Tried to get a 30 minute power nap. Forgot to set an alarm on my tablet. As a result, woke up an hour and a half late, at 5:30 pm, and hence I am only sitting down to eat LUNCH at 5:45 pm.
Great. This is gonna throw me off all day.
And this is after missing a meal last night. I have this problem that when Julian and Felicity and I decide to just stick with watching stuff on YouTube at midnight instead of moving to the living room to watch stuff off the PVR. I end up not eating my midnight snack and that throws me off too.
Now of course, there is nothing physically stopping me from signing off our Zoom meeting and going directly to the kitchen to make my snack and then take it back to this here bedroom of mine.
But psychologically, I am a weak spirit, and tend to always just go with the flow, and on those nights the flow stays here in the damned bedroom.
To do the snack thing at that point would require doing something disruptive to my routine entirely by my own initiative and therefore outside of my microscopic comfort zone, so it don’t happen.
And that is pathetic and sad. I wish I wasn’t so weak and helpless. But my connection with my id and therefore with the primal life force behind all action is so weak that it’s a wonder I do anything sometimes.
I guess if something is part of my predictable routine existence, it does not take any initiative to do anything and I can just keep trudging on this fucking treadmill of a life, never getting anywhere but always keeping my hamster wheel spinning.
And the sad sad truth is that said hamster wheel’s motion is enough to satisfy my extremely weak and therefore easy to please need to feel like I am going somewhere.
Without ever getting anywhere. Which is how I like it, apparently, at least on a deep and primal level. Motion without change.
I am so messed up.
But I am getting better. The door to this tomb of mine is slowly but steadily opening and I am gradually learning to tap into my energies instead of suppressing them in order to just play video games all the time.
For many lost decades, my energy was merely a nuisance that sometimes caused me pain now and then and put me in a bad mental state where I was in pain and anxious and kinda freaked out.
The idea that this was happening because my suppressed energies were trying to break free and express themselves took way too long to occur to me.
I wonder what thing(s) that will seem obvious in the future I am oblivious to right now.
A big part of my problem is that I am tired all the time. Despite my efforts, I remain in a half-asleep state most of the time, and from there it is all too easy to retreat into full sleep and hide from reality entirely.
Which is kind of the point, I guess.
And when you’re tired all the time, it is hard to even imagine doing something more energetic and engaged than what you normally do.
And even if you CAN imagine it, it still doesn’t seem possible. It might be possible for someone far more alive than I am, but for me…. meh.
I want to exit this dream-world existence of mine, but I am still too dependent on it. So I can only slowly phase out of it like a setting sun and hope that eventually I will see the dawn once more.
It’s about damned time.
More after the break.
Burning black cloud
Well happy fucking birthday to me.
I was feeling so good. My birthday is tomorrow and I will celebrate at Denny’s with my friends. My mother sent me $60 in a nice card plus a neato loofah glove type thing for my birthday. I was coming into this month with an approximately $100 surplus left over from left month’s cheque, so I was a whole $160 ahead of the game, and that meant I was feeling quite chipper about my immediate future and what kind of power supply for my computer I would be able to get.
Or maybe a game. Who knows.
But then, early this afternoon, a dark but undeniable thought crept into my brain, along the lines of : you know, the only thing that could ruin this is if it’s a five week month.
So I pop open the date calculator and sure enough, it’s a FUCKING 5 WEEK MONTH.
And just like that, my extra money vanishes. And I go from feeling pretty good to hating everything and everyone but especially the province and their fucked up system.
They effective just stole my god damned birthday money with their rigid refusal to increase the non-shelter portion of our monthly deposits by 25 percent when the amount of time BETWEEN them increases by 25 percent.
Now in what fucking universe does THAT make sense?
And I’m just some single disabled dude. Imagine if I was a hard pressed single mother who can barely feed the kids during regular FOUR WEEK months.
I swear to God, every time I start feeling good about my finances and therefore about life in general, a five week month comes along to crush my spirit and remind me that life stinks and hope is an illusion and no matter what I do, I can never, ever get ahead.
And that, to put it mildly, is not good for my mental health.
Now I will probably get some Amazon money from my sisters and my friends for my birthday tomorrow, so I am not completely screwed.
And even after paying for Denny’s tomorrow I will still have a surplus of something like $60 assuming I skip McD’s on Tuesday.
But this still hurts like hell. And I am so pissed off at life right now.
Fuck everything forever.
I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.