For some reason, that part of American Pie is stuck in my head right now.

Today’s been OK. MAde a lovely discovery at the Sav-on food where I do my weekly shopping (the one at Ironwood, if you’re curious) and what made it better was that it was the result of my showing a good deal more initiative than usual.

And I find that quite enouraging.

Here’s the gripping story : I was in the cookie aisle and looking at my usual purchases when I spied a package of the Voortman sugar free wafers that I love so much,.

This is not the first time this has happened. Twice before I had found a single package of these lovely yummy things, but those times, I looked all around the cookie aisle and couldn’t find any more, and left it at that.

But this time, I noticed that there was a store employee in the aisle, and that allowed me to make the logical leap to “they must sell these here SOMEWHERE”, and so I asked the store employee where to find more of them.

And then he, my guide, led me to a wondrous place where all manner of Voortman cookies could be found, including the three flavours of sugar free wafer cookies.

And there was much rejoicing. (SFX : “yaay!”)

So I bought one of each flavour. Technically, I don’t particularly like the chocolate one. but I have certain compulsions and one is iteration/non-repetition and so if I was getting three and there were three kinds, I had to get all three.

I have a lot of mental twerks like that. More than I care to think about. I mean, that non-repetition thing can be ferocious. Here’s an example.

Say there is a sale – three bags of Doritoes for eight bucks. That’s a pretty good sale. But then I look and there are only two kinds of Doritoes there that I like.

This instantly throws me into a existential bind. I want to take advantage of the deal,. but I can’t buy two of the same flavour and I can’t buy just two when the deal is for three. I just can’t.

So what happens? I buy zero bags of Doritos. It’s the only way out of the trap. A sane person would not be in a bind at all. They would get two of the same kind, or just two, and not even see a conflict there at all.

But for me, it’s not just a conflict but I experience acute stress till it is resolved.

The evidence that I have a touch of Asperger’s Syndrome keeps piling up.

Anyhow, so I bought one of each. The flavours, in my order of preference,  are chocolate, vanilla, and strawberry.

I have started with the chocolate, because yet another of my lifelong compulsions is to do things in ascending order of preference. That way things get better as they go, and I am very sensitive to that kind of thing.

That’s why I find the “eat dessert first” people hard to comprehend. If you start with dessert, then the rest of the meal will suck by comparison.

It’s like starting a symphony with the crescendo.

But I get that not everybody is wired that way. For some people, eating dessert first means they can enjoy the rest of the meal without the tension of having to wait for the really really good part. I respect that.

But for me, it’s clear  The trend must be an upward curve. Nothing else will do.

And that really does get me thinking about the whole Asperger’s thing. Maybe I really do have one foot in the leftmost part of the autism spectrum.

Let’s summarize the evidence :

1. I have had issues with shiny objects.  Sometimes some object, like someone’s earring or wind chime or such, will captivate my attention and I will find myself staring at it and finding it very hard to look away. And it feels like the strange mental sensation from it is slowly displacing everything else in my mind., a feeling I will call “whiting out”.
2. I have had similar experiences with flashing lights.  Whether it’s how a flashing Xmas light relfects of an Xmas tree ornament or flashing words on a digital display, the same “whiting out” can occur and as with the shiny object, I have to forcibly tear myself away from looking at it or I will disappear down the rabbit hole of this sensation and probably end up doing something crazy onjce enough of my conscious mind is blanked out.
3. Final one about light. Flickering light can hurt me. For example, one time in elementary school, one of the flourescent bulbs in our classroom began to flicker randomly. This caused a very painful sensation to build in my mind, something like fear mixed with a migraine headache. The pain got worse and worse but I didn’t even have the words to explain to the teacher what was bothering me. Good thing it had been replaced by the time we came back from recess.
4. Certain high frequences of sound make my whole nervous system go nuts. It’s that “nails on the chalkboard” feeling. But I hear it in otherwise normal sounds, like someone’s brakes squeaking when they stop at a traffic light or in certain kinds of otherwise great music.
5. High traditional IQ accompanied by low social IQ. As patient readers knows, I am crazy smart. Genius IQ, never had to study in school, etc. But I definitely feel like I never learned to pick up on social cues. I am fine with facial expressions, vocal tone, empathy, and all that. But there is a social frequency that informs the emotions and decisions of more typical human beings that I cannot hear. So for the most part, I can only guess based on what emotions I am picking up from people. And that’s not super effective.
6. Mental tics and compulsions. Like the ones I have discussed tonight. Like all compulsions, they are invisible when obeyed. But cross them and a horrible nameless dread rises up to enforce the compulsion.
7. Unusual and/or inappropriate affect.  Far too many times in my life I have found myself in the situation where it is clear some sort of reaction is expected of me but I haven’t the slightest idea what it is and so I end up disappointing, disgusting, or even angering people without any chance of preventing it. And that is very hard on someone who is as empathic as I am.
8. Early detached impericism and pursuit of truth via logical means.  I can’t remember a time when I did not have a sort of clinically detached outlook on life. It was especially absurd and troubling (or should have been) when I was a child. I made extraordinary logical demands on my teachers and others in my life because if something didn’t make sense to me, I felt compelled to pursue it until it did. On the other hand, I had almost no interest in toys of any sort. They weren’t stimulating enough. I wanted books and video games and comics – all high in mental stimulation and all something you could do alone.

Those are the ones I can think of off to top of my head. I am sure there are many more items that fit the pattern. I will likely add to the list in the future.

I’ve always been downright weird.

Turns out, there may be a diagnosable reason for that.

I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.