I’m feeling sluggish and tired and hence a bit cranky. I feel a weak but constant burning in all my muscles and my head hurts in that spot directly in that “third eye” spot in the middle of my forehead and I feel foggy and confused.
So I’m not doing too great right now. But this too shall pass.
Until then, I will use this negative mood in order to vent some more of the toxic garbage that has accumulated in my soul and maybe ease my burden a bit.
Basically, the crux of it all is that I hate my life and how it’s slowly falling apart along with my aging and sedentary body and yet I feel utterly helpless to change my destination.
I know it doesn’t seem that way. On paper there are loads of ways I could improve my life. But they all require something I just don’t seem to have.
They all require me to stop crouching in the corner with my face turned to the wall. I need to finally stand up, turn around to face the world, and enter that big bad world out there in order to finally deal with things properly.
And I just… can’t.
Even thinking about it hurts me. It gives me this feeling like my frostbitten and snow scarred body is being dragged painfully over rough and dirty ice. Like something raw and broken in me is trying to come to life but I am just too damaged to complete the circuit so I fall apart instead.
I am very good at falling apart. It’s getting my shit together that I fail at.
And it makes it so hard to avoid my self-loathing. That anger turned inward is a hell of a demon to try to exorcize. I have so much bitter contempt for myself and the pathetic worthless trash heap I’ve made of my life that it makes it hard to remember that I have any worth to anyone at all, let alone that people love and support me.
There’s still a terrible gap between me and others. An almost total lack of connection with the rest of humanity. I live in my own little walled off realm where I don’t connect with anybody on any deep level and thus I feel very, very alone.
And I know there are people who want to get closer to me. But I can’t let them in. I may have opened up a doorway inside myself, but I am still standing in that doorway and not letting anyone in, like an overzealous bouncer.
The truth is that I don’t know how to let people in. Or rather, I have no idea what being close to people is even like, and that scares me.
That part of me is frozen shut and has been for a long, long time. Whatever capacity I ever had to open up and connect with people died of a thousand winters deep inside me a long time ago, when I just plain gave up on people.
I went through my period of trying to reach out. Trying to make friends, connect with others, be a part of things. Even trying to be normal in my extremely clumsy fashion.
But due to lack of kindergarten (among other factor) I completely missed the bus when it came to socialization and normalization. I have been locked in this frozen realm of mine for a very long time and in here, I can’t touch anyone and no one touches me.
And that’s not enough. My soul has been starving for what feels like forever. All my gaming and blogging can do for me is keep me busy and/or amused. They can’t feed my spirit or help me grow.
So I feel trapped. But I’m not trapped. Except that I am.
I am just trapped by very inobvious and deeply personal issues that make no sense to the world outside myself as I see it.
I am broken in a way for which people don’t even have a word.
And I don’t know how to fix that.
But venting like this certainly helps. Thank you for listening.
More after the break.
The long dream
Been sleeping a lot today.
Must be time for the balloon payment on my sleep debt. It’s been a little frustrating because I’ve been only getting to play my video games in little 20 minute intervals and that’s an unsatisfying amount of play.
Feels like I am just getting started when it’s time to stop. Dammit.
But the real sleep problem that is on my mind right now is how a big part of me has been asleep and dreaming ever since I was raped at the age of 4 and how it has just occurred to me that in order to get better, I am going to have to wake that poor boy up.
And that’s not going to be easy. He’s been asleep for so long that there is no way that he is still healthy and whole as he slumbers away. He’s going to be a very sick child when he wakes up and that makes it seem like waking him is downright cruel.
And yet, awaken he must. In time, he will recover from his long, long nap and be able to truly wake up and take deep, cleansing breaths and then get up and face the day.
And on that day my psyche will be more whole than it has been ever since that terrible man raped me, and I will have all my faculties at my disposal instead of having to drag the dead weight of my sleeping self around behind me.
He doesn’t want to wake up. As far as he is concerned, there is still a horror beyond all comprehension waiting for him in the real world, and therefore waking up is the worst possible thing that could happen because then the monster will GET him.
And I don’t want to wake him up. It will not feel like I am doing him a kindness, at least not at first. Not only is he going to wake up sick, he will have to face a lot of very harsh truths when he does wake, including the horrible fact that he has been asleep for 47 years and most of his life has passed him by.
But somehow we will both get through it.
Because on the other side of all of that lies freedom.
And that make it all worth it.
I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.