Forgot to put this in yesterday’s blog entry.
Finally got this done yesterday :
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It’s a compilation of the best takes from a night of doing very short video bits for the Paragon project that I have been working on with Felicity and Garth.
It took me over a month to get done due to my running into technical issues, one of which was depression.
And my inclination is to feel terrible about that. To exoriate myself for failing my friends and letting everyone down by being such a colossal fuckup, even though this is totally something I should have been able to do in an hour overnight.
But that sort of thing is the main reason why it took me so long, technically issues aside. It’s the kind of thing that makes teckling the problem seem so hard and like something I would rather not even think about, and that kind of gets in the way of productivity.
It’s a highly self-destructive patttern and one I would be better off without.
But as much as it hurts me and makes me life suck, I also sort of… like it?
It feels good to take my stresses and tensions out on myself. It’s like an internalized abusive relationship. A version of my angry dad lurking within me.
But more than that. My father rarelty turned his anger on me. He was impatient with me but he was impatient with everybody. So perhaos I got the pattern of abuse – venting your anger against someone weaker – but not the actual behaviour.
He still did plenty of damage to me with his impatience. He’s probably a big part of why I am such a nervous person and why I always feel like I am doing things too slowly and that everything has to be done as fast as possible because I am late when I start.
Anyhow, back to the Paragon thing.
The technical issues really threw me off. It started with my usual video editing suite, Ulead VideoStudio, died and could not be revived.
Then came a long series of alternatives which all found their own way of not working.
Finally I came upon WeVideo, and while I am not fully conversant with how it does things yet, I was at least able to assemble the damned clips.
Now I will try my best to learn how to trim clips, insert clips, and so on.
I have the PDF manual to the app open but the instructions are not making a lot of sense to me. This is hardly unprecedented. I have a hard time learning from instructions. My mind just plain can’t turn instructions into actions withouit a hell of a lot of hard work. And even then, maybe not.
It’s like I have to learn everything my own way and if that way is not available, tough.
I’m so goddamned specialized. Super great in certain broad areas and terrible in all the others. There are times when I wish I had more generalized competence. Then I would not feel so helpless and dependent.
I need more sleep so I am gonna nap nao.
Aaaand I am back.
I’ve been so tired lately. And I am sleepy all the time. I am worried that this means that my (untreated) sleep apnea is getting worse and that I will be in serious trouble soon.
Adding fuel to the fire is that I had three seperate times yesterday, I had trouble brathing and had to empty out my lungs completely (like I do) many times in order to clear out the excess CO2 that pools at the bottoms of my lungs and takes up space that should go to absorbing oxygen from my breathing.
Or at least, that’s my theory.
And that CO2 accumulates while I sleep. My interrupted breathing keeps me from fully exhaling and thus getting rid of all of the CO2 from the inhalation.
So I am a tad worried.
And I find myself staring at the CPAP machine that has sat idle for at least three years at my bedside and I tty to will myself to use it. I
I know it works because I did use it when I first got it.
I was such a good boy back then. Took my pills and my insulin, used the CPAP machine, even tested my blood despite the pain.
Where did that guy go? I guiess he got older and lazier and became me. Right now, it’s all I can do to keep up with my medications.
I haven’t injected my insulin in at least six months, probably more. It’s one of those things that died when I fell down the Skyrim hole and I still haven’t revived it.
I just try to make it through the day with as little pain as I can manage.
I want more, I really do. But I get so tired.
God damn it, I just woke up and already I am nodding off at the keyboiard. What the actual fuck, man. I feel like a nacroleptic.
Any way I can take naps in lieu of others for a living?
‘Cause I’d make a million at that kind of job.
I try not to fight it. I know that if I am this tired, it most likely means I am way behind on sleep and so sleeping a lot could actually help me catchon my REM sleep and thus leave me far better off when I am finally done.
Sure doesn’t feel like it, though. Feels like the more I sleep, the sleepier I get, until eventually I just stop waking up entirely.
Not likely, I know, but it’s how it feels.
But of course, I don’t want to sleep the day away, Iwant to be alive and awake and enjoying my life and doiung stuff/ Even if most of that stuff is playing Witcher 3.
Sleeping all the time makes me feel like the hours of my life are being stolen.
Damn I wish I had more Diert Coke.
I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.