Well this ought to be fun.
Because I am incredibly sleepy right now. I am definitely going through one of my “sleepy times” and this one is a lulu.
I keep really needing to nap, and when I do, when I wake up I am in a really bad state where I am all brain fried and sweaty and confused.
As in, I just woke up and had to shamble into the kitchen like a somnolent zombie and manage to complete the mind-shatteringly complex task of making myself a PB&J and grabbing a piece of fruit and a can of sody pop.
It was touch and go there for a while.
It doesn’t help that misfortune continues to plague me. Like I don’t have normal peanut butter at all right now.
I have Kraft’s “Just Peanuts” crap, which is both disgusting and vile. For those who don’t know, this kind of “all natural” peanut butter is just peanuts put through a blender, so it is a shiny oily fucking liquid that looks like an oil slick took a syphilitic shit and tastes like a combination of nothing and depression.
Unfortunately, the record show me ordering this crap, which means I probably did order it by accident.
Fortunately, DoorDash is still nice enough to give me a refund. But I am still stuck with this crap for like a week unless I get Julian to go buy me the real stuff.
The kicker is that for me, this shit is actually a ghost from the past for me because back when my mother was a 70’s health nut, she bought some “all natural” “nothing but peanuts” “peanut butter” and it was just like the crap I have no, only crunchy.
Complete with having to vigorously stir it up yourself before every use because “natural” peanut butter has nothing in it to keep the peanut oil from separating from the peanut… puree, I guess, so you have to mix it up a bunch before it will be anything like a “butter”.
I wonder if sticking it in the fridge will help? At this point, it can’t hurt.
More serious than that is the fact that my tablet has stopped working. Won’t take a charge, won’t work even when plugged in.
Ain’t that a peach.
It’s been dying for weeks, so this does not come as a shock. Saddening but not surprising. For weeks now, it would only charge now and then, when it felt like it.
A little bit now, then nothing, then more later, and so on. Never knew if I would come back to find it almost at 0 percent or at 100 percent or whatever.
So clearly, the battery is dead. It happens. I have had this tablet for a couple of years and use it many hours every day, so this was bound to occur.
Luckily, the battery CAN be replace. Looks like a new battery will cost me around $35 CDN, which is a lot less than a new tablet.
And from what I have seen, replacing the battery is simple enough that even I can do it. I just have to pry off the backplate, disconnect one little wire, then replace the battery and connected it up etc.
So it’s fixable. But in the meantime, I will be sans tablet.
Guess I will have to go back to like, reading books and playng around on my synthesizer and other primitive, mundane stuff.
Which honestly might help me sleep a whole lo better.
Silver linings and all that. Not nearly so visually overstimulated all the time. Give my eyes a chance to rests on a nice safe static book page.
More after the break.
Another tired evening
Another big component of my being unable to get my life started is just plain being tired all the damned time.
The reasons for that are extremely complex. Between physical and psychological issues, I have a lot of reasons to be tired, and trying to figure out how to address them is therefore a very multilayered question.
Am I tired because I’m depressed, or depressed because I’m tired? Could better nutrition improve my energy and/or motivation level, or just make it more comfortable and relaxing to do nothing? Would a higher dose of Wellbutrin perk me up or just make me a lot more anxious? Or both?
Sounds pretty stressful to me.
For that matter, would any medication change help? It boggles my mind that people can decide that they need an adjustment to their meds. How do they know? How can one possibly make that determination? Based on what?
I can only surmise that what these people have that I don’t is a mental image of themselves as a happier, more functional, healthier person that they can compare their current state to and say, “Hmmm, nope, I still don’t feel right. ”
But I don’t have that. I’ve felt like this for more than 30 years. This is what is normal for me. I have no memory of feeling better or even different.
In fact, it’s hard for me to even conceive of feeling any other way, except in the most abstract and abstruse terms.
I can imagine the concept of feeling better but not the reality.
I can’t even imagine what that would feel like.
I would not even know what to ask Doctor Costin for. I can’t imagine how one would figure that out either. I don’t even know what direction my mood needs to go.
Gee doctor, is there a drug that makes you feel more competent and capable? One that helps you organize your mind and your life? One that banishes all my brain fog and makes me feel like I can handle reality without falling apart like a candy rose in the rain?
Something tells me that those are all problems too subtle and nuanced for pharmacology, and psychotherapy seems pretty helpless against them too.
Which means, of course, that as usual, it’s all up to me.
Like that’s ever not been the case. It’s all been up to me since my first god damned day of elementary school.
Nobody can help me with these things and I can’t handle them myself.
So I guess I’ll just die, then.
I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.