That thing where I might have died. That thing.
I’ve been calling it a blood sugar crash, but the truth is that I am not sure. All I know is that I went through a period where I felt really, really bad and death felt like it was, if not quite knocking on the door, within hailing distance.
It was bad.
Happened Monday night, a bit after midnight. I woke up from a nap and felt like something was wrong.
Then I moved, and things got way, way worse.
I was nauseous and there was a tingling all through my body and my head was swimming and I was sweating like a block of ice in July.
And I had this terrible panicky feeling running underneath it all. and a deep down trembling like there was a low level earthquake happening. And my stomach felt like a witches’ cauldron on full boil.
I had skipped supper due to lack of appetite (which I know is stupid and yet I do it anyhow) and so the first thing I thought of was low blood sugar.
So I started eating my trail mix by the handful. Not the ideal thing for low blood sugar, but the raisins have fructose in them so I figured it would help.
Well, it helped with my boiling stomach, anyhow.
During all this, I couldn’t do much. Sitting up and reaching for my canister where I keep my trail mix took a lot out of me and the trembling and the nausea made me afraid to move for fear of setting off something much worse.
And just fear in general, really. I was freaking out.
Eventually I got it together enough to grab my phone and call Julian’s smartphone and get him to bring me some food and some water so I could steady myself.
This worked. Between the food and the water I got myself back to a state where I merely felt a little sick, which was a vast improvement.
Looking back, I am not at all sure blood sugar had anything to do with it. I think I was having some kind of reaction to dehydration and overheating.
After all, the trembling was accompanied by an overheated feeling like I was having an attack of heat stroke, and low blood sugar events usually leave me feeling the cold hand of death instead.
And it was a different kind of trembling too. Low intensity, higher frequency.
But I dunno. Could have been a blood sugar crash as well. Fucking around with my body like I always end up doing despite myself always leads to bad shit happening sooner or later.
It’s kind of my body’s own fault though. Like, I didn’t eat supper that night because my body felt too sick for me to eat. My appetite was well into the negative.
And that sure as fuck wasn’t the brain’s idea.
Plus there is a certain lack of self-discipline in play. I lack the grit to force myself to eat when I know I should eat regardless of lack of appetite.
And at the very least, I should hydrate extensively. Often getting some cold water into me solves the appetite problem too.
Heat stroke/heat sickness doesn’t fuck around and I get the feeling I will end up there a lot this summer if I don’t hydrate aggressively.
Which means getting up and going into my ensuite to refill my water glass many, many times in the day, and I don’t wanna.
But I don’t want to get sick like I did Monday night again either.
I need to run a hose from my computer chair to the sink.
More after the break.
Aaaaaaand there goes the rest of my money
Just had a painful conversation with Julian, the upshot of which is that it looks like I am more or less on my own financially now.
I will have to pay for ALL my own groceries and other sundries and that will suck.
But a lot more than the numerical drain – which I can probably manage – is the emotional pain of it all. I feel abandoned and betrayed and very cold. It’s also very disruptive to my life and means that yet more of my precious spendable income will disappear from my life.
And that really hurts.
I’ve emailed Joe about it. I hate to bring him into this when he is recovering from chemo and all, but I desperately need some kind of clarity on where I stand.
I know I am a burden on everyone around me and that it must really suck having such a high maintenance millstone hanging around your neck.
I’m starting to wonder if I should just leave. Find some bachelor apartment somewhere, or SRO maybe, and take care of myself as best as I can so that I am not draining the finances and patience of my friends any more.
This is all putting me in a bad place mentally. Nothing dangerous, I just have a lot of things to process, most of which have nothing to do with the current situation other than having been activated by it.
I have definitely got a lot to talk to Doctor Costin about tomorrow.
It’s not like I think someone OWES me extra support for me. If we were the regular kind of roomies, I would have been paying for all these things myself anyhow.
But patient readers know that for me, financial security and emotional security are one and the same and this destabilizes my finances and hence my psyche.
I will get over this. I always do. It is my nature to flip out over things on the way to being able to be calm about them and I am learning to accept this.
What I need is a solid earned income. Enough to replace my disability cheques, at least. That way I can have some sort of pride in my existence instead of feeling a deep and terrible shame for even being alive.
Means leaving my shell behind, though. At least some of the time. A couple hours a day, maybe. Or more…. I’m a workhorse once I have a clear defined task ahead of me.
So, anyone know where I can make at least around $1350 a month?
I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.