But I’m not.

I feel dizzy. I have since I woke up from a nap around ten minutes ago. It’s a mild dizziness – I was able to get my lunch from the kitchen without too much trouble – but it runs quite deep and is accompanied by an even deeper feeling that something just ain’t right in my body right now.

So color me concerned.

Insert my standard, “wah, I don’t wanna go to the ER or Urgent Care!” whining that usually comes up when I have a health scare of some sort.

The pattern of my life would predict that this will be a scary problem for a while then disappear entirely like it was naught but the frost on the lilies come morn.

But this is not just an outbreak of my periodic flu-ish symptoms. Something deep inside me is telling me something very not good is afoot.

I will see how I feel after I finish lunch and it’s had time to digest, and the water I am drinking has time to percolate through my body.

This could be just another weird way for my dehydration to manifest.

We will wait and see.

My digestion just make an ominous sound. Raise alert level by 10 percent.

Otherwise, I am having a decent day. Divinity : Original Sin continues to be very fun to play and I am glad to have acquired it, especially now that I know that it has a rating of “Universal acclaim” on Metacritic.

Well who am I to disagree with the universe?

I ordered some treats for myself earlier today. Found that Amazon Canadastocks the “big half-kilo bag o’ chocolates” that I got in a previous year, so that will be arriving some time tomorrow.

The website says it will arrive “before 10 pm”, which certainly gives them a nice wide window of time to get it here and have it still officially be “tomorrow”.

Once I get them, I will then have to practice a modicum of self-control in order to keep myself from eating too many at once.

That’s not out of some Puritan streak of compulsive self-denial out of fear of giving in to “decadence”, of course. But the chocolates are sweetened with maltitol^[1] and that stuff is known to have a mild laxative effect,

Why can’t everyone just use Splenda?

Unwelcome thought : it would be far too typical of my life for me to end up in the hospital for Xmas Eve and Day.

Well at least I wouldn’t be alone, assuming I’m out in the ward and not isolated because they don’t know if I’m contagious or whatever.

I’m pretty sure the only thing infectious about me right now is my smile.

We will see how things play out. Right now I have that seasick kind of dizziness that makes my body want to keep going in whatever direction I move it, as though my limbs suddenly weigh twice as much.

No malaise as of yet, knock on wood. And phew for that. If I had a major energy drain and/or sickly feeling going on at the same time as the rest of this bullshit, I doubt I would have been able to get out of bed and focus enough to blog.

But I’d sure as hell try. I am way, way beyond the point where blogging is optional. I need to write my words every day in order to clear the logjam in my brain and let me actually think clearly.

And that’s, like, my favorite way to think.

More after the break.

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Still not right

I feel a little better than I did earlier, but I still feel that sense of wrongness.

And I am still a bit dizzy. Plus my nose is running and I can feel that the sinuses above and around my eyes are stuffed up.

That congestion is probably what is causing the dizziness and the ill feeling. It’s pressing on that part of my dura that swells up when I get heat stroke and that leads to me feeling dizzy and ill then, too.

I wonder if that’s fixable? My mother once told me that her father, my late Pepe, had a nasty sinus issue once that got way better after an operation. Made a huge difference.

Then again, I have had my head examined relatively recently. One would hope a sinus malformation would be the sort of thing that would stand out enough to get noticed even if they weren’t looking for it.

But maybe not. I dunno.

I think I am more or less ready for Xmas. Which is good because tomorrow is Xmas Eve. I think I will weather it well on an emotional level.

Being able to write out all my fears and anxiety certainly helps a lot, and for that I have you, my readers, to thank.

Like I said up above in part 1, I need to blog. I can’t imagine going without blogging for even a day. I would feel so anxious and restless and, well, blocked up.

Constipated. I would feel mentally constipated. Make of that what you will.

In fact, that need to blog is the best argument for finally replacing the battery on my tablet I could think of.

Sure, typing on a tablet sucks rancid donkey taint, but it’s still better than not being able to share my words at all.

I am still struggling to accept that I can only “push” every once in a while. Most of the time, all I can do is hang on to my scraps of sanity and try to make it through the day.

The sorts of things that might expand my world are still out of reach most of the time. I just don’t have the chutzpah or the wherewithal to fight my inward tide inside most days.

And it’s hard not to get angry and frustrated with myself over that. That feeling that what I want is right there and I therefore should be able to just grab it is maddening.

I guess I need to learn to have more patience with myself.

But I have all this pent up energy and ambition and even good ol greed inside me and it wants to claw its way out.

And I still won’t let it.

I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.