Today’s been weird.
Did the Wound Care thing. That was normal. Got a nurse called Emily, who had seen me as recently as last week.
I really wish I could have the same nurse each time. That way I could get to know my nurse and establish a relationship with them.
Like what is happening with me and Albert, the fellow who gives me my shower on Fridays. Over the weeks, I am sure we will get to know each other a bit.
After all, he’s already seen me naked and touched my junk.
With a facecloth. But still.
After Wound Care, we came home and I got some more sleep. Woke up around 1:30 pm or so and decided it was time to tackle this really hard fight in Pathfinder : Kingmaker. and finally kick its ass.
Thus began my very deep involvement in the game. I have to hand it to the devs at Owlcat, who made the game. It took all I had to beat that fight.
Plus I lost twice before I managed to cobble together a winning strategy. And the winning fight took over an hour to complete.
By the end of it, I was sweaty and punchy and totally exhausted. That’s why I was just sitting there, stunned, when it slowly dawned on me that I was hungry.
And from there, with dawning horror, I realized I was really REALLY hungry. And tingly. And feeling a bit faint. And in the background, I felt this dizzy, falling sensation that I know all too well.
I was having a blood sugar crash.
And it’s not hard to see why, in retrospect. First I went to Wound Care and back, and that burned a lot of blood sugar. Then I spent a long time locked into strategic combat with a video game and that took an intense mental effort that must have burned a hell of a lot more brain calories.
Our brains are very greedy beasties, after all. One fifth of all our metabolic output goes to keep those hungry engines in our heads fed.
Just thought I’d share that little factoid. You’re welcome!
So I think it was all that skullduggery that triggered my blood sugar collapse. My body is not used to that level of metabolic demand. I probably blew through my entire metabolic reserve when I was playing that game.
Obviously, my blood sugar crashing is an emergency, so I stopped everything and started stuffing my face with Cheez-its and trail mix.
And that seemed to do the trick. I could feel that the collapse had been halted and then it was just a matter of eating enough trail mix to get my blood sugar level up.
My trail mix supply has obviously taken quite the hit, but whatever.
Looking back, this was not that bad a crash. I caught it early and luckily Cheez-its and trail mix were enough to halt the decline, unlike other crashes I’ve had where I try eating trail mix and my body is like TOO SLOW! NEED SUGAR NOW!
Bodies can be so bossy.
After I recovered, I checked the time and it was almost time for lunch. And blogging.
So I called Julian, hoping to get him to bring me some things so I could slap together a crude but effective lunch.
But he was not at home. Damn it.
So I had to get up and go to the kitchen to make my lunch. And when I got there I realized that I was quite dizzy.
So that made making lunch an adventure.
Another exciting day practicing the delicate art of not dying.
So far so good.
More after the break.
On unleashing the tiger
Although in my mind, it’s a sexy slinky cartoon tiger, like Shere Khan.
Seriously, though, I know that by opening the door to my id and all the Jungian shadow creatures locked up behind it, I am inviting chaos into my life.
I accept this truth. I know that there will be a certain air of lion taming to my life for a while. I will have to deal with my fuzzy demons on a case by case basis instead of simply suppressing damn near everything equally, across the board.
I can’t get the image of myself strapped in place and forced to look directly forward a la Clockwork Orange out of my head. It’s like when, long ago, in my early 20’s, I had to pull myself back together after a total nervous breakdown, I did so by getting to a somewhat stable place and then nailing myself there.
And then, the real trick bit came : hiding the fact that I had done this from myself. And thereby setting up a kind of virtual environment in my mind where it seemed like I could look around and see amazing things about how things work and understand so much that other people find utterly opaque and mysterious and so I could not possibly be locked in a jail cell if I can do all that!
But it was all just images projected on the walls of my tiny room. I could maintain the illusion as long as I didn’t actually try to go anywhere or do anything, but that is one hell of a hefty price to pay for a little mental respite.
Now, though, I am determined to get the fuck out of here. I have opened the door and now, I suppose I am waiting till I feel “ready” to go through it.
But what am I doing to get ready? Arguably very little.
I might just have to activate kamikaze mode and just fling myself into the void and trust that I can learn to fly before I hit the ground.
I mean, here I am at the end of the high dive board, looking down at the water and knowing that I need to jump.
In order to jump, though, I will need to kill another little part of myself to set myself free. I will have to damage myself in a deep and terrible way. And it’s gonna hurt.
But I don’t think I will ever feel “ready”. And I sure can’t wait around for it any more.
Time to shout, “Aieeeee!” and leap into the void.
Aaaaany minute now.
I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.