Okay, time to blog despite being quite sleepy.
At least getting up and making lunch shook some of the cobwebs out of my head. I would not have bet money on that when I was sitting on the bed trying to pull myself together enough to get up and get my day going.
Pretty sure I had a number of microsleeps during this period.
This “sleepy at sundown” thing is getting to be a drag, man. Thank God it won’t be like this all winter or I would have to radically alter my routine.
And I don’t like doing that. It’s so hard for me to do. I have come to realize that I rely heavily on whatever routine I am able to maintain in order to give my life some semblance of order and predictability.
That’s one of the main reasons I still have not done Lesson 3 of my sysadmin course.
More powerful than that, though, is the video game addiction. In order to do the lesson, I have to leave the warm and musty bosom of my video games for an hour or two, and my mind interprets that prospect as my basically going out into the cold naked, and so it’s difficult to get myself to do it.
It doesn’t help that I have not enjoyed the course so far. I was really looking forward to being taught how to do the job of network administrator and thus far all I have gotten from this joker is him loving the sound of his own voice.
That’s probably unfair but my point is that it’s not been fun yet.
I know I can do the job. I’ve got a good head for systems and how they fit together, and I am quite computer literate, so I am sure I can learn how networks work, how to keep them running, what problems I might face, and so forth.
I just need someone to explain it to me, starting with the basic principles and working up to understanding everything as a whole.
Put that way, I’m actually quite looking forward to it. I love that kind of thing.
And honestly, that’s the attitude I need to maintain if I am to make it through the course. I need to forget all about jobs and work and earning and all that scary and depressing stuff and just have fun with it. Treat it all as a game.
That’s probably a good attitude to have about life in general, come to think of it.
I know that I take things way too seriously, and I know that can be a serious impediment to living a happy life.
Especially for me. I’m a free spirit type and too much seriousness just leads to me hiding from life instead of dealing with things.
And that’s some seriously maladaptive shit, man.
If I could just loosen up and go easier on myself instead of being stuck in this cycle of inner abuse and avoidance, I could have the happy cheerful life I desire so much.
But that requires a pretty serious fundamental readjustment of attitude and those do no come easily. In fact, they often don’t come voluntarily.
Being change when they have to, not when they want to.
By default we stay the same.
To be honest, I am not sure how one learns to take life less seriously. When I try to enter that mode I just end up feeling nihilist.
Everything is stupid and nothing matters.
And that’s not a helpful attitude.
I can grasp the concept of treating life as a game easily enough but the actuality of implementing it daunts me. It would involve a major hack of what Nietzsche called my fundamental table of values, and those don’t come easy.
Well I know one thing for sure.
Thinking alone will not get me there.
I need to feel my way around more.
More after the break.
It’s nice to forget
Until you remember.
As I nuked myself some nuggets I was pondering something I have pondered before : how the nature of my debility makes it easy for me to forget just how disabled I am for long stretches of time.
After all, whether I am sitting at the computer or lying in bed, the fact my legs don’t work right does not come up, and that’s how I spend most of my day.
Even my occasional trips to the bathroom to empty my receptacle and/or bowels only put the issue into my mind for short bursts most days.
So it’s really only my twice daily trips to the kitchen that remind me that I am not a healthy man. When I get back to this here computer after a relatively short time on my feet and practically collapse into my computer chair because my legs are threatening to just plain give out on me, it’s hard to pretend everything is normal.
But then I am back to my sessile lifestyle where I live like a freaking barnacle, and I can forget my woes for another stretch of time.
And I suppose there’s no way around that. I mean, what’s the alternative? Sit here moping about how fucked up my legs are all the time?
Semi-forgetting at least lets me lead some sort of life. A sad sort, to be sure, but a life.
Then again, perhaps sitting around feeling sad about it all would do me some good in the long run. It might actually inspire me to focus on my life and find the energy to act to make this life of mine a better place to live.
I just feel so… limp most of the time. Like I just don’t have the motive force within my spirit that I would need to get moving and actually change things in my life.
Just thinking about it makes me quail sometimes, like an old maid encountering a burglar in her basement.
And maybe that’s a physical thing, I don’t know. Maybe there is something wrong with my heart that makes it impossible for me to build the force of spirit to do anything except to hold on for dear life to the tiny little life-boat that is my tragic existence and wait for some kind of hope to come along and save me.
Even though I know that’s never going to happen.
But it’s not like I’ve got anything better to do.
I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.