Something came up during therapy today that deserves some consideration.
Doc Costin suggested that I may have ADD, Attention Deficit Disorder. He even suggested starting me on an ADD med.
I told him I would think about it. It was a tad too sudden for me to make a decision right then and there.
He also suggested I look for an ADD test online, which I will do.
Now not, this is ADD. not ADHD. Hyperactivity is definitely not in the picture for me. If anything, my problem is hyperINactivity.
Or hypoactivity, I suppose.
Hey, Windows spellcheck says that’s already a word!
Anyhow, my point is or was that ADD can be entirely mental. Which means my jokes about “having ADHD but only the mental part” might be more accurate than I thought.
Turns out that’s a thing!
What got Costin onto this ADD track is my problems with decision making. Apparently option paralysis is a known symptom of ADD. Our hyperactive minds try to process everything all at once and it creates a logjam in our minds because all the possibilities look equally good to us.
And that sure sounds like me. Hence my whole “infinite corridor of infinite doors” metaphor. That is really what it feels like to me sometimes.
The idea that there might actually be a cure for that would never have occurred to me, and for it to be as simple as a drug blows my twitchy mind.
Just to be sure I was hearing what I thought I was hearing, I asked him., “Do you mean it’s possible for a drug to make me better able to make decisions?”
And he said “Yes. Certainly. ”
Mind blown AGAIN. I guess I assumed my decision issues were some kind of character flaw stemming from the weakness of my character and that I should just “get over it” and “grow a pair” so that I could develop actual desires of my own.
It’s weird what you can find just laying around in your mind when you poke around in there. It’s like checking out your mind’s attic.
Oh, so that’s where our old-fashioned Christmas lights went! And those memories of that one shop teacher who stood too close while “helping” me with the band saw.
Based on all that, I will probably say yes to the ADD drug. I mean, it’s worth a shot My chronic indecision is one of the biggest factors in my inability to get my life going, so if I can get over THAT, it could have a huge impact on my life.
That said, I have my doubts as to whether I have ADD. I mean, I have never suffered from a lack of attention. I’ve always been able to focus in on the task at hand.
Inasmuch as was necessary, anyhow. A lot of tasks in school did not take up much of my attention at all.
But I still had no problem concentrating on them,
And I don’t think I am any more restless of fidgety than average. So really, it’s just the decision issue that points to a possible ADD diagnosis.
Oh well, I suppose we will find out when I try the drug. If it helps, then I got ADD.
That strikes me as a rather sloppy way to find out, but what the hell, if it works. fine.
And the mere possibility of gaining the ability to make decisions and choose a life path makes me tremble like a pilgrim about to enter the Holiest of Holies.
Or something like that.
Just trying to imagine my inner world having such strength and power makes me feel dizzy and a tad giddy.
I’ve been so weak for so long…
More after the break.
A little rain
Brown alert, poop talk ahead.
So I’ve had diarrhea for a couple of days now.
It’s thrown my system off a fair bit. Diarrhea is about so much more than just the obvious. It can really deplete your resources and leave you weak and shaky and feeling like you’ve had a nasty shock.
And you have. A physical one.
Hit me Tuesday night. I had just signed off from chatting and watching stuff with Julian and FElicity when I had one of those ominous “uh oh!” moments when you know you need to get your ass on the toilet NOW.
That emptied me out. And I thought, well, OK, guess I ate something that did not agree with me, I am sure that it’s all over now.
Um, no. No such luck.
Not only have there been more dam-bursting trips to the loo, I have had some mild incontinence, both sleeping and non, so I am gearing up to (sigh!) take my leaking buttocks to the ER or Urgent Care.
La di fucking da.
Hopefully my tablet will be in one of its better moods by then and consent to be charged up to full.
Then I will at least have that much tablet time, one full charge. Whether or not it will consent to be charged AGAIN is up in the air.
I’ve looked up how to replace the battery in it. It’s not super complicated. I can probably do it myself. And a new battery is around $35.
Which is a lot cheaper than a new tablet, which would run me at least $100.
Right now, I can limp by by leaving it plugged in, which lets me use it most of the time, Occasionally it dips below 1 percent and shuts off totally for a while.
Probably would be a good idea to bring a book just in case.
It’s disgusting how long it’s been since I read a book.
Anyhow, since that fateful night, I have found a bizarre mixture of some kind of moisture and hard pebble-type poops the consistency of dog kibble on my bed a number of times, and as you might imagine, the smell in my room is atrocious.
It smells like bile mixed with shit. Fun.
So I had better go to the god damned ER or UC. These symptoms are beyond worrisome. I had better get my GI tract checked out.
Hopefully it’s just some bug. There does not seem to be any other symptoms other than that depleted feeling, so I am hopeful.
I will update you on this when I can. And…
I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.