Get my life started, that is. Why don’t I? What’s stopping me?
Well, indecision, of course. How does one choose amongst the billions of possible directions to go? Far easier to go nowhere and thus avoid having to choose.
It really is that simple with me. And pathetic.
I don’t know what I am so afraid of. So what if I choose the “wrong” direction? I ain’t dead yet, I still have time to try again and again till I find my path
No, I think there is something far deeper and darker and deadlier lurking underneath this supposed indecision, namely my continuing issues facing reality.
I don’t wanna.
Any plan, no matter how innocuous or benign, will involve exiting my current trance state and having to tackle the real world and maybe even grow the fuck up, finally.
In order to exit this extended fugue state of mine, something somewhere in me has to break. Perhaps it is the little part of oneself one must give up in order to be truly free..
But it is going to hurt. A lot. And it won’t be the kind of “pull the band-aid off” kind of pain that you can steel yourself for and that is over in a second or two.
No, this will be more like ripping a piece of my heart out.
It will be a disruption of unprecedented proportions. a desperate dislocation with no guarantee of success, a change so deep and profound that I will not even be the same person when it is complete.
I’d rather surrender all form so that I could be reborn anew in the crucible of a brand new world, wholesome and healthy and free.
But that’s not really an option in the real world. The real world does not yield to profound spiritual metaphors like it ought to.
The real world is a lot more… fiddly.
What else is holding me back? Well, fear, obviously.
With me it always comes down to fear. And as usual, we are not talking about specific fear of a particular bad outcome or anything like that.
This is raw animal terror that requires no external trigger. It’s a fear of reality itself, of having to exit my toxic but oh so comfy cloistered existence and go out and deal with the big bright noisy complicated world outside this grotty little room of mine.
It really does feel like a turtle contemplating abandoning its shell. It would involve my going outside of my rigorously rigid and narrow existence, and leaving my little bunker that is all I have known for my entire adult life knowing that I am as about as tough and rugged as a calf destined to be veal and that nothing I can do beforehand can make me ready for the world now.
After all these years of avoiding it like it’s bubonic, I am going to have to finally be kicked out of the nest (or jump) and find out whether I fly, or die.
Christ, I don’t wanna do that. It seems like death to me. Only worse.
But like in a tarot deck, Death is not really death but change. It means changing who I am on a fundamental level and learning entirely new ways to cope, and from the point of view of who I am right now, that IS more than a little like death.
But it’s not death. It’s change, which can be a lot scarier than death. It is fiendishly difficult for the mind and soul of a human being to truly conceive of being fundamentally different than how it is right now, and because it can’t conceive of it, it fears it.
If I want to free myself, I am going to have to get over that somehow.
I’m working on it.
An unusual detour
It’s around 8:30 pm and I am sitting here blogging without having made myself a meal first and that is tres bizarre for me.
But when I got up to head to the kitchen to prepare my nightly meal, I realized I actually needed to poop pretty bad, so a detour was necessary.
Even though I knew this would lead to complications. See, for me, pooping often upsets my entire lower digestive tract for a while afterwards, and that is not a problem – the symptoms are fairly mild – some discomfort, some nausea – but when it happens this close to a mealtime there is trouble because another symptom is a complete and total cessation of appetite.
My body, sensibly enough, figures that if the bottom of the process is in chaos, I sure as fuck better not add anything at the top.
So now I am typing away and sipping water, hoping the hydration will help cool things down and smooth things out.
I don’t want to miss ANOTHER meal, seeing as I missed my midnight snack last night for the usual reason.
But right now, it doesn’t feel like supper is an option. If my system does clear up, I will probably just eat some trail mix or something.
At this point, that’s the best I can hope for.
Oh yeah, my birfday
It’s a cute-ism for “birthday”.
Anyhow, yesterday I turned 51. Kind of a big anticlimax after the drama of turning 50 in 2023. Those special dates do mean a lot to us.
So, kind of boring. But no suicidal ideation either, so there’s that.
I got $25 in Amazon money each from Joe, Julian, and Joe, meaning I got $75 sitting in my Amazon.ca gift card balance waiting to be put toward a new power supply for my stalwart companion Mister Computer.
Plus, out of the blue, my good buddy Maelkoth bought me the game Assassin’s Creed : Odyssey on Steam for my birthday.
Right now I am in the process of clearing enough HD space to play it.
I think it will be OK to have both it and the game I am playing now, Pathfinder : Kingmaker, on the go at the same time as they are nothing like one another and therefore will not compete or get confused in my mind.
Haven’t heard from my sisters yet. Meh, they will get around to it or they won’t.
And I guess that’s it.
I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.