Got some of my feelings about tax whiners and their ilk out today.
And even stretched my abilities a tad, in a couple of ways.
Here’s the scoop :
For one thing, this video required remarkably little editing overall. I think I really am getting better at speaking without a lot of ums or ahs or y’knows, and that pleases me.
And not just because it saves me a lot of work in the editing booth, so to speak.
But because it also means I am growing more confident in what I say. As I said recently, I’ve never lacked the courage to state and defend my opinions (just try and stop me) but my ability to put myself forward in the first place could use some work.
Speaking of editing, I was also able to do something I’d not done before, which was to record more video and edit it in when I had already finished the initial edit.
Very often when I have made these vids of mine a whole bunch more stuff I wanna say on the subject will occur to me while I’m editing and before now I have been too… I guess timid? to do so.
And too eager to get it done so I could go back to wasting my life, presumably.
Well it’s what I’m good at.
That, and not being bitter.
So the fact that I did it today is kind of a big deal for me on the personal front. It should improve the quality of my videos and help me to better express all I have to say on a given subject which will definitely help me emotionally.
And it means I have overcome a personal barrier, and that’s all for the good. Not a huge one in the grand scheme of things, but it’s very good to remind myself that these walls inside me CAN be overcome and need not dictate the terms of my life any more.
It was a good time to push myself to add more stuff because the fact that my initial speech on the subject of tax whiners took so little editing meant that I had the time and energy left over to add stuff.
I was aided by the fact that all the things I said about people bitching about their taxes is stuff I have had lying around in my head for forever. So it was already well articulated in my head before I even said a word about it.
I should rummage through my skull for more things like that. On a deep subconscious background level, I tend to feel like if it’s been in my head a while, it’s something obvious that everyone knows by now and thus not worth saying.
Makes no sense on a conscious level, of course. I have all kinds of extremely original thoughts that the world needs to hear. The fact that I have thought them for forever has no impact on that.
I have a whole lot of insights into a whole lot of things that as far as I know are fairly unique to me and should be shared with the global community.
Of course, getting anyone to pay attention to them is another question.
At this exact point in my life, all I can do is keep doing what I do and hoping to be noticed. And I do seem to be gaining attention on TikTok, picking up around 20 new followers a day.
Still a long long way from the 1000 I need to start making money, but still.
I hope to look up how to promote your YouTube/TikTok at some point. I’ve not had a lot of luck with that kind of thing in the past – it always seems so cheesy and tedious.
But this time I will go in knowing I’m not going to like it and I am going to want to just throw my hands up and stomp off, and try to hang in there long enough to find some things I could stand to do that might help.
And not turn me into a pest.
More after the break.
Under the whatever
Today was another one of my flu-ish days when I did not make it to Wound Care or my exercising at the Kinsmen.
Which was disappointing. But I woke up with mind fog, a sore dry scratchy throat, aching muscles, and a headache, so I called it all off for the week.
Can’t risk spreading the potential germs et al.
But I dunno. I am beginning to suspect myself of psychosomaticism. I don’t seem to wake up with these symptoms when I am not facing a busy, stressful day.
Or maybe I do, and I just don’t notice it because I always feel like crap in one way or another and so it doesn’t stand out unless I have plans.
I dunno. I am a very complicated guy. The inside of my skull can be like an echo chamber inside a mirror maze with a smoke machine. Everything can be so hazy and blurry and reflected and distorted.
I wonder if that’s part of why I developed such a highly disciplined, logical, analytical, powerfully focused laser sharp conscious mind.
Like an existential hero from 60’s science fiction, I use my logical mind to conquer the turbulence and insanity of my inner world and force clarity to emerge from chaos.
Too bad it can’t do the same for happiness.
Would you rather be smart, or happy? Or can you even separate the two?
Regardless of my preference I have ended up smart. Very, very smart. Painfully so. And that razor sharp mind of mine cuts me to ribbons every chance it gets because it’s a tool of my corrupt and malevolent superego and it fucking hates me.
Ever so slowly I am learning to turn that shit outward so that I can actually heal.
I’m working on it.
I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.