Got this very funny list of uniquely Canadian problems off Facebook and I thought it would make a nice change from my usual angst to post some of my reactions to it.

4. When I Travel Abroad, Locals Think I’m American.

I can top that, because I have lived abroad. Technically. I’ve lived in the USA for a cumulative total of around three years, and so I got presumed to be a citizen of the USA a lot. After all, to an American, the differences are very subtle, and Americans just do not do subtle. They do loud.

Of course, to a Canadian, the differences are anything but subtle. To a Canadian, every American comes across like a crazy ranting homeless person wearing a neon green jumpsuit.

But then again, the mouse in bed with the elephant always knows a lot more about the elephant than vice versa.

7. Uses Canadian Spelling… Gets Corrected By U.S. Spell-Checker.

So very THIS. I am constantly adding more Canadian spellings to the Windows default dictionary. I used to think that eventually I would have entered them all and it would stop being a problem. But somehow, there is always more.

And personally, I think the way we spell things like colour is perfectly representative of the rounder vowels we use when pronouncing them. So I stubbornly insist on correcting the computer rather than just using the American spellings.

Of course, the American spellings are still technically correct in Canada.

Why? Because we’re a nation of compromise.

But I will defend our textual sovereignty to the bitter end!

10. Shipping with the US: free. Shipping internationally: 3 BILLION DOLLARS.

Ayup. I learned to accept things like that when I was a kid, because before the Fixed Link, everything became mysteriously more expensive when it crossed the Northumberland Strait on its way to Prince Edward Island.

Same for things you ordered from Away^[1]. First you had to convince them Prince Edward Island exists and they should look up shipping charges for it. Then you found out they added another three bucks just for PEI, presumably for the ferry.

So the fact that crossing the border somehow makes things cost more makes perfect sense to me, or at least, as much sense as anything else.

12. Just Got Netflix… U.S. Selection Is WAY Better.

Oh gods, yes. I have had Netflix for years now, but when I first got it, that was a harsh surprise indeed. I have learned to just filter out what Americans say about what they watched on Netflix recently. Odds are, if it’s something big like a hit TV series or a big budget Hollywood movie, Canadian Netflix either will never have it or will get it a year and a half later than its American counterpart.

There are IP masking services out there specifically designed to allow Canadians to watch American Netflix. I have considered it. But somehow, that seems wrong to me.

I am a proud Canadian, and I refuse to let even my computer pretend to be American, regardless of the potential benefit.

15. Wearing heavy-duty winter boots to school and looking like a hoser all day.

Oh gods yes. I did this for years. One year I even got heavy duty work boots because… because I’m an idiot, apparently. So those not only looked incongruously and hilariously working class on my fat middle class self, they bit into the backs of my ankles because I didn’t know you had to wear heavy socks with them, and they made a lot of noise on the concrete floors of my high school.

Then one day, I saw someone change out of their winter boots and into a pair of sneakers they kept in their locker, and I was like… duh!

24. Fahrenheit is a confusing and impenetrable mystery.

Totally. I lived in the USA for many years without really getting a grip on it, other than a vague sense that anything over 80 is “hot” and anything over 100 was “holy shit it’s fucking hot. ”

Come to think of it, both places I lived in the US, namely Portland, Oregon and Silicon Valley, were places without what I would call “real winter”. So I never learned the other end of the scale.

25. Need to fake an American zip code because there isn’t a postal code box.

Totally been there. I always use 90210. I figure, the worst thing that can happen is that some stupid badly programmed US website thinks I live in Beverly Hills.

If I need an entire American address, I use 1313 Buena Vista Avenue, Anaheim, California, which is the address for Disneyland.

Hey, who wouldn’t want to live in the happiest place on Earth?

26. “And remember class, it must be by a Canadian.”

Never encountered this one, but if I did, I would have not one but two aces up my sleeve in order to avoid all the depressing shit associated with what the Powers That Be consider Canadian literature. ^[2]

One ace : Theodore Sturgeon. Wrote great science fiction, totally Canadian. And he was fairly prolific, so you could use him more than once.

But if your teacher is a cretin who simply will not accept science fiction as a legitimate form of fiction (probably because they are afraid it will require them to know some science), you can always go for Stephen Leacock, who, against all the traditions of Canadian literary humour, is actually funny.

And finally, this one :

27. The air hurts my face. Why am I living where the air hurts my face.

I can’t say I ever asked myself why I live where the air can get so cold that just walking out your front door can make you feel like someone hit you in the face with a brick made of ice, but I have wondered why any of us naked beach apes do.

Then again, other places have shit like hurricanes and tornadoes, and people still live there, so apparently we naked beach apes are a stubborn bunch.

That’s all from me for today, folks. I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.

Oh, and there’s no video link in this blog entry because I haven’t made one yet.

[[2]] I will never forgive them for making me read More Joy In Heaven. NEVER.