I can’t even

I keep endingup feeling really bad lately and I am sick of it.

Right now, I am in the “post bad sleep” version of feeling really shitty. I feel all floaty and dizzy and shallow waves of vertigo are passing through me constantly. As a result, I am weaving a little as I sit, and I feel like I am going to fall, or that I am already falling, or something like that anyhow.

That means I am also playing tag with reality. Or maybe pat-a-cake. I keep drifting off then patiently towing myself back into focus. It’s quite tedious and irritating.

Oh, and I am sick.

Specifically, have the cold type thing that my roomies Joe and Julian also have. That officially makes this a “sick house”, or masoin maleur, as we called it back home.

So right now, I have heavy lung and a runny nose. No doubt my near future will involve a lot of mucus. I am very tired (of course) and the urge to hibernate is incredibly strong,. But I am too stubborn to give in to it.

I want to live, god damn it, not sleep my life away.

The sensible thing for me to do, because it’s worked in the past, would be for me to simply induge the urge to sleep until I catch up with my dreaming backlog and can approach the world with something like true wakefulness, at least for a little while.

But I don’t wanna. I want to be awake and do things and live some kind of life. I might not have much of a life but I want to live it just the same. The idea of spending all day asleep, even if it is jus for one day and for completely sensible and intelligent reasons, is appalling to me. I don’t want to get left behind by time.

So I fight it.

That makes even less sense than usual when I know damned well that I am sick. What do people tell sick people to do? Get plenty of fluids and plenty of rest.

Those two things always seem contradictory to me, because if you are getting plenty of fluids, your rest will be interrupted by getting up to go pee all the damned time.

Take it from one who knows.

But anyhow, clearly, the sensible thing to do when you are sick is to sleep as much as your body wants you to sleep. That way,m your body can fight the virus or whatever without your conscious mind around to divert precious resources into things like thinking and moving and such.

But still, I fight it.

I fight it like some prize fighter who has taken too many hits to the head this bout and is half-blind and staggering around the ring punching anything that looks like his opponent and really should just go down and stay down but the part of the brain responsible for such decisions left early to beat the traffic.

And there’s no ref around to declare a TKO. In fact, my opponent left too. It’s just me fighting the ghosts in my head in an empy boxing ring in an empty stadium, the lights turned off exscept for the ones in the ring.

It’s all very arty.

Well I am gonna hit the mat for a while, I will finish here when I get back up.

I feel a little better now.  Enough to get some more of my words out, anyhow.

Still not sure what to do about the Xbox One. I could sell it. I could use it. Both options have their ups and downs.

Maybe this is one of those times where I should just myself what I want to do about it. And the truth is that what I actuallt want to do is hook that sucker up. My inner chuild is quite excited at the idea of having an awesome new toy to play with, one that will let me finally be able to play the newest hotest games.

Then again, so does this PC of mine. It’s affordinf them that’s the tricky bit. I end up playing games that are at least four or five years old becauise those are the ones I can afford. New games are like $60-$80 and that is a bit too much for me,

Plus, with a price that high, eve n if I have the money, the option paralysis that comes with the higher financial stakes would be crippling.

I am such a mess.

But I am doing my best to banish such negative thoughts and build some kind of workable psyche for myself. And that’s made me start wondering about arrogance.

You see, I think one of my big problems when it comes to interacting with others is that I send mixecd messages. I pretend to be normal-ish and I am always polite and sensitive and nice and in that sense I am sending the message that I am harmless and nonthreatening, and therefore not particularly dominant or alpha.

At the same time, I have a quick, forceful, and powerful mind and a strong personality that constantly demands to be expressed. I am naturally a pretty pushy person due to this energy, and if I was less depressed, I think I would want to take charge a lot more than I do now, which is practically never.

That’s all quite alpha.

This mixed message confuses people and adds to the strange emotional affect that leaves me feeling like an alien whne people stare at me in blank incomprehension when I talk to them.

So I wonder if I would be better off just going with the side of me that it cocky and arrogant and thinks he’s the smartest guy in the world. It woulkd do wonders for my self-confidence, and it would send a clear message as to what to expect from me to the world. It would disinhibit me and give me access to assets like my charisma and force of personality and pursuasiveness.

And all that is really stopping me (besides mental illness) is fear of people thinking I am an obnoxious asshole.

There are worser fates.

I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.





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