First, last night’s video :

I think I’m really onto something with that accelerated pace. The content is meh but the style might just perk up my talker videos a bunch.

Reminds me of old Walter Winchell, that WWII era Rush Limbaugh. The story goes that he would drink lots of water before each broadcast so that his bladder would be very full when he entered the booth, and of course, he couldn’t go to the bathroom until he was done.

Hence his famous sense of urgency. Story’s probably bullshit, but it’s still amusing.

Feeling pretty sleepy today. Or rather, right now. Odds are that by the time I finish this thing, I will have perked up. But I will give myself the chance for a nap anyhow.

Not sure what I will do for today’s vid. Music, maybe.

I’ve become addicted to listening to podcasts while playing Picross. It gets me in “the zone” so nicely. You know, that awesome mental space where you are fully occupied and hence too absorbed to be self-conscious or distracted. It’s a rare thing for me, as I have a lot of consciousness to occupy. But this combo seems to work nicely, at least for now.

Part of me is still restless, though. And that’s a good thing. I will encourage this feeling of wanting more. Restlessness is the opposite of false contentment, and I need as much of that as I can get my metaphorical hands on.

It’s a false sense of being content because that emotion is supposed to come from everything being okay, not from fooling yourself into pretending everything is okay by shutting out the entire universe except for the few things which are purely mental enough to be acceptable.

I have been stewing in my own juices because of this wretched contentment for my entire fucking adult life, and it’s left me miserable and deeply pent up. I got stuck at the threshold to psychological adolescence and it will take a lot of restless energy to get this wagon train moving again.

I have a lot of ego development to do, and not a huge amount of time to do it in. Not if I want to build a life while I am still alive and my diseases haven’t caught up to me yet.

Which brings me back to that question of how to be a teenager thirty years too late. As this process of resurrection continues, I can feel an urge to cop a major fucking attitude growing in me. To wit :

The world can go fuck itself. I am me, and that’s it. If you don’t like it, that’s too fucking bad. The world is going to make room for me even if I have to shoulder the crowd aside to make a space for myself. I will bash through the walls around me (they’re only gyp-rock and cheap lumber anyhow) with a sledgehammer made of solidified rage, backed by all the things I am supposed to have by now but don’t.

I deserved a better childhood. I deserved to have a family that accepted me warmly and made me feel included in everything. I deserved to be trusted with responsibility long enough to learned how to do it right, instead of having things snatched from my hands the moment I screwed up. I deserved to be treated with respect, and to have my needs valued and met, instead of devalued and ignored. I deserved to be treated like part of the family, and not like an unwelcome house guest, or a pet that they bought when it was cute but now it’s full grown and they’ve grown tired of it.

Maybe they should have just put me in a shelter and be done with me. Or had me put down.

I also deserved a school system that actually stood up for the safety of its students, instead of sitting idly by while I was tormented, beaten, bullied, and abused on a routine basis. I deserved teachers willing to lay down the law and punish the people who bullied me. I deserved a school system that could handle me, complexities and all. It’s not my fault that I was born the way I am, brain the size of a planet and full of contradiction. I deserved a school system that actually kept me challenged instead of just leaving me bored. One that engaged me instead of alienating me.

I deserved a school system that could handle me. I was just a kid. I couldn’t do these things for myself.

I deserved parents who were there for me when I needed them. Who would listen to me when I had something to say. Parents who encouraged me to speak up for myself, instead of acting like they were surprised I was still around when I tried to bring up the bullying or anything else I might need. I deserved parents that treated me with equal love and care as my three siblings, instead of neglecting me to the point of not even getting me braces when the dentist told them, very clearly, that I needed them bad.

My two sisters got braces when they needed them. But not me.

I deserved parents who were willing to make sacrifices for me, rather than of me. Sacrifices of their time, their energy, their money, their comfort. It should have never been exclusively my job to fit myself into their world in the hopes of getting even a tiny glimmer of attention.

I deserved a society that could figure out that I was very sick when I was a kid. I was depressed even back then, and not mentally stable at all, and I desperately needed help. It was up to all the adults in my life to see this and help me. I certainl couldn’t do it myself.

I was just a kid!

I deserved all this and probably a lot more when I was a kid.

The question is, what do I deserve now?

I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.