There is something up in this battered and bloated body of mine, and it ain’t good.

It started last night. I was lounging on my little couch and watching stuff on Netflix when I suddenly felt sort of weak and like I could not catch my breath.

I immediately sat up straight (I had been sort of slouching into the couch) and calmed myself with breathing exercises, namely first emptying my lungs of air (to prevent hyperventilation) and then breathing slowly and calmly in order to get my body to slow down a little.

This is what I usually do in these circumstances as a panic-management technique I learned in order to deal with my anxiety attacks, way back before I was ever on Paxil. I more or less invented it and learned it on my own, although I was pleased when I later read something similar in the literature of anxiety and panic survival skills.

And so eventually, I slowed down and felt a lot better, although I have to admit, I was a little worried there for a while. But I had just been talking to someone else who was going through a very bad panic attack earlier that night, and so I thought it was maybe a delayed reaction panic attack of my own.

Darn that empathic healing. It works but you have to absorb the other person’s wounds in order to do it. In this case, I absorbed their panic. Or, if you want to be more prosaic about it, talking her down from her anxiety touched the part of me that used to have panic attacks and activated it.

Either way, she feels better and I feel worse. But I would still do it again, a million times over. When I am in a situation like that, I have to try to help. It is compulsive. It would be more stressful for me to try to ignore it. I can’t sit idly by while someone goes through what I have gone through. I have to do what I can to help. It is more than an impulse. It is like a calling.

Whichever way you look at it, I was in a bad state for a while and I am not sure why. Being a big fat diabetic pushing 40, thoughts of cardiovascular issues always arise at times like this, but I keep those thoughts very firmly locked down because if you start thinking about things like that during a panic attack, you will end up in a kind of hell of terror and panic that I would not wish on anybody.

Not even Mitt Romney.

So anyhow, I got myself calmed down, and made a mental note of the experience because it might turn out to be important, but then put it out of my mind and went to bed, and got some Quetiapine enhanced sleep.

And when I woke up around 6 am and went to pee, I decided I was still too damned sleepy to bother going to eat some breakfast and just went back to bed. (I have resumed a bad habit of skipping meals lately, which is never good for someone with diabetes. This time, I chose sleep over food. Maybe that was wrong. )

And when I woke up again at around 10 am, I felt fine. A bit dragged out and drained from intense REM activity sleep, but that is pretty normal for one of these periods where I am catching up on sleep.

But then when I actually got up out of bed to face the day, things started going pretty weird. I got this incredible feeling of tension and stress throughout my entire body, like every muscle in my body has been wound up like a rubber band and I can feel my bones grinding against each other as a result.

I have been in this state before, and it is not fun at all, and I have no idea what causes it. But luckily I know something that helps, and that’s exercise. So a couple of times recently, I have done a rapid burst of 100 reps of my “standing push-ups” where I basically do push-ups against a wall instead of the floor.

It is a good exercise for a fat fuck like me because it does not strain mt weak cardiovascular too much and make me feel ill like normal push-ups would, but still revs the engine and drains tension, and that tension dissipation is vital at these times, otherwise I would go insane from the pressure.

And even as I sit here, I am not out of the woods. I took a big dose of Tylenol Extra to try to quell the aches and pains, and it is helping somewhat, but I still feel weirdly tense and tired at the same time.

So my plan is that when I am done with the blogging here, I will put on some hard rocking music and exercise until the bad feelings go away.

Hey, maybe that is all any of us need in order to be motivated enough to work out : have it be the only treatment for agonizing body wide pain!

Just take one pill a day and you are guaranteed to get into the best shape of your life, or go mad from the pain! It’s the ultimate exercise routine! No willpower needed, no fancy diets, no expensive diet foods, just take one of our patently illegal pills a day and let the brutal fucking agony do the work for you! Or at least, inspire you to do the work for it.

Results guaranteed, or your money back! Or if not exactly your money, then somebody’s money. I mean, once we get the money we just put it in a big pile. It’s not like we keep it in its own special place just in case you want it back, Princess.

I mean, sheesh!

Also, if you want an amount of money equal to what you sent us, just pay separate shipping and handling to send the product back to us, and remember, neither shipping and handling charges are refundable, and ha ha ha no you are never getting your money back at all, dumbass.

OK. Now time to exercise.