Normally I would put a comma in a phrase like that, but it seemed wrong when I did it, so I took it out.

Score one for intuition.

As you all (hopefully) know, I am about to graduate from good ol’ VFS and go out into the world of entertainment looking for a job.

I was pondering doing something about that today, but a number of factor intervened :

1.  I had one of my “sleepy days’ and no handy source of caffeine to counteract it, so I spent a lot of today asleep and/or utterly befuddled by bad sleep
2. I also had an errand to run, namely cashing the GST cheque that I got last week but had been too lazy to go and cash until I was almost out of money
3. The thought of doing it – really, really doing it – filled me with fear and dread.

And it’s Factor Three that I am going to attempt to talk about today.

This fear that I felt is very familiar to me. It is the social phobic’s deep animal fear of exposure . Because of my traumatic childhood, I have a deeply ingrained fear of being noticed. I only feel safe when I am hidden.

You will recognize this as the complementary opposite of my deep desire to be noticed.  Logically speaking, those should be mutually exclusive, but a more nuanced understanding of human nature expands the syllogism to something like this :

1. Fear of exposure causes me to isolate myself
2. Said isolation makes me very lonely and in need of validation
3. This, in turn, makes me want to be noticed

This defines one of the must fundamental conflicts in my psychology. It might be the one that defines the rest. I want so much to get connection, validation, be part of the community, and so forth, but I have this giant boulder of fear of that result weighing me down to the point of immobility.

Or at least that’s how it has been until now.

And I am glad I have made this realization because now I have a target I can fight. This is the fear that has prevented me from sending any my my writing anywhere, the one that keeps me isolated and alone, and terribly, terribly lonely,  the one that tries to utterly shatter me if I break its harsh and inhuman rules.

It is the One Fear To Rule Them All, and I am going to destroy it utterly.

Now that this fear is fully exposed to my conscious mind, it doesn’t stand a chance. It’s the prime fear that has ruined my life and stolen two fucking decades of my adult life from me, and I will never stop attacking it until it crumbles into dust.

And I know it will not be an easy fight. I have been dominated by this fear for a very long time and it will take many battles before it is overcome.

And I know I will lose some of those battles. But that doesn’t matter. What matters is the war, not the battles. I will be relentless in my pursuit of this enemy’s total destruction because when I feel myself falter, I will draw from my primal rage and the utter loathing I have for this part of me, and I shall charge back into the fight.

There is a world of opportunities out there for someone with my gifts. I am a pretty amazing person and it’s time the world knew it. I do not know which road will lead me to what I seek, but that doesn’t matter either.

What matters is that I will never stop looking.

So right now, I am gearing up for the first big battle, which will take place either Friday night or Saturday afternoon. It’s going to be a lulu of a fight because it will be the one where I cross the threshold and challenge the fear for dominance. I am quite likely to end up in an emotionally confused and upset state many, many times. The fear is sure to resort to chaos and confusion when it can’t dominate me .by brute force. There will be times when I will have no idea what is going on.

But knowing this, I will simply relax my mind and wait for the chaos level to drop and let me think again. I might have to reconstruct what I am doing via deduction, but I have done that millions of times in my life, so I am used to it.

In fact, the very size of my opponent is inspiring to me. It stimulates me in a “the greater the glory” kind of way. I have long suppressed my combative nature because I had never found a non-destructive outlet for it, and it only seemed to get me into trouble.

Those who knew me in my twenties can attest to this.

But there is a part of me that needs to fight. I need challenges, opponents, a chance to accrue glory, and most of all, monsters strong enough so that I don’t have to hold back.

That’s what makes the idea of taking on a massive opponent so appealing to me. Where others might see a terrifying and insurmountable opponent, I see an opponent I feel free to hit as hard as I can.

Even a very gentle and civilized giant like myself wishes he could let loose now and then without having to worry about hurting all those Lilliputians down there.

I have spoken before about the lack of opposition I have had in my life. Being strong-willed, stubborn, and brilliant can do that to you.  I have never met someone who is better at arguing than I am. Nobody I could learn from. Nobody to push back

But maybe I have been looking at it all wrong. Maybe the superior opponent I seek is not a person but a problem. A big one that I can truly sink my teeth into, and fight as hard as I can because the problem is so huge and the cause so just that it justifies unrestrained force, even from me.

Maybe that opponent is “getting work in the local entertainment biz”. But first, I have to defeat the One Fear.

Maybe this is literally the fight of a lifetime.

Maybe this is where I learn to win

I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.

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