Guess what movie I watched today?

You guessed it,,,, Barbie Goes Hawaii!

Seriously though, it was Dredd, the 2012 movie based on the Judge Dredd comics.

And yes, it’s a lot better than the 1995 Judge Dredd movie starring Sylvester Stallone. It would have to be. It says a lot about a movie when Rob Scneider is the best thing in it.

Dredd takes place in a post-apocalyptic world of the nuclear war kind. How out of date is that? Well, technically, they just say that everything outside the mega-cities is “irradiated” desert. Whatever.

In this future, humanity is crowded into mega-cities and forced to live in squalid apartment buildings two hundred stories tall. Crime runs rampant and the only people between the innocent masses and the violent criminals is the Department of Justice and its agents, the Judges. (So it’s also a 1970’s social decay and/or Malthusean apocalypse too. Even MORE dated.)

These Judges are the entire justice system rolled into one person. Cop, lawyer, jury, and judge, and if needed, executioner as well. They have seriously hardcore uniforms, excellent motorcycles, and a super nifty keen gun that shoots different kinds of ammo (like high explosive, armor piercing, and incendiary) and explodes if the wrong person tries to use it.

At the beginning of the movie, the titular Dredd is (surprise, surprise) saddled with a new partner, a petite blonde woman who failed the entrance exam to be a Judge by 3 points. The Department of Justice had decided to make an exception for her, though, because she has psychic powers.

Not kidding about that. She’s telepathic. Which comes in handy for a cop, you know?

Anyhow, that is just the preamble to the actual plot of a movie, which involves a mega-block called the Peach Treets, which is essentially a vertical ghetto. It’s run by a crazy psycho bitch from hell who goes by the name Ma Ma (short for Marian Madrigal), a former sex worker whose pimp carved up her face, so she castrated him with her teeth and killed him, and took over his criminal operations and became known for her penchant for viciousness and brutality.

She’s the best part of the film. All action movies need a good villain and she is top notch. She is a restless snake that oozes malice and a total disregard for human life. I found Leno Headey’s performance really enhanced what could have been a cut and dried action flick with her highly believable villainy.

Don’t know why the made her look like a young Sandra Bernhardt though. Well, maybe I do. (Love you, Sandra!)

The Judges are called to the Peach Trees after a triple homicide is reported, and they take Ma Ma’s right hand man, Kay, prisoner. Kay knows Ma Ma’s secret, that she’s the one behind the latest designer drug, Slo Mo, and so there is no way that she can let the Judges take Kay downtown to beat the truth out of him. So she locks the doors to the Peach Trees and declares that the Judges must die.

So basically, the vast majority of the movie takes place in the Peach Trees as Dredd and the psychic rookie fight to stay alive and, of course, eventually kill Ma Ma, who really really deserves it.

My first observation is that this totally did not need to be a Judge Dredd movie. You could have taken out all the science fiction bits and had this take place in present day, in a present day slum, and almost nothing would have changed.

So it is, more or less, just a straight ahead action film with some cool, gritty science fiction-y highlighting. Nothing wrong with that. Not every movie has to make you think. Some movies just make you say “Whoa!” and “Awesome!” and “Yee-ha, motherfuckers!” and stuff like that.

This Judge Dredd doesn’t have the testosterone menace of a Stallone, but he doesn’t speak like he’s got a mouth full of half-frozen Jello, either.

(Sorry, Sly. I know you were going through some serious physical shit and that movie was hell to make, but just a friendly reminder, the phrase “I am the law” has consonants. )

They wisely chose to make this Dredd more of the cold hard steel hardass kind of hero rather than Captain Steroids. He executes his duties as Judge without prejudice, without hesitation, and without mercy. This actor can fill those Tom of Finland boots.

It’s especially impressive that he conveys all this without us ever seeing his face.

And they keep things brisk without descending into the seizure inducing twitch chaos that so many modern action films contain.

Overall, it was a fun ride. The action scenes were inventive and well conveyed. The plot was thin, but not too thin. It had enough surprises in it to keep me interested. Plus, as seems to be the norm lately, the visual look of the thing was compelling. All through the movie, I was deeply invested in finding out what happened next. I cared about Dredd and the psychic rookie, and wanted them to triumph over the forces of casually sadistic brutality and corruption.

It’s hardly high art and I don’t think anyone with the majority of their brain intact could go away from it with a lot to think about. But it’s a solid action movie with tons of cool gadgets and eye popping slow motion scenes (the drug called Slo-Mo does exactly that to the movie) and other bits of action-y goodness.

So if I was giving out letter grades, this movie would get a solid B minus. It’s not a great movie and there are a few gaping plot holes left just dangling, but I was hooked throughout the flick, and I am all jaded and cynical and ironic and such.

In conclusion, if you are looking for a slightly less than mindless action flick with all the trimmings, I recommend finding Dress on your VOD service and giving it a try. It’s a lot of fun to watch.

I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.