Damn that’s a good title.

Ahem. What I am going to talk about tonight is what I am been through today and what it says about depression in general and mine in particular.

See, I had big plans for today. I was not only going to tackle the homework I was given to make up for the fact that I missed most of a class on Monday (looking at the wrong schedule do’oh) but rip into my third rewrite of the pilot and second episode of Sam.

And maybe that was the beginning of the problem. I should not make big ambitious plans like that. Sure, it seems like a good idea when I am in a good mood and feel full of energy and enthusiasm, but then the worm turns and suddenly it’s not plans, it’s pressure.

And I am pressure-averse. At least when it’s me applying the pressure. With external pressures, it’s a coin toss. I either suffer the same effect, or the pressure helps me focus and drive towards that goal quite happily.

I am working to improve that average.  I can only hope I learn to deal with the pressures in the workplace or I am already sunk.

But I am not too worried. I have a way of simply ignoring pressure. There is little to be gained by letting it in. Remember, the game’s the same no matter what the stakes are. You have the same odds of winning if you bet a dollar or a fortune.

So all that matters is the task at hand. Treat it like you’re doing it for fun. Practice a seeming indifference to the result. You might seem to be taking things too lightly or even like you don’t give a shit at all, but remember : only the results matter.

Some things are far too important to be taken seriously. At least by some of us.

And I am trying to consistently break in the direction of what I know to be the healthier option. Like harnessing my anxiety and turning it into enthusiasm.

I am a naturally enthusiastic person. When I am able to let my emotions flow, I get great tsunami-like surges of enthusiasm, and it’s those that I want to harness. There is a great deal of energy in those surges.

But unless I tap it quickly, it’s gone. And while the waters recede, I experience the opposite of enthusiasm – depression. I just want to hide.

Anyhow. Back to the topic.

The distance I talk about in the title is the unseen distance a depressed person needs to travel just to do something that for others is no distance at all.

The things aren’t even separate.

My journey began when I woke up this morning. It was during that period between waking and sleep where you struggling to wake up that I felt it.

I felt, very clearly, my plans for today turning from a positive to a negative. It was like a deep and horrible chill, like my blood running cold. It was a terrible feeling.

And that’s when I had to begin the depressing but inevitable bargaining down that you have to do when you are depressed. You start off wanting to do A, B. and C, and then it’s A and B and C if there’s time,  and then it’s A and a good start on B and fuck C, and by the end of it, you are down to maybe doing some of A now and finishing it later if you can.

And even getting to that first part of A takes such an enormous effort that it’s like trying to run with a heavy weight on your back. And nobody can see this burden but you.

That’s the distance of which I speak. The distance you have to drag yourself just to get to low functioning normal. I feel like I covered a lot of ground today and yet I got very little done. It was all inside my head.

This journey was, admittedly, accentuated by a bowel issue. Mainly, suddenly going from normal to “OMG I AM SO FULL OF POO” in like half a second.

Subjectively speaking, that is. Obviously this had been building for quite some time. And it really makes me wonder what is up. How could it have gotten that bad without me noticing until it was at a freaking crisis point of epic proportions.

Like, it took taking a dump four times, with short rests in between, before I felt empty and done at all. It made me wonder where I was keeping it all.

As experiences go, it was… intense. Tiring too. Not painful, although there was a fair bit of discomfort. But nothing I would classify as pain.

And that took like, three hours of my afternoon, and left me feeling drained and worn down. The bowels are enormous muscles and when they have a lot of work to do, that can be was exhausting  Take my word for it.

Still, the main thing today was how hard it was to get myself to do even the much easier part of today’s homework. I still have the hard part to look forward to later tonight.

And it’s note like it is super hard work. It’s just reading a schoolmate’s work and making notes. But my bad emotional state makes it seem huge.

But I am improving. The med increase makes that easier. I feel like I have been sick today but I will be well tomorrow.

And I will seriously review what steps brought me to where I was earlier today. I was in a pretty good mood Monday, despite the cock-up on the scheduling front. What happened?

I know I made the mistake of hanging about naked. That is never a good idea. It keeps me in the grew fog of morning. Getting dressed is the signal to my body that it is time to get up and get going already.

And I might have skin issues. I have been showering but I might need more than that. my skin feels oily and weird. I might need to take a long hot bath.

And of course, there is my IBS.

And the fact that I am, clinically speaking, insane.

All in all, it’s a hard knock life for me.

But maybe not for much longer!

I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.,