Watched a video about how to identify and address the toxic beliefs that are holding you back and fueling your mental health issues, and while the video itself was forgettable (seemed mostly to be an excuse for some lady to talk about herself, which is.. special), the idea itself seems good so I thought I would give it to go.
And I know that this is a good idea because my mind really doesn’t want to go there, and it’s making feel anxious and disoriented and a little dizzy, almost like vertigo, so I know I must be on the right track.
Let’s start with the more obvious toxic beliefs, like that I am something hideous, pathetic, repulsive, and unlovable.
I have no evidence to support such a radically incorrect belief. It stems entirely from a need to express the bitterness and anger I feel by turning them inward, and that, in turn, only makes me angrier and more bitter.
Ultimately it devolves down to the fact that I feel horrible and disgusting and unlovable. And that feeling is so deeply embedded in my self-image that changing it requires the psychological equivalent of open heart surgery to fix it.
And that’s a hard thing to have to do to yourself.
Another limiting belief of mine is that I am weak and incapable and incompetent.
My dyspraxia plays a big part in that. Also known as developmental co-ordination disorder, it’s just like dyslexia except instead of making it harder to learn to read, it mkes it harder to learn motor skills.
I’ve had that problem for my entire life. It’s why I am such a spaz when it comes to doing physical things. Combined with my poor eyesight (even in glasses), it definitely functions as a disability all on its own and leaves me in need of someone who is physically competent more often than I would care to admit.
This was made into a psychological issue by my siblings being impatient with me not being able to do certain simple things and making me feel bad about even trying to do things myself, let alone giving me the time and space and help I needed in order to laboriously learn to do things.
I sometimes wonder if there’s something wrong with my mirror neurons. Maybe too many of them are devoted to empathy instead of motor skill acquisition.
So unlike the belief in my horribleness, my feeling of helpless physical incompetence does have some basis in reality. I do have a lot of trouble with some things, especially things requiring fine motor control.
To be honest, I’ve never controlled a fine motor in my life. Like a Bentley or a Jag.
But acknowledging my limitations does not require me to hate myself over it. That’s entirely optional and hopefully avoidable in time.
I might want to pursue an official diagnosis, though. It might help me to qualify for additional assistance, such as occupational therapy.
Who know, maybe it’s partly fixable.
Another very toxic belief is that I am worthless. That I am nothing but a liability to the world and to those who love me and, well, you can guess where that leads.
The very bad place.
I know that people like me and value me and want me around. And I know that I am actually a phenomenally talented and capable individual who has an amazing amount to offer the world if I could just get out of my own way.
I know these things and yet I don’t feel them. All my despair and self-loathing has no basis in reality and yet the delusional beliefs remain because they are my only way of expressing certain difficult emotions in myself.
So ridding myself of these toxic beliefs requires finding a different, healthier, less self-destructive outlet for those feelings.
And I don’t know where to go for that.
More after the break.
Missing the point
My intuition is saying that there’s toxic beliefs that the above text comes nowhere near addressing. That there’s much deeper and more fundamental delusional beliefs that need to be addressed in order for me to finally clear the bone from my throat and heal.
Obviously, I don’t know what those are yet. But it’s a solid lead.
Come out with your hands up
It just occurred to me that for a lot of my life I have felt surrounded.
Like, as in, cop on a bullhorn shouting, “You’re completely surrounded! There’s no chance you will escape! So come out with your hands up!”
And here I am hunkered down in the one room of the house with no windows, assault rifle in my hands, nowhere near ready to surrender to the god damn cops.
Of course, there’s nobody out there. I’m not surrounded by anything but my own fears and the need to escape them.
And the only way to escape from your fears when they have you surrounded is to withdraw even further into yourself and essentially pretend they are not there.
And I have done this many times over and so I am many, many layers deep into myself. By “choosing” to remain cut off from the world and living in the world of screens, I am fleeing my own inner prosecution and things just keep getting worse and that only makes me withdraw even more.
It’s a terrible cycle. It “works” in that it makes it seem like the bad things have gone away when I am really just filling my mind with video games to displace them.
That’s like the definition of maladaptive.
Practically the entire world of media, as one, yells that I should face my fears and conquer them and I will feel so great and free afterwards.
No doubt this is true. But it doesn’t make it easier to actually do that.
It doesn’t pry the icy fingers of fear from my throat so that it no longer fears like if I face those fears I will die… or worse.
Right now it feels like defying that circuit of fears and aversions that surrounds me would be like tearing off one of my limbs.
And I know that it would probably be worth it.
But I’m scared.
I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.