That’s lead the noun, not the verb. Still pretty depressed. Still po,laying video games (well, game, and you know which one) all the time vecause it’s the only coping mechanism I have at my disposal.

Everything I’m just doing something I enjjoy. All day. Every day. All the time when I am not writing, sleeping, or socializing with my friends is spent playing Skyrim.

And I suppose that, in a sense, it’s kind of astounding that one game has kept me occupied for this long. That’s unprecedented. And I don’t think it is the sort of thing that is ever going to happen again with any other video game.

Somehow, Skyim inspired an enormous nuimber of people to make their own stuff, and they are still making it today despite the fact that the game came out in 2011. The creative community Skyrim attracted is bigger than any other that I have ever heard of, and that means you have so much content out there that someone like me can keep playing for what has to be hundreds of hours now.

Plus, the game itself has chieved something very precious in its genre : there are millions of ways to play it. And those ways change the way you play the game.

I’ve told you about character builds before. I’ve gone through dozens. And each made the game new and fresh again because they make you play the game a new way, using different techniques and strategies.

For example, my current character is an archer. Has crossbow, will travel. His aim is deadly but he’s not got a lot of hit point  and he only uses light armor.

That means I can’t go charging into battle like I could when I was playing a big hulking slab of beef of an orc. And it means I can’t play the game offense-forward like I did when I was a fire chucking mage, where yoiu rely on your ability to kill things faster than they can get to your wimpy berobed self.

It also means I can’t play “alone”. It’s a solo game, so in that sense I’m always playing alone. But in the game’s universe, I need followers and/or pets to do the charging into battle for me so I can hang back and take my shots.

Other builds, solo was possible but not necessary. My thudding huge orc found the “hit bad thing hard with big sword” strategy worked most of the time. My fire wizard couldn’t go solo at first but eventually became so damned deadly that he could take on a dragon and not only not break a sweat but actually make me feel sort of sorry for the dragon.

But not really. Most of the dragons in the game are evil fucks who kill humans for fun.

For my next build, I am going to be… a witch!

Don’t feel obligated to watch the whole thing.

But while looking for that, I found this, and loved it so much I just have to share it.

And THAT, my friends, is why Bugs Bunny will always be the king for me. Because he does stuff like that.

Look hot in a dress, too.

So yeah, a witch. Or at least, a female mage who wearas all block clothing and can both fry your ass will spells or summon something to do it for her.

I recently downloaded and installed a mod called Apocalypse Spells that ads a ton of utterly insane spells to the game, but since then, I am not been playing spellcasters, so I haven’t had a chance to really dig into them.

The ones I have come across on scrolls are amazingly creative and well thought out while also very awesome.

This is the kind of insanity I need to be a part of.

Oh right, insanity. I was going to talk about being depressed. Although it should be noted that writing about my Skyrim exploits has made me feel a lot better.

Maybe I will start a seperate blog just for my Skyrimming. ^[1] I’m not sure who would read such a thing. Other Skyrim junkies, perhaps.

Anyhow. Depression. Right.

My days are now spent like I’m a respectable family with a crazy cousin they keep chained up in the basement and never acknowledge but they can hear their thumping and howling and cries of rage and pain.

But they all pretend it isn’t happening because it’s all they knew how to do.

And the whole time, the beast was growing stronger…

I figure that, sooner or later, I will no longer be able to ignore or suppress the voice in my head that is in a lot of pain and very depressed and filled with all of depression’s badness.  The wall between me and this voice will crumble and I will have some kind of breakthrough (or breakdown) and I will just have to deal with things then.

I wish it could be different. But I am hedged in by fear. The fear of throwing myself back into the existential hell of infinite possibilities without the will to choose among them so all I can do is cover my eyes and ears and ignore the infinite hallway with its infinite doors that are always all around me.

There’s so many things you could do, whispers a voice in my head. You’re such a loser for not doing any of them. 

But that’s wrong. I can’t do anything, not in my current state. Not while I am still paralyzed by this fear of the big bad world.

Not while I feel so goddamned unsafe.

And that’s not going to change until I do the right things.

Things I am too scared to do.

It’s a heck of a catch, that Catch-22.

I miss being healthier. Somewhere between VFS and now, I fell apart.

And now I forget what goes where.

I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.