That’s roughly as gay as it gets.

All my life, I havbe been struggling day and night to stay sane despite the growling stomach of the ever-hungry maw of the mouth of madness. I have felt like I was going crazy so mayh times, and yet somehow I always managed to keep it together and not go full on looney tunes crazy.

But now I wonder why.

I mean, what’s the big deal? It’s not like holding on to my supposed sanity this way has led to wonderful outcomes for me. That pit of psychosis never gives up and goes away. The howling yawning chaos screaming through my soul like the voice of a thousand anguished demons never stops. I never find that warm safe cabin I long for as I wander the tundra naked and alone.

I just… maintain. And by maintaining, making sure nothing ever changes and progress is never truly made – merely simulated.

Does it really matter how brilliant or talented I am if a decade from now I am in the exact same position I have been in for my entire adult life? Still living a life devoted to the consumption (and to a lesser extent,. production) of media? A life where I bury myself in my distractions to the point where it makes my life qorse and that just makes me shut out reality even more?

There’s got to be more in this world for me than that.

But I have all this fear inside me that keeps me from reaching outside my tiny safety bubble to grasp at something more.

And this fear has no name. It is not fear of any particular thing. It’s more like I have all this junk inside me that gets in the way and stops me cold when I try to enlarge my comfort zone to possibly even include an actual job.

Or a boyfriend.

With a job.

When I try to imagine those things happening to me, I feel this icicle of fear stab me in the heart and I get the distinct feeling that something vital is clogged, pinched, broken, disconnected,. has a dirty connection, or leaks.

Because I can feel a part of me trying to come to life and make it back into the core personality but it shorts out or blows a fuse almost immediately.

It’s like a computer with too small a power supply.

And until I solve that issue, nothing is going to change. I will be the exact same person living the exact same futile life and occupying myself in the exact same way ten years or more from now.

If I should live so long.

I’m not a healthy person. I do a poor job of looking after myself,. probably because nobody was looking after me when I was little and so I had no real world people modeling the right behaviours and emotional reponse patterns for me

And a deep down part of me will always rthink that I am simply not worth the effort.

Fading out, will be back later.

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I have been using horizontal lines (per the HTML tag) for a long time now in order to denote a fast-forwarding of time. But I had a horrible realization recently.

You folks have not been seeing them. They show up fine in the editor I use to write these dang things but not in the finaly product, and that leaves these weird gaps in my blog entries, and that pisses me off.

So I have reverted to the typographical method of drawing said line. That ought to do the trick. If it doesn’t, I will have no choice but to declare conspiracy.

Speaking of which, I’ve been brooding over my loathing for what I call “conspiracy thinking” but shoiuld probably be called something like “using the tools of the conspiracy theory community as an excuse to suspend all rationality and intelligence because it’s so much easier to invent a conspiracy than to have to think about things.

I’m not saying this to bash the conspiracy theorist culture. I might not agree with a lot of what they say or how they think, but an awful lot of them arre very intelligent and thoughtful and creative. I feel like I have more in common with fringe people like that than I ever will have in common with the average person.

The people I am talking about are the climate change deniers and their ilk, like the anti-vaxxers or the anti-evolution crowd.

Deep down, they know their beliefs don’t stand up to even th4e most basic child-level kind of reasoning, and yet the ability to invent intricate  globe-spanning fictitious conspiracies in order to explain away all the flaws in their reasoning rather than actually addressing the problem has given shelter to many very bad ideas that shoould have been ruthlessly rooted out of the marketplace of ideas decades ago.

This supports a bewilderingly fertile and ever-blooming garden of rare and exotic hypocracies. The fact that a bunch of poor-bashing, immigrant-hating, compassion-lacking, military worshipping Americans can call themselves Christians boggles my mind. I have to wonder what the hell their religious leaders are telling them.

If I were a pastor (or the like) and I had that kind of a congregatioin, I would go gorilla poopy on them. I would tell them right to their faces that not only are they hnot Christian,. they are anti-christian. Antichrists. Satan’s butt buddies.

Seriously. I’d make Martin Luther look like Mister Rogers by camparison.

And the thing is, these people go to church and bible study classes and surround themselves with the iconography of Christ, and yet, do not burst into flame.

PErhbaps it is the deep down knowledge of their own unworthy souls that makes them cling to the external trappings of religion so hard.

It’s like they have hired the world’s loudest angelic choir in order to drown out the sound of their holy soul dying and Saran laughiung with glee.

Damn,  I should have been a preacher. I rock this kind of talk.

But there’s no such thing as an atheist preacher man (Iand now, Dawkins does not count). I could teach Christ’s message, poerhaps, but not the man’s divinity.

Pretty sure that would be a deal breaker with a lot of folks.

I will talk to yoiu nice people again tomorrow.