I have pockets full of sand from the land of dreams today.

I have been having one of ly sleepy days and it has been fairly arduous, to put it mildly. I am bloody tired and I have been sleeping all day, two things which should never coincide. I have been dreaming like crazy as well, of course, and I have also been sweating like crazy and waking up all fried in the head.

Overall it’s a drag, although I am try not to let it get me down too much. These things happen. And if I really need a cute, I have generic diet cola in the fridge to help burn off the cobwebs.

I finished the second Stencyl tutorial, Crash Course 2, which took a long time because there are a lot of steps and I had to stop a lot to let my brain cool down. Like I said before, it really reminds me of why I did not continue in my programming education. I get serious headaches just from trying to deal with the stuff.

Not the sort of thing that fits into my brain shape easily, I guess. But the sort of thing I am perfectly capable of learning. It’s just not easy for me.

And I have been a spoiled intellectual getting away with only doing that which comes easily to me for far too long. Having academic subjects come easily to you is one heck of a gift. It let me sail through school without even trying very hard.

But by the same token, it is one damned effective shield against having to gain any character. Regular people have no choice but to learn how to overcome obstacles, how to keep trying even when things are difficult and stressful and there is no certainty of success, and thus they learn to have faith in their own ability to triumph no matter what.

If they did not develop this ability, they might never even make it out of school, and thus, it is grow or die. But for the “gifted” like me, we can afford to refuse to do that which is hard for us because we have the main things the school system cares about down cold.

And so we have magnificent minds and no grit at all. The tiniest things are huge obstacles to us because we have never had to learn to overcome adversity.

And boy, have I been good at that. I have successfully avoided all the things that might have forced me to grow up, get over myself, grow a pair, and learn to deal with things.

When it comes to dodging growth, I am the champion. What do I win? Oh right… a Big Loser crown.

Of course, to be fair, it is easy to achieve this lofty goal. All you need is to have no standards, ambition, dignity, shame, or support network.

And then you, too, could find you are pushing forty and have never even had a job or a relationship!

Welcome to the party! Have some cake. It’s… terrible.

Honestly, all I really want to do right now is go back to sleep. But that would be unwise, as I have a BCSFA meeting tonight and sleeping now would be silly.

Of course, I might not go. With how I feel right now, that sounds like a mighty tempting option. Just stay home and sleep, sleep, sleep.

Sleep seems so perfectly lovely when you are as tired as I am right now, like a gentle and all embracing paradise of relaxation and abandon.

Of course, in reality (or at least, my local instance thereof), it is often a strange and confysing dreamscape which leaves me drained and burned out and thoroughly messed up.

But at this point, that is like reminded a starving man that he might get gas from a feast. It’s like warning a junkie that heroin tends to make you vomit. Not only do I not care, I am even sort of looking forward to the side effects.

Anything can look good if it is connected to something you want bad enough.

Oh well, I will be done this writing thing soon enough and then I will decide whether I will go to the BCSFA thing tonight or stay home and catch up on those glorious Zs.

If I decide to stay home, I will be sacrificing my one time guaranteed each month to be in a social situation not containing the same three others that I always hang out with. Plus, I will have to go tell the guys I am not going, and I will have to endure not being in the notes for the meeting when they come out in the next BCSFAzine.

But I would get to sleeeeeep. Precious, lovely sleeeep.

On the other hand, if I decide to go, I will get to spend a pleasant evening with my fellow nerds. I will skip having to tell the guys I am not going and the inevitable feeling that I have let them down. I will be in those notes.

And all it would take is a good 1L of diet cola to put off that whole “sleep” thing for now. I think. Caffeine is not always reliable for me, and sometimes it just makes me sleepier, perversely enough.

Right now, I gotta admit, I am leaning towards the fagging out and skipping the meeting option. I have made it to a bunch of them in a row. That means I am due to skip one… right?

At least, that is what my loser talk instincts are telling me, and they have always been right enough to keep me ‘safe’ so far!

Meh. We will see. Maybe I will go, and maybe I won’t. Either is fine.

What I will not do is drive myself crazy by putting a lot of tension and anxiety into the decision.

It never helps and it always hurts, so fuck that.

I am done with the whipping yourself until morale improves approach.