And now, for the pulse pounding excitement of me talking to my webcam.
So yeah. I have one fucked up leg.
There are no other symptoms that I can detect. That area doesn’t feel hot, there’s no discharge or lesions or ulcers, i don’t feel faint or out of breath, and so on.
And that’s a good sign but by no means a guarantee that there is not something further wrong with that area.
Knowing me, it’s entirely possible that a doctor or nurse will ask me about a symptom and I will be like, “Yes, in fact, I think I’ve been experiencing that for some time, now that you mention it. ”
My bizarre brain just filed it under “noise” and filtered it out till now.
I’m convinced that said filtering is a big part of intelligence and/or genius. The sorts of abstract and symbolic reasoning tasks favored by the modern Western definition of “intelligence” require you to tune out both the sensory world and your own emotions in order to listen to the inner voice of that section of your subconscious mind that handles that kind of thing.
Hence the correlation between intelligence and the thickness of that region of the brain responsible for suppressing emotion so that we can think clearly.
Speaking of thinking clearly…
Something I have been pondering lately is my own prioritization of mental clarity. Over the years I have invested considerable time, energy, and emotional capital trying to hold myself apart from what is going on so as to not be overwhelmed by emotions and stimulation, all so I can keep my precious “clarity”.
Hence the fear of overstimulation. If too much is going on I can’t think clearly and I might have to actually make a decision based on emotion.
And surely that could only ever end badly.
Or so my overly cerebral outlook seems to think.
But now I am heavily rethinking that. Maybe it’s not such a bad thing to be in the scrum of emotions and passions and impractical concerns with everyone else. Maybe maintaining an icy cold detachment from everything is actually extremely bad for the soul because it’s cutting me off from all that is warm and wholesome and good in the world, and all to be sure to see the “truth”.
Sure, I’m a broken down emotional wreck of a human who has never gotten within a country mile of adulthood and who can’t get his life moving because he’s too scared of everything to do anything, but hey, it’s all worth it to know I have the right answer!
Yeah. Maybe the absolute truth ain’t all it’s cracked up to be.
Maybe at times it’s positively antithetical to human happiness. Maybe my relentless, shark-like hunger for The Truth is a misguided attempt to force a chaotic world to make sense to me in a way I can accept.
Namely, a super cerebral way.
Maybe what I really need is to hunt down that truth shark and get it under control so I can live a more warmly human life and feel like I am a part of everything good and alive instead of feeling cold and dead all the time.
Of course I’m cold. I’ve been keeping myself in an arctic freeze just to keep the lens of my mind crystal clear.
For all the good that’s done me.
I think I’d rather know less of the truth and be more of a person instead of being the bizarre and otherworldly creature I am today.
So what if things become somewhat muddled?
On the whole, I’d rather be happy.
On the whole, I’d rather be alive.
More after the break.
I don’t wanna be awake
Wah, wah, wah.
Because of the unusual addition of a doctor’s appointment to the day’s routine, I am more tired than usual.
Honestly, my whole routine has been thrown off, but whatever. I’m smart, I’m hip, I’m adaptable. I will survive.
I just need to catch the fuck up on sleep, that’s all.
I have another medical appointment tomorrow. In addition to the Wound Care I ususally have on Tuesdays, I have another appointment with my ophthalmologist, Doctor McKay.
Probably gonna get another needle in the eye. Joy. Oh well, beats blindness.
Depending on how I feel after, Julian might drop me off at the LifeLabs right around the corner from us so I can get that bloodwork done.
We will see. I might be in a grumpy mood after getting a needle to the eye and not really feel like dealing with that whole deal.
We’ll definitely be going to the LifeLabs around the corner and not the one over on 3 Road, though. The 3 Road one is cold and impersonal and always super crowded.
The one next to our pharmacy on the corner of Cook and Buswell, on the other hand, has a comfortably old and warm vibe.
And I am all about the vibes.
The only problem with the one around the corner is that it has pay parking. But that’s easily solved by Julian dropping me off then coming back to pick me up once they have taken my blood.
Watch out for those phlebotomists, they’re out for blood!
That would be a great name for a blood drive at Pride. Or some kind of mixer event for gay vampires and people who want to “donate”.
What? You just know that there’s fags out there who dream of a tall dark mysterious stranger who wants to suck their… blood.
It really is just a metaphor for sex, isn’t it?
If I don’t get the lab work done tomorrow I will get it done the next day, Wednesday. I am determined to get it done ASAP so I don’t forget all about it.
When you are chronically absentminded, you have to find ways to compensate if you hope to lead any sort of a life.
So until I have a personal assistant to remind me of stuff like that, I will have to strike while the iron is hot.
You can strike when it’s cold but all you’ll get is a loud clanging sound.
I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.