Because at least then, I would have some.
I have never in my life been a self-starter. For the most part, I have just drifted through life doing what I thought was expected me and otherwise retreating into my distractions.
So as a kid, I would get myself up, get myself fed, and get myself to school, then get myself home at the end of the school day because that was the path of least resistance and to do otherwise would have taken initiative.
I just kept following the path laid out in front of me. Not by my parents or siblings, of course. They didn’t give a shit what I did.
They were happy to go on believing that if they didn’t hear anything from me, everything must be OK, while also passively punishing me for telling them anything wasn’t OK.
It was quite a neat little scam. Very efficient.
When I was a kid, it was definitely not OK to not be OK. So to this day, I have serious trouble not presenting a happy face to the world because to do anything else would be to make myself vulnerable and leave myself exposed.
And not in the sexytimes fun way.
But note that at no point in my childhood did I explore my environment. I knew the way to and from school but that was it.
I didn’t try to make friends with the other kiddies. My social pariah status prevented that from really being an option. Plus I had so little in common with kids my age.
Um, yeah, cool LEGO set. Can we watch TV now?
But it was about more than lacking common interests. I was fundamentally and qualitatively different from them.
I was a very weird kid. Not sure where I might have belonged. Though I carry within my head of me being the super young kid in the Head of the Class class.
But we tried that. It didn’t work.
As a kid, I did what I do : I adapted. And I remained exactly as functional and tuned into reality as I needed to be to get through my life.
But the truth is, I wasn’t all that into reality at all. I was far too absorbed in my inner world, the world behind that big thick invisible wall, to give the world outside my skull very much thought at all.
That’s why I had no initiative. Initiative requires maintaining an active interest in the world and I just can’t.
I can fake an interest in the world by talking all you want about books, politics, psychology, philosophy, science, video games, or any other of my interests.
But I got most of what I know about those things through screens, not the real world. Screens, and my own ever-churning mental processes forever attempting to integrate everything I know into one coherent picture.
I know it’s impossible. But I cogitate onwards nevertheless.
I guess on a deep level, I just want the world to leave me alone, which it has been all to eager to do. There was never any chance of someone coming to my rescue by trying to pull my frozen ass out of the mud.
And if they had tried, I probably would have fought them. And won, because high IQ and inveterate stubbornness plus a very strong will make for a devastating combo.
Maybe they did try. I dunno. But when I was raped, it put me in a very distant place where nobody could reach me…. so they didn’t.
And here I am, still living on my lonely little planet far from the sun.
Oh well. At least it’s got Wi-Fi.
More after the break.
Victim of piracy
Porch piracy, that is.
So I ordered some supplies off of Amazon Canada last night. Some of that Village Trail Mix from our friends at Yupik and some Russell Stove’s sugar free hard candies, peppermint and fruit flavoured, to fill up my empty candy jar.
It was supposed to arrive some time between 4 am and 8 am. Um, what the fuck? Whatever. I’ll get Julian to go get it when he and I are both up.
I send him, and… nothing. There is no package for me. Son of a bitch.
I go to the Amazon website and report the issue. The website says, “Oh, gee, that sucks. Thanks for telling us about it!”
This answer does not satisfy me.
I dig a little deeper, and the website tells me that I will probably “find” my package in between 24 and 48 hours.
So it’s up to me to find the damned thing? I’m not the one who lost it!
I looked up the shipping information. It says they delivered the thing at frigging 5:15 am! And they left it OUTSIDE the building.
Hence my figuring it just plain got stolen. Someone was walking by and saw an Amazon package and went YOINK.
I can only hope that when all they found was trail mix and hard candy. they were disappointed that they’d only deprived a boring old person of their joy.
The other alternatives are that my delivery person just plain lied about delivering it, which is laughably improbable, or that my package just ended up stuck in a unlikely nook or cranny outside the building somewhere, which has happened in the past.
What suck the most is that Amazon has me in check. It still COULD show up in a day or two, so there is nothing I can do about the issue right NOW.
But if it doesn’t show up, I am going to expect at LEAST a full refund, and preferably a little good faith punitive damages too, like my next order of the same stuff being free or half off or something like that.
God, the world is working hard to miss me off and beat me down lately.
But fuck it. I refuse to let it. I am going to keep fighting my way toward the light no matter what kind of crap life throws at me.
I’ll be the happiest motherfucker in the ICU if I have to.
I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.