Going through my Facebook posts and culling out the good bits.

“Hey, can I try some of your chloroform? ”
“Sure!” I said. “Knock yourself out.

Mixing levels of swearing. :
“Well boys, it looks like we’re just gosh darn fucked. ”
“I don’t GIVE a motherfucking darn!”
“Ow! Oh, I gosh darn hit my thumb with that darned hammer. Hurts like a motherfucker.”

Line without a script : “Wow, you really put the emo… in emoji!”

Some people learn to drink in college. Others learn NOT to drink in college.

Dear Voices.com :
What you ad says : “Hire Voice Over Talent”.
What you meant to say : Hire Voiceover Talent.
Your version makes it sound like you want people to hire people with great voices, not talented people.
It’s one word for a reason, people.

My next theatrical production will be called “The Punster : A Play On Words”

I’m not a depressed loner.
I’m an urban hermit.

Television has taught me that coming home early from work never ends well.

Me, at a ferry terminal : But Chris DeBurg told me not to pay till I get there!

Approximately how old will I have to be before I can justify being cranky?

I bet kinky librarians use the phrase “leather bound” a lot.

Father : Who sat the baby down on the cheque for the landlord?
Oscar, cocktail dangling : Looks like you… got a little behind on your rent.

I wonder who shows up when a collection agency doesn’t pay its bills.