Feeling like utter crap lately and it’s not hard to figure out why.

The most obvious reason is the fucking election. I won’t go all into it like I did yesterday, but suffice it to say that the prospect of four long years of a Harper majority leaves me filled with dread about Canada’s future as a kind and decent place to live. I am terrified for the future of my beloved nation, as I beleive Harper to truly have bilious contempt for much of what Canadians hold dear about our nation and even those who voted for him in droves will soon come to regret it. He is our enemy and we have made him King.

Another factor in my feeling very bad, mood wise, is the usual spectre of money. Living on $8000 a year just plain sucks, and it’s increasingly clear to me that a lack of funds is a large contributing factor to my depression. It’s not as bad as it could be, but it still leaves me worrying about money all the time and feeling crummy and low and like I can’t truly have any fun or get anywhere in life. Just having to carefully weigh all possible purchases and knowing how much I want that I just plain can’t ever have is a terrible weight on the soul. And it just seems lately like I am always running out of money before the end of the month and I simply cannot live with that kind of financial instability. I need security in order to be happy and I have precious little of it. My lack of finances and my constant worry about it makes me feel small and patghetic and weak and boxed in and bereft.

And I just can’t afford my current sad little lifestyle any more. How depressing is that? My friends and I have a little circuit of three different restaurants that we have dinner out at three times a week, and that, plus my little routine of having some pop and junk food to go with my nightly popcorn habit, has become too damned expensive to maintain lately. My rent has gone up, and I am playing Joe back to the extermination of the bedbugs, and so my tiny window of flexibility has closed and I am squeezed out.

I have been partly bailed out by things like GST cheques lately, but that will end, and what makes it all worse is that I only recently figured out that this is one of those magical, wonderful five week months, where I have to make the same amount of money cover five weeks instead of four.

See, when you’re a worthless drain on society like me, your monthly check is always on the same day, the fourth Wednesday of the month, every month. Sounds fair, right? But such is the nature of the calendar that sometimes, those two fourth Wednesdays are actually five weeks apart instead of four. Fun, hey?

I have no idea how I am going to make it. Well, that’s not true. I have some idea. I just have to summon up the nerve and willpower to either skip one of these three dinners, or go but only have a drink. It will be very hard, because I have a strong urge to do what others are doing and a complementary fear and loathing of sticking out in a group by being the one who says “oh, no thanks!”, and that makes it very hard for me to resist having a meal just like the others, especially when it’s something I want to do as well.

Eating out makes me feel more human and normal and less poor and freaky. It’s probably not the smartest investment of my money, but it really does help. It relieves a key amount of pressure from my tortured cranium and makes me feel less trapped and freakish and miserable. It also, vitally, gives me something to look forward to all the time, and I cannot over-stress how vital that is for maintaining mood.

All this crap has put me in the Bad Place, where I keep thinking about how absolutely pathetic I am, how much my life sucks, and how little I have done with it, and how little I deserve to keep taking up space in the world. I really, really hate myself sometimes, and this is one of those times.

Lately, I just wanna scream and throw myself out a window.

So that’s me. How you doin’?