The second I stopped playing Divinity : Original Sin, I got super sleepy.

I think the darkening skies probably played a part too. And the fact that I went out to do the Wound Care thing at 2 pm today and was therefore already already tired when I sat down to play m’game anyhow was probably a major factor.

But this happened at a bit before 3:40 pm, meaning that in 25 minutes ^[1] it would be time for me starting the bloggening, and that is not nearly enough time for me to go back to sleep, so here I am, sleepy but determinedly typing away to you lovely people.

I think it being Xmas Eve is making me more sentimental.

I haven’t done a heck of a lot to prepare for the evening. No surprise there. Even when my legs worked the depression suppressed whatever bright and perky urges to do a bunch of stuff to “celebrate” and left me knowing that the minute Xmas was over, I will wish I had done more, and it still not making me motivated to do more.

I am so cold and damp and dark inside. No wonder nothing can live there.

Even so, over the years, like patient readers know, I have been stubbornly determined to keep Xmas in my heart even if it meant being super sad and lonely on Xmas Eve because I just loved Xmas that much.

Well that ends now. Fuck it. I will always love Xmas with all my super sappy heart but this year I am cutting any ties that lead to me feeling isolated and terrible and depressed because I don’t want to have to spend my Xmas day talking to someone at a suicide prevention hotline because I have nowhere to go and no will to get me there.

Those are the stakes, folks. Robin William’s suicide resonated with me far too much for my comfort. Maybe that’s why I got so mad at him at the time.

He made sure all his loved people were away and that they would be OK and then he quietly slipped out death’s door when he was all alone, like some kind of wild animal crawling off to die.

If I ever harmed myself, it would be when I felt utterly alone and isolated with no connection to humanity at all. Or when I felt very happy and replete and didn’t want to go back to the bad place ever again.

Kinda like Kurt Cobain of Nirvana and Michael Hutchens of INXS. They both committed suicide when they were finally getting better, and starting to heal.

I get it. I understand exactly why that would happen that way.

But I could never do that to the people I love and who love me. Suicide is a brutally violent act to perpetrate on everyone who knows you. It will do considerably more than just break their hearts. That kind of thing could shatter a person.

The guilt alone could kill you.

So no, I could never be that selfish. Even at my lowest moments, and I might be heading into one of those soon, my love for those who care about me would keep me from doing such a terrible thing to them.

Maybe that’s another reason why I got so mad at Robin Williams. How could he do that to everyone who loved him, which includes like half of humanity?

When I learned he was in terrible pain, I forgave him somewhat. I vehemently oppose suicide but I am for euthanasia. If all you have to look forward to is pain and debility and the horror of being in it while your body dies, then GTFO with my blessing.

But as for me, I am fine. Yeah, I have health issues that worry me and I do have daily indignities to deal with, but I am nowhere near despair.

I just feel down now and then.

And then I come pour it all out into this blog, and that helps so much.

Thank you so much for making that possible, dear readers.

Merry Xmas et Joyeux Noel, mon amis.

More after the break.

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I’ve been trying to read these gay furry smut comics from Korea via Google Translate, and while it can translate the words, clearly it has trouble with the meaning.

I mean, try reading this :

There’s always a ton of repetition and naked dudes screaming “I want to know what I want to know” and “I want to know what I want to say” and “where is the point!?!” at each other and it makes for a bizarre and surreal read.

Presumably, these phrases represent idiomatic Korean that does not translate well, at least not with mechanical translation.

I had been meaning to post one of these for a few days now, but having someone say, “Eskimo…?” completely out of context then having a burly Korean player of American football yell, “I want to go to KKK!” drove me to finally do it.

I mean, what the proverbial fuck, man? LOL.

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Oh right, Xmas pics!

I forgot I made some of those.

Like this darling picture of feral Fruvous on Xmas morning :

Those stories ended up being quite wholesome for something that started off as a way for me to process family trauma. 

Maybe I should try that again. Hmmm. 

And then there’s this wholesome trio : 

 

I wanna hug them and kiss the top of their heads so bad!

And here’s one from when I had some friends over for Xmas dinner.

In the holiday spirit, we will just pretend that is a tofurkey, as sheep are herbivores.

Well that’s enough wholesomeness for now. We now return you to your usual protective coating of snarkiness and cynicism.

And I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.