That’s how I am feeling at the moment.
I talk about it here :
Hey, it could work. Every time I talk about going to the ER or UC it ends up just being dehydration and I get better once I get enough water in me.
That’s part of why I haven’t escalated to a full on red alert yet. Right now I am, as usual, closely monitoring myself so that I can see if it all goes away or gets worse.
God, I hope it doesn’t get worse.
Oh, right, before I forget : I am also experiencing muscle aches, runny nose, and that weird ache that goes all the way from my lungs to my ear canals.
Again, believe it or not, that could all be dehydration.
My life is so fucked up.
The runny nose is probably just my seasonal allergies kicking in. Heck, my whole pathology of the moment could be traced back to a body wide inflammatory response to some god damn pollen or other allergen.
Why do we even need histamines, anyway? I know I looked that up a while back and the answers was something about ways your body sends chemical signals and thus communicates with itself, but I’m not satisfied with that answer.
We need to teach our cells to write teeny tiny Post-it notes.
What bugs me is how fast I can dehydrate. I can go from adequately moistened to practically a powder in a matter of hours.
And that makes me feel like I have to drink water constantly just to stay alive. Like all those episodes of Flipper I watched where they were transporting Flipper to wherever he was needed by helicopter and the main characters kept sponging water over him so his skin didn’t dry out.
Man that show was contrived. I mean, if you thought the stuff they had to come up with so that Aquaman could use his powers in the Superfriends was contrived, at least Aquaman could survive out of the water.
But it had animals AND helicopters so I loved it as a kid.
Once more I briefly flirt with the idea of living life with a hydration IV and a freaking urinary catheter in just so I could be sure to stay hydrated.
Then I wouldn’t have to get up nearly as much, and that sounds like a bad thing now that I have typed it out.
I mean, I’m already practically sessile. If it wasn’t for getting up to empty my pee receptacle and refill my water glass I would be one jumbo pack of adult diapers away from never moving at all.
That would be the ultimate oral-retentive dream/nightmare. The sort of Twilight Zone “careful what you wish for” dream from which you wake up screaming, drenched in sweat, not simply because it was horrifying but also because part of you found it so very, very appealing.
Great, I have successfully creeped myself out.
Deep breaths. Find my center. Remind myself that I want to live, not merely survive, now and that means that said nightmare is not in my future.
Not by choice, anyhow.
Oh, by the way, I have now hydrated a fair bit and it has, indeed, made me feel somewhat better. The symptoms remain but their severity is diminished.
So I don’t know what to think. I will hydrate further and see how things turn out. It might be just a side effect of my body adjusting to the warmer weather.
Eventually the afternoon will become my enemy and I will really have to hydrate constantly or end up heat sick.
Maybe this is the year I get one of those portable AC units.
More after the break.
Another epic journey
From here to the kitchen and back! Tally ho!
And when in the kitchen, I didst microwave a Michelina’s (fettucine Alfredo, classic) and makes myself some garlic cheese toast while I was at it.
And yes, it continues to be sad (and upsetting if I think about it too much) how much such a simple act takes out of me.
On the other hand, I am merely winded and a little sore, and that’s not so bad. That just means I got a little bit of exercise, and that’s a good thing.
Part of freeing myself up inside has to be learning to accept that a certain amount of effort is not just good for me in the long term, it can be good for me right away in terms of relieving stress and muscular tension.
And that feels good, and who needs another reason to do something that feels good?
It’s just a matter of convincing myself that the effort will be worth it. That reward will fully justify and even exceed effort.
And that goes against one of depression’s favorite lies, which is that nothing is ever worth what it costs and that therefore all you can do is do as little as possible.
But nobody truly believes it or they would be catatonic. All they would do is lie there and stare at the wall all day, every day.
Clearly on some level there are things they consider to be worth the effort, even if they’re just mundane things like eating and using the bathroom.
Generally speaking, we at least serve whatever our addiction is. Food, masturbation/porn, video games, birdwatching.
One of the secret keys to unlocking depression is realizing that life gets a lot easier if you just give your body what it wants.
And when you do that, your body will reward you will pleasure. And it won’t even feel like effort, the effort actually comes from restraining your body from doing what it is meant to do.
I’m not saying that will make everything feel like golden sunshine all the time but it will release a lot of tension. Tension you didn’t even know you had.
Doesn’t that sounds good?
Hmmm. I wonder how much I could make off a book called, “The Hedonist’s Diet”…
I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.