Feeling sort of crappy lately. Dunno why.

Could be some sort of bug I am fighting. If so…go white blood cells go! I can deal with a little malaise if it means I don’t get sick for reals. Feeling vaguely icky is preferable to feeling definitively terrible every single time.

Could be some sort of apnea issue too. I have been using my CPAP fairly faithfully, but that doesn’t necessarily get the job done in total and, well, I still find it impossible to put the thing back on when I have taken it off to go pee.

And I get the feeling that this is the sort of thing I really shouldn’t be half-assing like this. Sigh. Still working on getting at least somewhat good at taking care of myself instead of spending so much time figuratively (and literally) jerking off and doing nothing.

And part of that, I guess, is learning that I am still mentally ill and there is only so much you can do while riding those long and complicated mood waves. It’s hard to cope when you never know what kind of personal/objective reality blend you will wake up in. Mental instability is about a lot more things than merely being unpredictable to others.

I’m not predictable to myself, either. Or at the very least, I don’t know what I will have to go through just to keep up a thin facade of normalcy. There are days when it feels like I am trying to defuse a bomb while blind drink and suffering from the flu, and other days when it take no effort at all.

I would like a lot more of the latter, please.

It might also be a skin thing, that is, I think I have clogged pores. These are chronic to me and my mother. She is smart enough to have a rigorous skin care routine in order to keep hers open and working. Me, I am the stumbling fool who tries to get by with showing three times a week.

And it’s not enough. Not once the weather starts warming up, anyhow.

Which brings up another possibility : I might be dehydrated. That will make anyone feel crappy. Your body need a lot of water to function, especially our eliminatory system. Without enough water, waste doesn’t pass in either form and your body needs to get rid of that shit for a reason.

The reason is that it is toxic. We human beings are the most omnivorous creatures on earth (besides goats) and that means we have an amazing digestive system that can extract nutrition from a wide variety of organic materials. But said digestive system can’t digest everything, and what it doesn’t has to go.

This is why I am not totally skeptical when people talk about ridding their bodies of “toxins”. Granted, a lot of those people are probably substituting these mysterious toxins for something else they want to eliminate from their lives. And there is the fact that purging one’s system creates a giddy, light feeling that can be quite addictive, even though it is not so much about being toxin free and more about the endorphin high from all those purgative muscle spasms.

As someone who has been subject to involuntary purging from my IBS, I can tell you from experience that said high is freaking amazing. Almost worth it, really.

But I still think there is a core truth to the concept of eliminating toxins. It is, of course, what our eliminatory system is there for, and there is no guarantee that it can handle all the invented substances we come in contact with constantly and have not had nearly enough time to evolve a defense for.

Yeah I ended on a preposition. So what?

I would be very interested in a forensic study of the subject. How much of the tissue of a cadaver is human tissue and how much is other stuff that doesn’t belong there? Stuff out systems can’t handle at all, so it just ends up stuck somewhere, maybe with tissue building up around it to isolate it from the rest of the system.

Great, now I feel all dirty and toxic.

What else. The words are coming a little slow today. I honestly could use some more sleep.

Oh, right. Yesterday was technically my Friday. I don’t normally have classes on Thursdays, and I don’t have them on Good Friday or Easter Monday either, so I have no classes until next Tuesday. Meaning I have almost a full week off.

I am not worried about being bored or depressed, though. I have a ton of final-assignment type stuff to do. So I will be happily busy for much of the time as long as I can jump-start my lazy buttocks and get started on stuff instead of just vegetating out and ignoring reality like I normally do.

Odds are good of that. Despite my general malaise, I feel ambitious and ready to take shit on lately. So hopefully, I will be in this part of my long and complicated mood cycle long enough to attack and conquer five or so final projects of varying degrees of difficulty and research (shuddder).

I think I am at a point on my life where I have growing confidence in the things I am good at, and that makes it a lot easier to accept the things I am not good at or have no interest in. Or both. And that means that I am cool with saying that I don’t care that Linguistics is not for me, and that while I have enjoyed my history courses, I don’t really care if I do more of them either.

I want more of the things I am interested in and less of the stuff I am not. I want to find some kind of intensive writing program.

Speaking of which, I called VFS today, and well, upshot is that I have emailed Patrick, my advisor from before, telling him that I want to re-apply ’cause I got mad recent educational experience now. I can’t just log in to their website and re-apply because their system is apparently amazingly badly designed by someone who couldn’t imagine the idea of someone applying more than once and so there is literally no way to do that. You apply once, that’s your application forever, and if anything changes (like your phone #, address, and the FACT YOU ARE APPLYING AGAIN), Patrick has to enter it manually.

That is freaking ludicrous.

Oh well, the important thing is that they let me in finally!

I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.