So step outside, breathe the clean fresh air, and be free.
More after the break.
The ultimate prosthesis
Let’s play, “what would Fru need in order to be functional?”.
Hopefully, this is the last time I will need to do this. More on that later.
Well, to start off, my “prosthetic” would have to be a person. My issues are way too complicated and nuanced to be solved by a mechanical device or app.
I think what I need the most is someone who can hold my hand while I do things in such a way that I feel grounded and safe, and thus remain calm.
I could do damned near anything just so long as I have some way to keep from panicking. My tendency to get freaked out over the tiniest thing is my greatest weakness and ultimately the main thing holding me back.
Which reminds me : Doctor Costin wants me to try that Xanax he prescribed me. Now where the heck did I put it?
Of course, any effective assistant of mine would have to not only help me not to panic but to keep me organized in order to prevent these exact situations.
I’d be able to just hand them things and they would tuck them away somewhere safe until I asked for them at a later date.
Seems simple enough, but to me, that would be miraculous.
And it would help with the first part too. I would be a lot less high strung and overwrought and thus prone to panic if I knew what what I needed would always be there when I needed it without my having to remember where I put it.
What else…. well massages sure would be nice but I am not sure that I could consider that to be an acceptable part of their duties.
Maybe if they were a licensed massage therapist, I would ask. But otherwise it would be rather creepy of me to demand it, n’est-ce pas?
And of course, standard assistant duty, they would have to keep my calendar so that I don’t have to worry about appointments, dates, gatherings, and so on.
Right now Julian does this for me, and I love him for it. 🙂
I hope this is the last time I make a list like this because I am trying to stop thinking of myself as so pathetic and helpless and encourage myself to realize that I can do things to help myself and improve my situation without anyone else’s help.
But realistically, there may be a limit to how far I can go with that. It could turn out that no matter how fiercely independent I learn to be, there’s some things I just can’t do.
And for those, I would still need my “prosthetic”.
I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.