Feeling somewhat better today.

The sunshine helps. Amongst the millions of things I “should” be doing for my mental health is get some full spectrum bulbs to see if they improve my mood and/or sleep.

Although I am a little wary of the phrase “full spectrum” because that could just mean “white”. White light does, after all, contain every other color. Ergo full spectrum

I suppose if it helps, it doesn’t matter. And there must be a reason why those little white LED Christmas lights make me feel good.

Maybe some white light is exactly what I need. Maybe I need to also give up on being such a troglodyte and at least get enough sunlight to enable my body to make the vitamin D it needs.

Figuring out how I can get outside time is a challenge but doable. I return to the idea to get Julian to drop me off at some park bench close to the road where I can sit in the sun and soak up the wonders of the natural world for a while.

That would probably do me a heck of a lot of good.

What I’d really want is to go to the beach, but um, walkers and sand really don’t mix. So I would be pretty helpless until he came to pick me up again.

Still, it’s a thought. Might be worth it. The beach is always a happy place for me. I love being near the ocean. It always calms me right down, like all my troubles and pains and fears and the kinks in my hoses are all dissolved into the big blue bulk of the water, leaving me cleaner on a spiritual level.

That brings up an interesting thought : I wonder if a supervised trip to the shallow end of the local municipal pool would also do me good.

I’ve always liked being in the water despite being unable to swim. And with my advancing debility, it might be very nice to get some time away from gravity’s full force for a little while.

Heck, maybe underwater I could even walk.

The important thing to keep in mind is to get my head out from under my tail and reach out into the world to find pleasure and happiness and joy.

It’s all out there waiting for me. All the love and acceptance and affection and approval that I have ever craved can be found out there in the big bad world and I can have it all if I just summon the courage to go looking for it.

After all, that’s what normal people do.

And to hell with the voices in my head telling me not to bother trying because it won’t work and I will just end up worse off than if I hadn’t tried.

That’s 100 percent bullshit, just depression’s monotonous propaganda designed to keep me from peeking outside this fetid grotto of mine and seeing that, lo and behold, the real world is full of wonderful, joyful, beautiful things that I am free to draw upon to bolster my own mood whenever I like.

Heck, a simple Google image search for “kittens” can unlock many, many images that would make me much happier, and what is wrong with that?

Feel bad? Look for things that make you feel good. Simple.

Kittens are my anti-drug. One of them, anyhow.

It does mean hacking your way through the icy numbness of depression’s anhedonia to get to the pleasure of it all, and that won’t be easy.

But it will totally be worth it when you open up your vault and let the sun shine in.

More after the break.

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The Drinking Song

Every once in a while, I wonder if Moxy Fruvous were really the big deal I used to think they were back in my UPEI days.

Then I listen to something like this :

…and it makes me want to cry every single fucking time, and I am reminded that they were an amazing fucking band and nothing can ever take that way.

I’ve gone through something similar with REM.

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A whole new game

Well, mostly new.

I recently (as in, yesterday) spent the money I have earned (?) via running Salad^[1] to get a game I have wanted for a while called Pathfinder : Kingmaker.

I wanted it because I really enjoyed the sequel. Pathfinder : Wrath of the Righteous, and base on that figured I would enjoy the original game or “prequel”.

So far so good. I’ve played it for four hours or so and the biggest difference so far is that the opening for Kingmaker is nowhere near as dramatic as the one for Righteous.

But then again, it’s kind of hard to compete with this :

No wonder I was instantly hooked. And traumatized.

The two are not unrelated. What can I say, I still love the grimdark, and it doesn’t get much grimmer and darker than that outside of the Witcher franchise.

It’s been a while since I played the sequel, Wrath of the Righteous. Last played it in August of 2023. So there has been enough of a spacer that I am no longer tired of it.

But transitioning from all the 3D RPGs I have been playing to the humbler world of isometric RPGs is a bit rough. I keep getting this creeping feeling that there must be something I am not seeing.

I’ll get over it. I always do. Transitions can be rough but that doesn’t mean they aren’t ever worth the cost.

I say this to you in order to say it to me.

I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.