Holy crap, am I tired.
Here’s what I made today :
I wish I had been able to do the whole lyrics on screen thing I usually do in order to give the video some kind of visual interest, but like I said, I ran out of gas.
To the point where taking a shower when I am done here seems like a big chore.
I put considerable time and energy into today’s doggerel and so it was all I could manage to make some sort of video for the song.
Perhaps tomorrow’s video project will be to make a better video for it. Something more befitting its potential as an anti-Trump viral hit.
Hey, it could happen.
There’s a neurotic little voice in my head that’s worried that without the lyrics on screen people might miss out on some of my hilarious lyrics.
Another reason to make a better vid for it when I have the energy.
I knew I was in trouble when I generated the song then glanced at the clock and it was 2:30 pm and I hadn’t even started the video yet.
Like I said, I think I am going to have to start making these things earlier in the day. Right now, doing a video at 2 pm when I will be blogging at 4:05 pm is starting to seem like I am not giving myself enough time.
Maybe I could do a rough version in the morning, at say 10 am, then polish things up as best as I can at 2 pm.
That sounds doable.
And it would give me more to do with my time than just wasting time with video games.
Maybe I really am growing up, because it increasingly feels like I play video games just to pass the time before I get to make stuff.
And that’s silly, right? Why not make stuff whenever I feel like it? It’s not like I am waiting for someone else to be ready or anything.
It all comes back to routine. My routine is the only structure in my life and I am increasingly aware of how desperately dependent on it I am.
I’ve never thought of myself as the kind of person who needs to do the same things and the same time and the same way every day, but I am, kinda.
Not to a Sheldon from Big Bang Theory extent but if something kept me from doing things on my usual schedule, I would find it very upsetting.
Here is my day so far :
8 am – Breakfast and hanging out with my fuzzy friends on Tapestries.
2 pm – Make a video
4:05 pm – Blogging part 1, plus eating lunch
8 pm – Blogging Part 2, plus eating supper
Midnight : hanging out with Julian watching Colbert on the PVR and having my snack
As you can see, it’s a frenetic, madcap existence that’s bound to put me in an early grave from living such a dissolute life.
Seriously though, there’s room there for more productive things to do. I mean, the whole stretch of time between midnight and noon is wide open. I could fit something or other in there, maybe to coincide with breakfast.
Or maybe I should keep that as a relaxed stress-free time to hang with all my fuzzy friends and not turn it into something that has to be “productive”.
I dunno. I’m new at this whole… doing things… thing.
I really do want to improve the quality of my videos. They still seems sloppy and halfassed to me now and I want to get to 3/4 assed at least.
It’s something I’ll have to think about.
More after the break.
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I used to think I couldn’t have Daddy issues because I had no relationship with my father any more.
Which is stupid right on the face of it.
The fact that at one point I froze my father out of my mind did nothing to change the underlying truth that every boy needs a father and for the most part I didn’t get one.
Oh, he was there, more’s the pity. We all lived in the shadow of his rage. He was a short-tempered, impatient, verbally abusive asshole who hilariously wondered why he didn’t have a closer relationship with his kids.
Because you weren’t safe to be around, ever, Larry.
Do the freaking math.
And because he wasn’t safe to be around, he didn’t really fill the job of father for me on an emotional level. I couldn’t go to him with problems. I couldn’t ask his advice. He never taught me or encouraged me to take (smart) risks. I certainly couldn’t share my deepest darkest secrets with him.
For most of my childhood I avoided him as much as I could. It was like living with some kind of fairy tale ogre. A particularly petulant one.
And now, yup, I am definitely attracted to older men, which is a bit rich coming from a 52 year old. I long for someone strong and competent and confident and calm who can take my hand and soothe my anxiety and gently lead me forward as he helps me sort through all my thoughts and feelings and guides me past the road blocks in my mind.
And that’s exactly the sort of thing I didn’t get from Larry.
And maybe that’s why I am so high strung and anxious and weak. I did not get vital infusions of positive male energy in my formative years and so I ended up being an overwrought hand-wringing “mama’s boy” type.
On the other hand, I could be really good for that “daddy figure” I described. I could be the soft, feminine, understanding, empathic feminine energy to go with his masculine energy and give him the comfort and gentleness he can’t give himself.
I could be his “mommy figure”.
In fact, I think I’d enjoy that a lot.
I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.