And it has nothing to do with ghouls, ghosts, and goblins.
For the last week or so, I have been dreading this day. To the point where any time I would think of it, my mind would immediately shy away from it like a horse that’s trying to tell his rider that the big spooky mansion is haunted, and as the day grew closer my sense of apprehension only grew stronger.
And now here we are on the day itself, and I hate it.
And while I was doing the Therapy Thursday thing today, I figured out why.
It’s because I know I will be all alone doing absolutely nothing to celebrate tonight and that will leave me feeling lonely and isolated and forlorn.
It will feel like everyone in the world is getting together and having fun tonight except for little ol’ me and that is going to depress the hell out of me and there’s nothing I can do about it now.
Oh, there was a period of time where I could have done something about it. If I were amongst the living, I could have ordered myself some sugar free treats off of Amazon and eaten them while watching something spooky on YouTube (glitch in the Matrix stories, perhaps) and maybe hung out with some of my fuzzy friends online and not felt nearly as lonesome and left out as I do now.
And it’s not even dark yet. It’ll be worse later on.
But no, I am a warm fuzzy critter who’s dead on the inside, and mustering the wherewithal and gumption to do those kinds of things is far beyond my mortal powers, so I am just going to sit here like a lump and be miserable until sunrise tomorrow.
I can’t even order myself some pizza because Joe and Julian aren’t here (they have actual things to do because they have lives) and the buzzer system in our building is broken (again!!) so I couldn’t let the delivery dude in the building and would have to go down and get the stuff at the front entrance instead.
And with my gimpy legs, that would be a very tricky prospect, and probably unsafe as well given that there would be nobody around to help me if the journey proved to be much too much for me and my legs gave out and I fell.
Still, there IS a love seat to sit on in the lobby. So in theory, I could order the food, then head down to the lobby with a book and wait for it to arrive. Then, after it comes, sit down on the love seat for a rest before heading back upstairs.
Broken into segments like that, it might be doable.
We’ll see if I can find the ambition.
It would definitely help me to not feel so bad, but it would still be a risk. If anything went wrong I might lay there for hours.
That would suck.
Barring that, though, I am going to feel crappy. Kind of like a victim of circumstance, but not really. Unless we take “circumstance” to include “being mentally ill”.
Being crazy sucks. It’s no fun at all.
Well at least I can try hanging out with my fuzzy friends. That should at least take the edge of the loneliness. I can spend some time hugging fuzzies.
And who knows, I might order in just for the adventure of it all. Sure, there’s a risk, but it’s manageable, and if I can pull it off, I will be so very pleased with myself.
I am trying to train myself to think in terms of solutions and things to look forward to instead of being so fucking negative all the time.
I can make things better for myself. I truly can.
I just need to rise up and take charge of my life.
I’m working on it.
More after the break.
The fox stayed home
`I didn’t order in.
Chickened out, I guess you could say. Couldn’t quite get myself to do it.
It was a good plan and it probably would have worked fine but when push came to shove, I fell over.
You know. From the shoving.
I told myself that I would rather just save the money up anyhow. But that was sour grapes. The truth is that I didn’t have the guts to do it.
Oh well. There’s always next time.
And there’s always a next time.
The important thing is not to take this night’s result as an excuse not to try in the future. That’s loser thinking and I am sick and tired of that shit.
Losers are always looking for the closest exit. They want that quick hit of relief their feel when they give up on something and suddenly all the pressure is off and they will choose that over the remote possibility of success every single time.
Well, there go the Halloween fireworks. Another thing I don’t get to enjoy.
Yeah, I know. That’s loser thinking too. Always wallowing in the negative instead of looking for a way to be happy no matter what.
I’m working on it.
I don’t know where to find the strength to be positive. All I can do is try to remove as much of what is weighing me down as possible in hopes that eventually my natural buoyancy will take over and let me float free.
I still feel like there’s something vitally important missing from me. Some fundamental component of living that I lack and that without that emotional nutrient, all I can do is languish in the doldrums of life and do nothing that means anything till I die.
Scary, isn’t it kids?
But I can learn to feed my soul. I can feel the lack but I can also feel what could fill it and soon, that sad little boy will wake up and rejoin the rest of me, and I will be whole.
Hmm. Maybe I have an idea of how to start my NaNoWriMo novel after all.
Remember my motto : I only have to know what happens NEXT.
I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.