I am feeling just a little incoherent right now.

Partly that is just my usual brain fog. It’s remarkable how well I think given the kind of shit that goes down in my head all the time. It’s like, I have no life and yet I am remarkably unstable.

These things are probably related. If I had more of a life, I would no doubt use up the excess of energy that leads to me being so damned incoherent and unstable. The storm inside would be robbed of its energy.

The problem is, I have learned to cope with this inner storm not by going out into the world and expressing my energies in a healthy way, but by hunkering down in my tiny little world and waiting for the storm to pass.

But it is never going to pass. Not till I find more ways to let all that energy out. I feel like I want to press myself against the glass that separates me from the world so hard that it squeezes all that energy out of me like juice from an orange, and I can finally find true peace.

My life might seem stress free and peaceful, but that’s only on the outside. Inside it is a nightmare of blood and ice.

But at least I am learning. I am opening up inside. I am activating. Eventually, I will step out into the big bright world in a big way.

But there’s no hurry. My life is decent right now. I have friends, I have toys, I have a very active and intelligent mind, I have loads of talent and potential.

However that all works out for me will be fine. I am through with pressuring myself. That’s my new motto : “no pressure”. None. I am through with all that crazy-making nonsense. Clearly I do not do well under that regime. I just end up building up guilt and self-loathing about all the things I could be doing and/or should be doing, and where does that get me?

Nope, it doesn’t make me a hyper-motivated overachiever like my sister Catherine. I only wish.

Instead, it just makes me avoid the things that activate that guilt and self-loathing…. which just happen to be the very things that would lead to the kind of achievement that would get my out of this damned situation.

So that’s it. The pressure system has been tested and found to be entirely wrong for the job. On a scale of one to ten, it scores a negative eight. Time to switch.

Instead, I will pursue my own happiness and pleasure however they might show up. I keep saying that it is far, far better to do things out of desire than compulsion, which is what pressure tries to be. Pressure, fear, and whatnot are cold, and motivation is hot, so the pressure ends up killing your motivation while pretending to provide it.

So no pressure. Everything’s fine. My life is pretty good. The most important thing in my life right now is to gather as much of the warm and happy side of things into my soul as possible, and that looks a lot like just having fun and seeking pleasure.

But what I am doing is actively seeking the things that will bring me pleasure, happiness, and joy, not only because those things are awesome on their own, but they are the antidote to that big lump of frozen ancient pain deep inside my soul.

If I am to walk through life as a free man, I am going to have to melt that lump and let my waters flow free.

Another reason I might be a little incoherent is that I just watched the first half hour or so of Scott Pilgrim Versus The World and it is quite the trip. I have gotten as far as the fight with the first evil ex boyfriend, who looks a lot like an Indian version of Balki from Perfect Strangers and whom they kept saying was dressed like a pirate, but wasn’t.

Methinks there was a lack of communication with costuming at some point.

I am quite enjoying the movie so far. The attempt to make it like the graphic novel it’s based on are a bit much sometimes. But overall, I am loving it’s extravagant excess of style. It is a live action cartoon, and that is a lot of fun.

And I can’t help but love Michael Cera. I mean, that’s George Michael Bluth! He is just so cute and so funny, how could I possibly resist? I know a lot of people are tired of him and his persona now, but I am not. I always want to give him a hug and tell him everything will be okay.

And I am not alone in this.

Earlier, I watched this profoundly disappointing piece of crap called Dinotasia.

The description on Netflix made it sound like this was going to be a documentary about dinosaurs that used the latest in computer animation to take you to prehistoric times, etc.

And it was narrated by Werner Herzog! I am SO THERE.

But it turns out that it is not a documentary at all, it is a series of vignettes starring relatively realistic dinosaurs (no talking or anything, although one might argue their emotional responses are more mammalian), and let me tell you, the vignettes are uniformly stupid.

There’s two kinds : incredibly sappy and corny, and pathetically infantile attempts at comedy. Neither are informative. Herzog “narrates” only in the sense that every vignette starts with one of his classic impressive sounding yet sort of confusing bits of trademark verbiage.

“Here ve see dat the laws of nature, while never kind, can be zed to be deeply ironic, ant furthermore, undermining de vast sweep uf history iss a deep ant primal need to urinate. ”

I can’t entirely condemn the film because I am clearly not its target audience. It is meant for kids, and I am quite positive that children watching it would be absolutely delighted with it. They would laugh at the humour and be moved by the schmaltz and just love the dickens out of the flick.

It is not the movie’s fault that I was expecting a Walking With Dinosaurs type documentary.

But I need to satisfy my info craving somehow.

Time for some podcasts!