Took me an hour and twenty minutes to get out of bed just now
And that’s just not acceptable. It throws my usual schedule way off. It’s almost 5:30 pm and I am only sitting down to blog and eat my supposed lunch NOW.
I’m going to have to movie supper from its usual 8 pm to 8:30 pm to partially compensate. And I should not be messing with my patters of digestion like that.
And it’s getting worse. 80 minutes between waking and rising is merely the latest top score. It’s been growing by around 10 to 15 minutes a day for a week now.
And it’s a physical and emotional; strain. It makes me feel like I am losing what little control I have in my life and that makes me very uneasy.
That said,if this is part of the price I have to pay to get free of my mental prison, I can live with that. I will pay it gladly.
This “Operation Rainbow Valley” of mine, wherein I transition to a new, sunnier, more positive outlook on life, is a major undertaking that is bound to destabilize a heck of a lot more than just my sleep schedule beofre it’s done.
If so, so be it. All options are on the table, up to and including going genuinely full on batshit cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs crazy for a while, if that’s what it takes to become sane.
Obviously, I would prefer it didn’t come to that. And as far as I know right now, it doesn’t have to. But I am willing to go there.
I have made an important first step : I have a little star of my own in my mind now, and it is always shining, and it reminds me to turn toward the light whenever I can.
It’s like my own little personal sunbeam. In fact, one might even say…
And it makes me a sweet, sweet honey…. fox.
I have finally made it to a place where I can make my own happiness without needing it to be validated or justified by the world or “reality”.
We can’t change THE world by changing our perspective. It will be the same ol’ objective reality no matter whether we hate ourselves or greet every new day with a shout of unbridled joy.
But we can change OUR world, and that’s the only world we will ever live in, so that’s more than enough.
Just like in filmmaking. the smallest shift in perspective can radically change the entire mise en scene of our life.
So why not choose whatever angle makes life look the best?
I am not talking about embracing rampant delusion. That might be fun for a while but sooner or later, objective reality WILL catch up with you and you will wish you had decided to stay connected to it after all.
No, I truly mean just looking at the real world from a different angle. One that makes life easier for you and gets you out of your own way so you can untwist your soul and give it a good firm shake to get out those last few drops of tears and get the worst of the wrinkles out of it.
Well straighten me, ’cause I’m ready. Bring on the flood, let kingdom come, and may we all be together on the other side.
I truly don’t give a shit any more. It’s like, whatever, man, Whatever I need to do in order to get right with the world, I will do it.
Even if it involves an open ended interaction with the real world.
More after the break.
Oh no, not the real world!
Yes, the real world.
Hey, Guardian Angel!
A little love won’t make you blind.
Words for me to live by, really. I need to keep telling myself that I can change how I look at things and how I go about getting my needs met so that I love myself a whole lot more without that meaning I blind myself to that mean ol real world out there as well.
And the real world really is the issue at hand, is it not? I have spent an entire lifetime with my back turned to reality and my head buried so deep into my distractions that the real world couldn’t even leak in if I wanted it to.
And I did not.
Ergo, another aspect of my recovery will be to devirtualize myself. And that is NOT going to be easy. I have been virtual for so long – most of that time in total denial of the act – that I fear the real world and all its uncontrolled and unpredictable stimulation with the same kind of stark, unreasoning, primal fear that a sheep has for wolves or that little children have for the Bogeyman.
Clearly I need to work on being so incredibly resistant to any form of real world stimulation not mediated through a screen, and the only way I can see that happening is via exposure, and that terrifies me.
So maybe my baby steps will consist of just bringing the idea of increased stimulation from the actually really really real world into my mind without doing anything with it except just sitting with the idea.
Get used to it that way. Let the lack of action slowly drain the panic away. It’s hard to stay scared of something when it isn’t doing anything.
If I can get used to the idea, then the actuality can be introduced slowly. Starting by lying in bed like usual, but suppressing my urge to disappear into the dark recesses of my mind like I would usually do and instead stay as mentally present as possible.
I know my mind will fight me like a rabid cougar with kittens on this, and I do not plan to fight back. Going to war with yourself rarely does any good.
Instead, that too can be patiently outwaited. Let the storm wear itself out and then move in with what you want to be doing when it’s done.
I know one thing : I am really fuck sick of things as they are right now.
Something, somewhere, has to give,
I nominate my depression.
I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.