I’ve been craving sweet things lately, and that disturbs me.
And not just a normal kind of craving that could come just from seeing something sweet that I used to love but can no longer eat.
Those aren’t so much cravings as longings. Wistful ones.
No, these are hot, intense cravings that come out of nowhere and come with vivid visions of both the image and the flavour of something specific.
My mind fights that shit off pretty easily, but it takes a few seconds for my defenses to activate and in those seconds the craving is as powerful and intense as a wet dream.
And that’s very annoying.
And, like I said, worrying because sudden cravings for sweet things is a classic sign of diabetes and I thought I had that shit under control.
As a matter of fact, what led to my initial diagnosis for diabetes was me suddenly developing hardcore sugar cravings that led to me doing highly uncharacteristic things like eating an entire bag of cookies, so like 20 cookies, in one sitting.
That was not normal for me at all. In all my life before that, I had never had a “sweet tooth”, in that I never actually craved sugary things. I enjoyed them as much as the next naked beach monkey, but I never craved them per se.
So you can see why I am kinda worried about these new cravings. They suggest that my brain is not getting enough sucrose and I am not sure how that could be, but I am pondering increasing the amount of carbs in my diet to see if that helps.
I don’t want to do that. I don’t crave carbs either. I don’t exclude them like I used to do, but I still don’t eat a lot of them.
And maybe that’s the problem. My brain needs more carbs, stat.
Which is a funny kind of problems to have as a Type II diabetic, but I am going to at least pondering giving it what it wants (within reason) and seeing what happens.
Like, I am obviously not going to go buy myself a movie theater sized Caramilk bar and mow it down, but I have some cheesy poofs in the living room and I might just go get them and pour myself some and give them a munch.
I do know that I get really hungry sometimes, and I dunno what is up with that. But sometimes that “demon hunger” of mine strikes and even a big meal can only temporarily put a dent in it.
Makes me feel like I am going crazy.
Luckily, a shot of insulin (or maybe 2, spaced out) usually takes care of the problem. A problem that also suggests that my brain is not getting enough fuel and is frantically sending out hunger signals to try to get what it needs.
That’s one valid theory, anyhow. I do not completely trust it. The urge to eat more “naughty” foods can be very sneaky.
But I always know when I have gone too far because the naughty food makes me feel much worse almost instantly.
I get this gross nauseous feeling like a kid who just ate all his Halloween candy, I sweat profusely and it’s the gross, sticky sweat that clogs my pores and makes me feel like I am in a deep jungle climate.
So yeah. That regulates it quite nicely. I might look longingly at someone’s box of Timbits but I am not tempted to eat any because I know it will hurt.
Now where was I? I swear I had something I was trying ot get across.
Oh well. Maybe I will remember it between now and part 2!
More after the break.
Hunger, sweets, etc part 2
Hey, waddaya know, I remembered.
But I have nothing to add on that topic, so….
Goodnight sweet prince
I am still having trouble with being sleepy all the time too.
Lately I am learning towards thinking it is related to my depression somehow. After all, I have taken the lid of a lot of emotions lately and it would be entirely in line with the usual diagnostic criterion for depression for that to cause a change in sleep habits.
I am in the process of destabilizing a lot of things right now, so I have to be ready for things to change in ways I could not possibly predict
I am undergoing my greatest psychological restructuring yet. And there maybe be even bigger shifts before the process is complete and I have something approaching sanity.
I’ll tell you one thing – being crazy is getting very very old.
I am sick and tired of not being in control of myself or my reactions or my fate. I want to live a life shaped by my will and my desires instead of just crouching in a bunker and waiting for life to go away.
Hint : it won’t.
I have a strong desire to make myself into something. Something good, something strong, something I can be proud of.
So far in life, I have simply been whatever I am by default. I have chosen very little, mostly just reacting to change, and wherever I landed, I clung to whatever solid ground I found and rapidly set up the exact same kind of life as before
I mean, does it really matter where my bed and computer are when I almost never go outside and never on my own initiative?
My current location’s main advantage is that it has my friends in it. That’s really all that ties me to any particular location.
Otherwise this bedroom could be in Timbuktu for all the different it makes.
And I am tired of that. I want to be alive and to have a real life instead of just hiding in the shadows and playing video games till I die.
There has to be some way out of this tight little tomb I have constructed.
But I won’t find it by playing the labyrinth game.
I will need to transcend myself somehow.
Maybe I will just keep following that little light in my head.
That will do for now, anyhow.
I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.