I would never in a billion years be bold enough to actually do this, but it’s a nice little fantasy scenario and I thought I would share it with all you nice people tonight.
OK, picture this : In this scenario, I know exactly where a very hot sketch comedy show is produced. It’s exactly the kind of show that I would give the majority of my limbs to work for, and it’s produced here in the GVRD.
First step is that I manage to get my greedy paws on a highly believable UPS outfit, complete with hat. I dress the part, do a little tune up practice to make sure I look comfortable in the part, and then launch my audacious plan.
I show up in UPS mode, give the receptionist my best “friendly harmless guy” smile, and say “I’ve got a deliver for… ” I then look at the package, “the…. writer’s room?”
Once directed there, I leave my lovingly prepared package on the table, and exit. Action now moves to the package.
The writers discover my package the next time they are together. It smells amazingly good, so they open it immediately. Inside they find six delicious home-made cookies (hence the smell) and a cover letter that says “Here’s the scripts you wanted” and it’s signed “MJ” in the jaunty style of someone who signs a lot of things all the time.
Under the cover letter is, of course, six copies of a script comprised of five mind-blowingly hilarious sketches that I have written then honed to a laser-like sharpness that makes the laugh per letter ration bury the needle and then snap it.
The first one, in fact, starts with a bunch of writers eating cookies while reading a script.
Writer 1 : Wow! These are the funniest skits I have ever seen!
Write 2 : I agree! This guy would make a very valuable yet nonthreatening addition to our writing staff!”
Writer 1 : Totally… and with this kind of talent, if we don’t snap him up soon, surely someone else will!
Writer 2 : I hadn’t even thought of that! Quick, we must storm into the producer’s office and demand this amazingly talented and hilarious person immediately, threatening to quit if necessary!
(Writer 1 and Writer 2 exit. )
Writer 3 : I sure hope those guys succeed, because I really love these skits… especially that one that starts…
And that would then segue into my first actual skit.
This would really get their attention, and one or more of them would contact me just to see what kind of ballsy lunatic would attempt a stunt like this. (Obviously, I would put my contact info on the scripts and cover letter. )
when they contact me, say by the phone, I would be ready to wow them with what a cool, funny, hip, easy to get along with guy I am, and they would leave thinking that maybe this guy really would be great to have around.
So one by one, each one thinking they were the only one (because none of them want to admit to the others that this crazy stunt of mine has worked on them), they each contact the producer of their show about me and suggest that maybe he or she should contact me, at least for a laugh.
That is what gets me The Meeting with the producer(s), and I would would introduce myself at said meeting like this :
“Now I know what you are thinking. You’re thinking ‘Who the hell does this smug asshole think he is?’. Well I will tell you who I am. I’m the funniest motherfucker you will ever have security throw out. I’m a hilarious writer, a totally dedicated professional, a charmingly humble self-advocate, and one heck of a nice guy to boot. Your writers have already shown you my work, or I wouldn’t be here, so you know that I’m funny. The little stunt I pulled in order to get your attention proves that I am bold and creative. And your writers already know I can, and will, bake amazingly good cookies and take them to work. And all I am asking for is a seat at the table. Give me a chance, and I will make your show even funnier than it already is. And the best part is, I work cheap. So what do you think? I’ve already given you one heck of a story to tell your friends. Are you ready to give me a job in return?”
They would, of course, be bowled over by my charm, wit, audacity, and baking prowess, and immediately hire me on a long term contact at a handsome salary with lots of neat little perks, like a car and driver.
Even better, word of my crazy stunt ends up on the Internet and I go totally viral, with people wanting interviews with me all over the world, thus both making me famous and instantly demonstrating my worth to my new employer.
All my interviews would make me an instant media darling, and various culture scouts would come sniffing around seeing if there is anything else with my name attached to it that they can sell.
I would vet them scrupulously, of course, because I wouldn’t want to cheapen my brand. But there’s nothing to say that I couldn’t sell them some of my hilarious writings to put into a book, and allow some of my pithier sayings to be put on swag like coffee cups, posters, souvenir maps, and so on.
As my fame grew, it would become obvious that I am not just hilarious and charming, but also blazingly intelligent and insightful, and over the next two decades, I would become a household name, a beloved media figure, and universally lauded as a once-in-a-century talent that has helped the world become a happier, healthier, more humane place through laughter.
Eventually, I use my growing fortune to bankroll a vast, Disney-like media empire, as well as establish dozens of highly influential non-profit groups that grow to touch and improve the lives of all.
And when I die, the world mourns.
Hey, it’s a fantasy…. might as well go all the way!
I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.