Yes, we’re back on that subject again. And once more, right after therapy.

I brought it up in therapy because I felt I needed some extra help processing the whole thing, and well, that’s a big part of what therapy is for, in my never all that humble opinion. Getting help with the processing.

I talked about how I feel like truly embracing my mental power would pull me even further away from others into this airlessly intellectual inner aerie where I would finally go completely insane from lack of human connection.

Perhaps I cling so hard to my delusions of minor normalcy for precisely that reason.

That, and the fact that the alternatives do not appeal to me. When I try to imagine actually thinking of myself as massively intelligent and way smarter than the average person, the best case scenario I can think of is to take a lovingly and gently paternalistic attitude towards my fellow human beings.

Look at them like a parent looks at a child, with great love coupled by the knowledge that they are weaker and more fragile than I am, and I must protect them and treat them gently or they might get hurt.

That’s the best case scenario. Other scenarios include declaring that I am going to do as giants do and the pygmies can take  care of themselves. I’d be like an intellectual Godzilla, massive in power and size, and my atomic breath would be my razor sharp wit and deadly sarcasm.

Or I could embrace misanthropy, like so many others in my situation. Declare that the continuing stupidity of humanity make them unfit for my help, and pointedly withdraw from any humanitarian efforts, and spend my time concentrating on makiing my own life as pleasant and pain free as possible.

But even the crustiest of curmudgeons needs some way to connect with their fellow human beings. It’s a basic need, like food, and being an angry fussy eater does not exempt your from your need for nutrition.

Oh, and of course, going full supervillain crazy is always an option too, with delusions of grandeur and madly manic periods where I feel like I am the smartest person there will ever be and it’s my destiny to be the one and only true saviour of humanity who will drag them kicking and screaming into a new enlightened age.

In other words, conquer the world and remake it in my image because that’s the only way to make sure things are done right.

Anyhow. I guess I am still looking for that way to integrate my knowledge of my intellectual prowess into my self-image. How to be both smart and happy, more or less.

What really scares me is the contempt. I feel like if I was to embrace the true scope and might of my intellect, I would view most of the rest of the human race with sneering contempt at what a bunch of drooling zombies they all are.

I don’t want to go there. But it flows from the big brain and ego thing. It’s very hard to look down at people from Olympian heights without… well, looking down on them.

Which touches on another issue : how to have a big brain without getting a swelled head. The ego thing. I can’t imagine having a big powerful brain that puts me way above most other people (family and friends excluded) without coming to the conclusion that I am goddamned amazing and people should be glad when I so much as pay attention to them because I have such enormous thoughts to think.

In this, I am very human. Our sense of social hierarchy is so strong that we can’t imagine being far more powerful than others without concluding that this means we are the alpha of alphas, the capo de capo, the biggest dog in the doghouse.

And that, in turn, has a tendency to turn people into assholes.

Power corrupts, after all.

All of this would not be a problem if I was better at connecting with others. Said connection would help keep me grounded in the real world so that I don’t float off into the sky to be lost forever.

I’ve had nightmares like that.

But sadly, I am not so well moored. And I don’t know how to fix that. I know what would do it – finding a milieu in which I feel totally comfortable and accepted and relaxed – but I don’t know if such a place even exists.

And if it does, I have this uncomfortable feeling that it would involve me being in charge of everything and it all revolving around my needs.

Doesn’t get much more oral retentive than that.

But no, I suppose it could be a position of harmonious equality as long as I felt values and respected and included there.

And that, of course, has a hell of a lot more to do with me and my issues than any kind of external factor.

I have so much pain, fear, mistrust, and latent rage that comes between me and others. The simplest of social situations sets off a hyperdimensional vortex of emotions and issues in my mind, leaving me numb , confused, and weak for reasons utterly opaque to those of you living outside my head.

And that’s most of you.

Under those circumstances, it is impossible for me to be emotionally open. Picking up on nonverbal social cues is also very difficult. Too much of my mind is preoccupied with managing and suppressing my inner fireworks for me to do anything but rather limply try to keep up with the conversation.

And if I am in a room full of young people, I can’t even do that.

The textbook thing for people like me in such circumstance is to declare most people to be idiots and thus unworthy of your attention.

In other words, sour grapes.

But I can’t do that. I am too honest with myself to externalize my issues onto others when I know damned well that it’s me that is different, not them.

And yet. I can’t imagine embracing my intellect without ending up there.

Guess I’m just not smart enough to figure it out.

I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.