Got a bunch of wild, weird, and wacky news items from the wide wide world to share with you, my beloved select few, the proud readers of this humble yet frankly amazing blog.

These are the sorts of news stories that make me happy, because they illustrate just what a wonderfully diverse, colorful, and magnificently absurd world we live in. It’s the perfect antidote for the holiday blahs when the world is seeming just a little too Normal Rockwell and we need a good dose of the downright strange to remind us that normal is a myth and everyone is normal till you get to know them.

Take this story from Russia about what has to be the most adorable cult ever.

What makes them so adorable? The fact that they don’t worship God, Allah, Vishnu, Satan, or Thor. They don’t worship The Goddess, The Buddha, or The Reverend Sun Yung Moon. They don’t even worship celebrities like most of the world does.

No, they worship this fine lady here.

Yes. It's a cartoon mouse.

Her name is Gadget Hackwrench and she is a character from the nineties Disney Afternoon show, Chip and Dale’s Rescue Rangers. And they adore her in the religious sense.

I, for one, am not surprised. While I never watched the show very often when it was on, I am familiar enough with it that I know Gadget was a warm, kindhearted, bossy lady who loved building and fixing things and technology of all kinds.

In other words, she was the perfect geek girlfriend. So what if she was a three inch tail cartoon mouse and hence entirely and completely fictional? For blossoming adolescent geeks, those are minor factors, easily overcome by their fevered imaginations.

So I imagine there are quite a few straight male geeks (and a few les-bi female geeks) who have quite a crush on this fictional cartoon character.

This is what happens when hormones and cartoons collide, folks. Well, that and Rule 34.

Then, just in time for Christmas, we have this touching, heartwarming story about a dear sweet little 81 year old Latina grandmother who scated the shit out of a pair of criminals who attacked her daughter.

The two, Josefa Lopez and her daughter, 61 year old Teresa Medina, were just leaving the house in their Ford Expedition when the criminal scumbag in question attacked Teresa, pulling her out of her vehicle and pistol whipping her. This led to Josefa, who thought her daughter might be dead, fending them off with her aluminum walking cane and shouting “I’m gonna kill you, you son of a bitch!”

The two criminals are still at large, and I dearly hope they get caught. Not just because they are clearly utter shitbags who beat up little old ladies and deserve the full measure of justice our legal system and vigorous prison rape can dole out to them.

But because I really want them to go to jail with everyone knowing they got scared off by an 81 year old granny. That would just be the cherry on the sundae of “secondary justice” they will receive in jail. Because even hardened criminals might have a thing or two to day about people who beat up old ladies, let alone ones who beat up and then are scared off by said old ladies.

Then there is the epic story about how one suburban parent became known, in select circles, as “penis mom”.

Here is the gist of it : Karen Mangiacotti got an email from her 13 year old boy’s teacher asking for help from Dads doing the lifting for a school project.

She was rather incensed by this clearly sexist request. What, mothers can’t lift? So she replied thusly :

Dear teachers and parents:

Are you guys seriously only asking for Dads?

Is lifting done with a penis?

Thoughtfully yours,

– Karen

And this is the message that went out to all the recipients of the original email, namely, the teacher and all the other parents who had children in her class.

This set off quite the little firestorm, with the original point about not being sexist totally lost as people freaked out over the use of the word “penis” in an email that only went to other adults.

Personally, I think she overreacted a little to the whole issue about asking “Dads” to help out. She has a legitimate beef but she didn’t need to state it how she did.

But come on, people. It’s just a word! Half the mammals of the world have one! Get over it!

Having saved the best for last, I now present you with a story whose utter delightfulness can be succinctly summated with two glorious words : Ninja Cow.

Seems some folks in Nebraska were being plagued by a true mastermind of a cow who eluded capture for quite some time. leading the locals to dub the baffling bovine Ninja Cow.

And of course, the more she eluded capture, the more people loved her story. You have to admit, there is something very Far Side wonderful about a wily cow who moves through the night like a shadow, appearing only briefly on people’s lawns, and leaving behind her trademark : no, sadly, not a C carved into the sod with a rapier. Just a cow poop.

The local sheriff refused to bring firearms into the issue, which shows he is an astute judge of the mood of the people, and eventually (I kid (calf?) you not) hired contractors to bring in the dangerous free roving bovine.

Eventually, by getting their hands on Ninja Cow’s calf (her one weakness!), they were able to bring her safely to justice, where, after a brief period of trying to escape by headbutting the fence, she seems to have settled down into peaceful captivity with her calf.

Or at least, that’s what she wants them to think.

There is really only one clip to finish off a story like that. Well, a couple, but I am going with this one :

Seeya later, readers!