Today, I’m going to tackle a subject I have tackled many times before : manipulation.

There have been many times in my life where I have looked back at things I have said and done with a strange kind of double vision, because while I know for a fact that I had no conscious desire to manipulate people into doing what I want them to do, everything I said and did was exactly what a person who was trying to manipulate people would have done.

This can only mean one existentially confusing thing : I manipulate people by instinct.

It requires no conscious thought, no planning, no intention. Some part of my brain that lies below the conscious mind takes care of all of that, and so to my subjective experience, it seems like all I do is sort of stumble into things. I do and say what makes sense to me at the time, and only after do I realize that I had an agenda all along, just not a conscious one.

This mental duplicity is a hell of a thing to try to wrap one’s conscious mind around. I certainly can’t go through life constantly questioning my own motives all the time. My psyche would collapse under the weight of its own neurosis. And it is not like I am trying to be completely selfless. That kind of selflessness (where you always put the needs of others before your own) is a myth, and a dangerous one at that.

So I am not trying to convince myself or the world that I have no selfish motives. I have plenty. So does everyone else. And we all pursue them.

The difference is between pursuing your own needs in a way that is considered morally acceptable as oppose to being “manipulative”. And for me, that’s a very fine line indeed.

The thing is, I have unusual power in this arena because I understand people. I get them. Between my empathic sensitivity and my high powered analytical mind, I can figure people out on a level that most people would find frightening or creepy if they knew and understood it. And because of this highly detailed understanding of people, I am perfectly capable of manipulating them.

In a sense, it’s like people have buttons on them like vending machines, and I can push those buttons.

This alone means I operate on a different level than most people. Throw in some of the other ways I grasp things in a way others do not, and you come to realize that being a responsible person who stays within the rules of what is acceptable action towards one goals is a very tricky proposition for someone like me.

Like the Crooked Giant, I can’t play by the same rules as everyone else. I can’t say “Well I am just pursuing my own interests, just like everyone else!” and act like that makes it all okay. If I did, I would be one creepy, pushy, manipulative dude, and deep down I would know I was full of shit.

The thing is, though, that it’s very hard for me to see where the line is. I have to go by instinct, and as we discussed in the beginning of this piece, instinct can be corrupted. I have a sense of how far would be too far, but most of the time, I feel like I am dancing on the rim of a teacup.

If I could define the line between self-advocacy and manipulation consciously, I would stand a better chance of being able to stay within it without having to constantly monitor myself. But how far is too far? how do you know the difference between influencing people and manipulating them?

How does one wield my sort of power responsibly? Do I proceed with extreme caution at all times? Do I simply declare that all is fair and trust that I will use my powers for good? Do I abandon all restraint and go for the gusto. come what may to people unlucky enough to be in my way? Am I imagining myself to be more powerful than I really am?

I don’t think so. The things that go through my head, the possibilities that I perceive by must reject, convince me that I bear a greater responsibility than most other people in this regard. Maybe I am just making up excuses to remain timid, I don’t know.

But it’s what I have to work with, at least for now.

I suppose all I can do, when it comes down to it, is just be myself and have faith in myself as a good person with good intentions, and free myself from these mental convolutions. We neurotic intellectual types often end up lost in mazes of our own creation, and past a certain point, you just have to say “Fuck it” and get on with life.

Easier said than done. I get the feeling that such a shift in attitude can only happen via very tiny increments over a long period of time with me. I still “lead with my head” in most situations. I am so out of touch with my true emotional self, the one that exists independent of all that mental machinery, that the concept of following my heart is a total nonstarter.

You have to be able to hear it before you can follow it. I’m not even sure where mine is. I know it’s there because I feel things. But those emotions could be coming from the Planet Venus as far as I can tell. And when I contemplate looking directly into my own soul, without the many mirrors of analysis to protect me, I feel scared and uneasy and even a little nauseous.

In other words, I feel like I usually do when I am confronting one of my major psychological issues. I don’t know what I am afraid of. That I will not like what I see? That I will learn horrible truths about myself? That I will look deep into myself and find…. nothing at all?

Whatever the case, it seems like a thing worth doing (everything that disturbing is) and so I will ponder it anon.

In the meantime, I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.