Today was Therapy Friday (Doctor Costin had to postpone due to life complications) and something came up during my session that I want to capture here.
I was talking about all my profound guilt and shame over how my life has turned out and how many years of my life I have wasted hiding away from reality when suddenly it hit me : it’s also regret.
I really, really regret the way I have lived my life, namely like a rat in a hole hiding away from a big bad predator that does not exist.
If I could go back in time, I swear I would go back to when I first got to the GVRD and kick my ass and force myself to find a way to make something of myself, even if that something is just the graveyard shift at 7-11.
That would still be better than the yawning void of undifferentiated time that is this meaningless and purposeless life of mine.
Of course, after kicking my ass, I would hand myself some winning lottery number, so maybe the 7-11 thing would not be needed.
The obvious follow-up to that would be to try being the person I will wish I was in the future right now. To effectively kick my own ass right now so that future me won’t be living the exact same stupid life and hating it even more.
And I’m working on it.
Like I told Doc Costin today, I feel like at this point in my life I am slowly but steadily prying open this sarcophagus of mine to let the fresh air and sunshine in for the first time in what feels like centuries, and I can’t tell him or you when exactly this will result in tangible action on my part but it’s going to be soon.
The paralytic hypnosis that I have called my “anti-action bias” is slowly wearing off and the animal (me) is beginning to move around and show interest in his environment.
I still want to live life and do stuff. I am tired of my content free existence. There is a hell of a lot more to life than video games and masturbation (both single player experiences) and I want to get the hell out of my shell and go out there to experience it.
Even if my physical debilities mean I can only do it online.
Becoming active on, say, Tumblr would still be a hell of a lot better than typing my words for just a couple of friends to read.
Not that I am not super grateful for both my readers, but I want more.
Actually, Reddit would probably suit me more, but there are literally millions of subReddits and I have no idea which one would be the right one to be my new community and/or forum.
Something furry, maybe? That would expand my room while keeping me mostly in my comfort zone. Or maybe something political? I am definitely opinionate about that.
Or hell, maybe even something related to gaming.
And of course, I could get back into video . Find my webcam and get it working again so I can make video essays exploring my favorite topics and sharing my extremely unique and bizarre views with the world.
Of course, it would be easier to just do that via TikTok on my tablet. But I dunno. I want to try something brand new.
Maybe I could see what Instagram is all about. I’ve heard good things.
And really, really bad things. But I am not a teenaged girl so I am pretty sure I am immune to thinking I am worthless because I am not as pretty as the popular girls.
I will think it over.
More after the break.
Where the fuck are they?
This is what is currently driving me freaking crazy.
I asked for Amazon gift cards for my birthday because that way they can be used to help pay for a new power supply for this computer.
I asked for them figuring that it’s the world’s largest retailer and basically like a third of the world’s economy, so surely, surely those cards are available everywhere.
Nope! Felicity looked around and they are nowhere to be found.
So I figured a little Google Fu would solve it. I have found lists of places that sell other kinds of cards online. So Amazon should be a cinch, right?
Nope! Apparently I live in a hole in space-time where nothing makes sense and there is literally no place in Richmond to buy said gift cards.
Tons of cards for other, far more specific places, but none for the place that sold you half of the things in your house right now.
I asked Amazon.ca. I asked Google. I even asked Microsoft Co-Pilot, their AI assistant which is now on every Windows computer in the world.
And in all three places, all I got was a list of the kinds of places that might sell things like an Amazon.ca gift card.
You can buy them online, of course, but not everybody has a credit card and not everybody is comfortable with doing business that way.
So I am damn near tearing my hair out.
I mean, what the everlasting fuck, man?
The whole reason I asked for the gift cards in the first place was that they are less impersonal than cash and now I feel like all I can do is ask for cash.
And I fucking hate that.
So now I will be fuming and agitating (fumigating?) about this until I find a solution or I go completely insane.
Right now, I could go either way.
Oh, and my birthday is Sunday and it’s almost Saturday, so it’s not like I have a lot of time to find a solution.
(a little time passes)
Oh ho. But now, apparently, the clouds have parted and the PREVIOUS card I asked for that nobody could find, a Steam gift card, can be bought at London Drugs, both the Ironwood and the 3 and Westminster locations.
That would also be acceptable. Right now, I have a game that will probably keep me going for a while, but it won’t be long till I need something new.
Why does life have to be like this?
Why is nothing ever simple or easy?
How come things don’t want to MAKE SENSE?
In a word – argh.
I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow/