It’s official. I am a graduate of the Writing for Movies and Television program of the Vancouver Film School.

Not only that, but my particular class, Class 52, is by all accounts a truly amazing and wonderful group. All the professors who presented mentioned it. Some even said we were their favorite class ever, and some of them have been teaching for 15 years or more.

This was not exactly news to me today because a few teachers have mentioned it before now. I remember that when I first (over)heard it back at the end of Term 3, I thought the teacher must be joking, because there was nothing special about us.

But I totally see it now. We’re a very cohesive group, with genuine love for one another, and none of us are assholes.

Let me repeat that : none of us are assholes. Do you know how improbable that is, both in the world in general and the arts in particular? Especially in writing, a field which attracts intensely neurotic people with tons of interpersonal issues?

And I think it has to do with our vibe. Somehow, we built this vibe of mutual support almost right away and it only deepened over time. It didn’t seem special to me at first because it was the water I was swimming in, but looking at it now, it’s amazing how little drama we had. From what I have heard about other classes, that’s extremely rare. But for us, it seemed perfectly natural.

I like to think I played a small part in that. I have been known to make things gentler and groovier by being around. Seems odd for a person with so much pain inside to be so soothing, but maybe those things go together more than one would think.

I have been hurt by ungentle people. And that made me determined to be gentle. Besides, I thrive on positive vibes. Peace, love, and harmony, man. Like many a Taurus before me, in  my perfect life I would be relaxed, gentle, loving, and giving all the time, without ever having to do anything harsh, ugly, or discordant.

Life is rarely that kind, and so we have to move into other modes. But blue skies over endless sun-soaked green meadows full of love sounds very good to me.

That would include sex, of course. A paradise without fucking is no paradise to me.

God I’m horny lonely.

.Looking back on my time at VFS, I have some regrets. I wish I had figured out that I needed a higher dose of Paxil in order to do do complex mental activities like thinking and remembering stuff. If I had been on the right dose of Paxil for the whole time, I would have not been flakey at all and I would have relished getting shit done, on time and damn well.

More importantly,. I would have socially integrated at a much deeper level. I am certain of it. Depression acts like a wall between me and the world and when I was undermedicated, that wall was very, very thick.

 

It’s like I wasn’t really there. I look back at the time before my dosage increase and it repulses me. I feel so much better now. More awake, more focused, more aware of my surroundings, more mentally present. And far less isolated.

So part of me wants a do-over. I would do so much better on the social side of things (and the academic side). I totally have the kind of energy and focus to join my classmates on at least some of their social type outings. And I am finally put together enough to start worrying about my appearance and its effect on others.

I can thank my former teacher Kat for a little push in that direction.

When I was not in my right mind (in other words, my life until about a month ago), I was trapped in my lonely frozen cell on my tiny frozen planet far from the Sun. I seemed superficially to be present at things, but mentally and especially emotionally, I wasn’t there at all. I was trapped within walls of fear and confusion, and it was all I could do to keep my head in the game enough to make it through school.

I know from hellish experience that if that wall gets really thick, I start losing touch with reality altogether. Nothing seems real, not even the people. Its hard to believe that anything solid and warm and real can even exist.

That’s why I want to put a big sign on my wall that says THE WORLD IS REAL.

It would help me center myself when I am feeling very unstable.

Well, no matter how frozen I have been, I am thawing out and waking up now. In a way, it actually seems appropriate. Like I was asleep for 11 months but now I am waking up, reborn unto the world in a new form.

Maybe I have the power of transformation after all.

So, ya know, I got nothing big planned for the weekend, just a focused and concentrated effort to reforge myself into a whole new state of being.

There will probably be snacks.

I am ready for it. Not only am I on the right dose at last, but the days have become sunnier (finally) and that is making me feel so much better about the world.

Mental note : figure out of I have Seasonal Effective Disorder before fall. Sunny days make me way happier. It’s a real possibility.

My future looks bright. I am going to shop my pilot around to all the local animation studios that do kid’s stuff (in other words, all of them) plus I plan on trying to pitch the show directly to YTV.

And what the hell, Netflix too. They are producing a lot of kids’ shows these days.

Who knows, I might just get to make the damned thing some day.

And I know in both my mind and my heart that I could do a lot of good for a lot of nerdy kids (and their parents) with my show.

I want to make good television.

I want to do good via television.

I want to be good television.

And I am going to do it even if I have to invent the whole damned thing.

I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.