I just realized that I have been testing myself again.

I still feel bad when I “waste” a whole afternoon just playing video games and listening to podcasts. It still makes me feel like I have failed somehow. Like every day is a test, and if I don’t do enough, I flunk it.

It is a hard habit to break. I am still having trouble distinguishing unhappiness from failure. It is clear to me, if I examine my emotions, that spending the afternoon with video games and podcasts is not making me happy. I clearly want to be doing something more, something better. And yet, I feel trapped.

And the thing is, I can’t even claim that I do not know what else to do with my time, because I used to be a lot more active. As recently as six months ago, I was playing music on my synthesizer, making bread with by bread machine, playing games on the Wii, and even making a brand new video every day in addition to my blogging.

So what happened? I think it began with the unwise (and suspiciously self-destructive) that I would not do any videos while I was doing my NaNoWriMo writing. You know, so that I could concentrate more fully on my writing. Yeah right.

That was the beginning of the end, to be honest. The videos have not come back and NaNoWriMo was over 4 months ago. I have no real reason not to go back to making them except that special brand of paralytic laziness that comes with depression. Depression weighs you down and tells you that nothing is ever worth the effort and so the best thing is to simply invest as little effort into life as you can manage.

And this, despite the fact that I know I am happier when I am busy. I usually feel great during NaNoWriMo, when I am writing the 1667 words a day of novel sized fiction. Fiction is the hardest thing to write, but that is a good thing because that means it absorbs the most of my internal energies, leaving nothing behind to fuel my neuroses.

Video editing is also a pretty absorbing task. I generally had to put a lot more effort into the day’s video than the day’s blog entry. Video is this whole language of its own and writing in it can be very intense. It usually took up at least two hours of my afternoons, but it gave me something to do, something with a point to it, something with an output.

And yet, I don’t feel that all my reluctance to return to making them is depressive in basis. I think that I was getting tired of making videos and felt like it was time to move on to something more.

Not that I have the slightest idea what “more” could be. Going from writing to video was an obvious step up in intensity of commitment. I remember thinking that it was time that I moved to a medium that took advantage of more of my assets, namely my charisma and charm. I have a force of personality that I have never really tapped into. I wanted to make use of that.

But what comes after video? Nothing that can be done from my little world, I would imagine. Making YouTube videos is safe because I can do it from within my tiny comfort zone. But the next level, I feel, will not be so easy.

What I need is something more. Something to add to it to rekindle my interest in it and get me excited about making videos again. I need a new, fresh spark of some kind.

I will cogitate and brood over this notion and see what comes of it. Being artistically uninspired is a lot different than simply being lazy, and I think part of my dismantling of my self-destruct machinery is realizing this, and believing it.

Those are very different things, but one is necessary for the other to happen.

So video is out for the short term, until I come up with some crazy wacky idea that sparks my interest again. Another possibility is baking. I like baking, and it is something I can do at home here that would be a great way to invest effort into my own happiness.

After all, I have a huge bag of Splenda and lots of other baking supplies. I could make desserts for myself, and thus make it a highly rewarding activity. Right now, I pay for sugar free this n’ that. I could save myself a lot of money if I just made them myself, plus I would have the satisfaction that comes with making things. So on paper at least, it seems like a no-brainer.

I have even considered turning it into one of my wacky challenges by doing “30 desserts in 30 days”. That way I would cement it as a daily activity, and historically speaking, that has been a big boost to my motivation.

After all, by publicly declaring a challenge like that, you commit yourself to following through, otherwise, at least in mt case, I would feel like I had let people down, including myself.

And I the sort of person who takes commitments and responsibility very seriously. I am very faithful to my word and I strongly believe that if you are responsible for something or someone, you have to do your absolute best, regardless of whether or not acquiring this responsibility was your idea or not.

If you really cannot stand having said responsibility, then it is your responsibility to arrange for someone else to take the burden. Until then, you are stuck with it.

This, in part, explains why I am against abortion. Think about it.

Anyhow, turns out reprogramming your entire psyche is a lot of work. Quelle surprise. I am going to be discovering new bits of bad programming to remove for quite a while, I suspect.

But there is no going back now.

There is only victory, or death.

Seeya tomorrow, folks!
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