That’s hpow my brain feels right now.
Here, I will open up my skull so you can feel it yourself.
(SFX : Creaky lid opening, soft disturbing squishing)
I just finished a long and quite epic quest mod in Skytrim, the last part of which involves a hell of a lot of quite difficult fightng while trying to find my way through an underlit and visually boring dungeon (it’s a factor in the fatigue, trust me) that culminated in me having to fight the biggest fucking monster I have ever seen in the game, a giant brass monster who took many a concept and strategem to finally defeat.
In case that’s not clear (and why should it be), what I mean is that I had to think up and try many different ways to kill the fucking thing until I found omne that worked.
So right now I am in that special kind of mental state I used to find myself in after a very mind labor intensive exam. It is a lot like being drunk, only without the being relaxed and happy part. My brain is fried like baloney and I feel sort of like I just staggered out of an area hit by a bomb during the Blitz and I am still reeling from the shock.
So I figured this would be a great time for me to blog.
Hey, might as well make the most of this rare mental state. It takes a lot of strain to put me here and I am guessing (hoping) that my writing will be amusingly different if I write while I am feeling so mind blasted and slap happy.
Take that, Happy!
(SFX : Face being slapped, male voice saying “Ow!”)
Never could stand that guy.
Eventually, the adrenaline portion of this mental state will wear off and I will take a very deep nap. Right now, no matter how wigged out I feel, I could not sleep without the intervention of a very heavy sedative or a very heavy hammer.
Wouldn’t it be great if that’s all it actually took, just like in the cartoons? JUst a bomp over the head with a hammer and you get a little raised bump on the head and some deep peaceful sleep.
It would put the sleeping pill people out of business, unless they got in on the burgeoning new nap hammer business.
It was a pretty good quest mod and I got some pretty sweet gear out of it. The gear would be a lot sweeter if I was a warrior instead of being a mage, but whatever.
It’s the thought that counts. Plus, I can kill dragons with lightning, so that’s a plus.
This mental state is notg entirely unpleasant. There’s a certain giddiness that comes with being so mentally blasted. Perhaps that’s the sort of state the casual users of various stupefying chemicals enjoy.
Myself, I am too goddamned paranoid and controlling tofully enjoy being temporarily stupid. My sense of safety, such as it is, is dependent on keeping my wits about me and constantly trying to look in all directions at once in order to see danger coming in time to deal with it.
It’s no way to live, really. But it’s the only one I know.
I would be way better off if I could relax, trust the world, and free myself of this nightmare burden of anticipation. It would makes me a much calmer and happier and saner person if I could change that fundamental sense of how safe I am variable that got harshly set to “never ever ever safe” when I wasn’t even old enough to cross the street by myself.
I did it anyway, of course, but I wasn’t supposed to.
But I don’t know if it’s even physically possible to alter that variable. Like I keep saying, between birth and the sage of five, we acquire most of our adult brain mass. That means that trauma from that period can become part of the actual physical structure of the brain itself, and that’s not something you can fix with a nice long chat about our feelings over a hot cup of tea.
The best that I can hope for is to either get used to feeling unsafe and habituate myself towards sanity that way, or continue to lead the life of the recluse because I can only truly feel safe is when there are no people around to threaten me.
Not even my loved ones.
People have told me that part of the appeal of bondage play is the level of trust involved, and that would explain why I could never, ever, EVER be a part of it. I don’t trust anyone enough to let them tie me up. Nobody. I can’t even conceive of someone I would trust that much. It’s simply impossible.
God, the adrenaline is wearing off and I really want to nap now. But I have 200 more words to write and there’s a pizza on the way. So that’s not gonna happen.
UIt’s a lot like my inability to believe there is someone who can help me. Obviously that’s not true, because I have improved greatly under Doctor Costin’s care.
Therapy works, folks. It just takes a long time.
What I truly mean when I say nobody can help me is that there is nobody who can do it by being stronger than I am and thus being true authority to me. I have been mentally stronger and faster than those around me for my whole fucking life. The only people who could stand up to me enough to make me feel safe were both women with strong personalities who were tough enough to handle me.
But I was a kid then. I pnly got bigger and stronger as I aged. Now I literally cannot imagine someone being strong of mind and spirit and heart enough to make me feel like I was not all alone in the world and that someone was watching over me.
And I need that. I need it in order to finally finish my childhood and grow up.
But it just plain ain’t gonna happen.
So I am officially fucked.
And not in the good way.
I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.