I know, I cover this topic a fair bit. But it’s kind of important to me.
This won’t be the last you hear of it either, I am sure. So buckle in.
First, there’s the arrogance I have always displayed.
To me, it’s not really arrogance, but I will admit it’s a fine distinction. I have always been extremely confident about my intelligence and its products.
And why wouldn’t I be? To this day, I’ve not met anyone who is categorically smarter than me. School has always been super easy for me, college included, and this great big brain of mine gives me a feeling of power that makes me feel like I tower over other people like I’m fucking Godzilla.
For the record, I don’t like that feeling. I don’t want to tower over others. That would just take me even further away from the rest of humanity to a place where I would not even feel like a human being any more.
Or so I’ve always thought.
Anyhow, clearly, to some people, confidence is arrogance, and like I said, it’s a fine distinction at best. If you’re an average student watching the like of me saunter into class and ace a test I didn’t even known we were having that day, you’re going to assume that I must be as arrogant as I am superior.
But I never have been, at least from my point of view. Sure, I’ve never pretended to be stupider than I am (and I never will, unless there’s money in it for me, and it would have to be a LOT) but I never acted like I was better than everyone else or otherwise super special and precious, and I think I deserve credit for that.
Even if it was the product of crippling depression and very low self-esteem.
But as patient readers know, for a long time now I have been wondering if being arrogant and full of myself might actually be the smarter path.
At least then I would have the confidence to go out into the world and try to make a place for myself where I can be a real honest to goodness grownup.
And after that, who knows? Armed with the confidence of arrogance (and vice versa), I might conquer the world with my dazzling talents and powerful intellect.
I mean, not literally. I’m not some power mad megalomaniac with delusions of grandeur.
But I feel like becoming rich and famous is not entirely out of my reach.
I do know that there is no healthy middle neutral position possible for me. It honestly seem to be that I can love myself or I can hate myself but I can’t just be healthy and normal about myself.
I fly or I die. Period.
Maybe I could compromise and just develop an inflatable ego. One that I can pump up big when it’s time to go out and take on that big ol world and apply for jobs and/or try to become a YouTube star but that I can deflate back to more sane proportions when it’s time to just be a social human being for a while.
Sounds fairly doable, although I imagine living in two worlds like that can be stressful. I suppose every celebrity must face this conflict, and I do want to be a celebrity.
Admittedly, my talents are more behind the camera stuff like writing, but I can also be a charismatic and compelling orator, and that’s why I am thinking YouTube.
But then the question becomes : what the hell kind of YouTube would I be?
I’ll talk that through when I get back from Denny’s.
More after the break!
What kind of Youtuber?
Hell if I know.
The problem is that I’m a very complicated dude with a lot of different facets to my personality, many of which I am still trying to figure out, so it’s hard to pick one of these facets as the one to which I give voice.
So here’s the broad categories :
- Angry. There has definitely been a flourishing of things for me to be pissed off about lately, and part of me has always been kinda hotheaded, and that part of me really wants to scream and shout and foam at the mouth about all the fucked up shit going down on this fireball planet of ours and really attack the forces of evil with every last erg of my massive verbal wave motion gun’s power so I can destroy those opinions I find toxic like I’m the motherfucking Death Star.
- Saintly. But then again, I really just want everyone to get along. I want to find common ground in the most unlikely and infertile places and help people see that we’re all more alike than we are different and that we’re all in this together against a cold and hostile world so we need to huddle together so we can fight the darkness with the warm glow of humanity, united, and at peace.
- Funny. Then again, I could stay the hell away from politics, petty bickering, and punditry and just be a harmless humorist making funny eccentric little videos full of my signature charm and gentle good nature to make videos that are warm and friendly and appealing to everyone and maybe just make the world a happier and more welcoming place for the whole darn world.
- Nerdy. Or I could concentrate on geek culture like science fiction, fantasy, and especially video games (might as well get something out of playing them so much.) I could embrace my zany side and make highly nerd-friendly content that is funny and geeky nerdy as all get out. Or maybe I could tap into my love of science instead and do highly accessible science explainer vids.
Or a million other things, I assume. This gem of mine has a ridiculous number of facets and for now at least, I have no idea how to unite them into a single identity, let alone if that is even possible.
Maybe I will approach the whole thing like I do this blog. No format, no outline, no script, whatever comes out, comes out.
It might work. My personality is the real product after all.
And maybe I’ll assign my different faces their own #hashtage.
I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.