Been thinking about my being a vehement non-joiner lately.

It was brought on by the game I am playing, Witcher 1. There is a scene in which the leader of the non-human terrorist group the Scoia’tel demands that I choose between them or their bitter enemies, the Order of the Flaming Rose.

Well FUCK YOU,. elfy. You want to know how to instantly piss me off? Try to force me to choose sides. I’m not joining a goddamned thing and you can’t make me.

And those are, in essence, the dialogue options I chose. They were the ones that represented my actual emotions. I told Elf Boy that I was a Witcher and therefore neutral as hell.

He chose to interpret that to mean that I was now his enemy, and sicced a whole room full of enemies on me. The resulting fight was extremely difficult due to the odds, and there were times I was tempted to join him just to circumvent it. ^[1]

But I am nothing if not determined. So I perserved, beat the fight, and went on with the game. triumphantly pleased with myself.

But it got me to thinking about my whole non-joiner attitude and wonder what the hell that is all about. It’s definitely not normal for a human being to be so incredibly dedicated to their own total autonomy. So what the fuck, man?

One thing I know it is about is integrity. I absolutely refuse to violate my moral integrity for anyone and I sure as hell won’t do it just because someone told me to. I will do what I think is right every single time and there is absolutely no room in my mind for a higher moral authority than my own.

According to traditional Western individualist values, that’s exactly how I should be.  Our storytelling is replete with heroic figures who defy authority in order to do what is right and damn the consequences. We love that kind of story.

As long as we don’t wonder what that person is like in the rest of their life.

From another angle. my absolute rejection of any authority higher than my own seems like despicable arrogance bordering on delusions of grandeur. Who am I to go around acting like I am the smartest person in the world and nobody knows better than me?

To answer quite arrogantly. I don’t know that I am the smartest person in the world but I have never met anyone smarter than me and until I do, I will have to assume I am on my own and have to figure things out for myself because I am the only one I trust to produce answers I consider to be correct.

Should I ever meet someone smarter than me – and I really, really want to – I will want to stay around them and learn from them. I will become. in essence, their acolyte.

But I won’t be surprised if I figure them out and surpass them, either.

And from a third point of view. my non-joiner attitude seems downright hostile. And I can’t argue with that. There is a lot of anger in it. The kind of anger that can only come from things which threaten our sense of identity.

From my point of view. people have been trying to trick me into signing over my autonomy to some goddamn group for my whole life and it pisses me off.

It’s not gonna happen. Leave me the fuck alone.

But I can see it from an outside point of view and from that angle it is clearly both insane and extremely hostile.

Some nice person offers me a place in a group which they love and feel is a good and wonderful thing, and I react with a swift vehemence that, even at its most polite, can’t be interpereted as anything but violent rejection.

And I hate that. I hate that I am so socially damaged that I end up hurting people who were only trying to help me. I hate that I am so psychotically devoted to my own autonomy that I reject a lot of things that would probably do me a lot of good.

But that’s not going to change any time soon. I can strive to be as diplomatic as possible when turning down such offers, but there are always going to be the people who keep pressing and wanting to know why and then I will end up telling them and they will be hurt because they do not understand.

It’s bad news all around, is what I am saying.

Here is what I am imagining when I am asked to join something :

Group member : Welcome to the group!
Me : Thanks! Glad to be a part of it.
Group member : Great! Now we are all going to go do this thing.
Me : I find said thing morally unacceptable and refuse to do it.
Group member : But you have to… you’re one of us. 

Well fuck YOU. I am one of ME. End of story.

Better off not joining in the first place, n’est-ce pas?

But that doesn’t answer the fundamental question of why I am like this. It certainly has something to do with trust. I have massive trust issues, presumably because I was raped at the age of 4 then reinforced by how the world treated me.

And so to be a “joiner” I would have to trust the group in question to never, ever ask me to violate my conscience, and that is a hell of a lot of trust, at least for me.

I could quite easily be part of a team with a clear task, like a workplace. But it would have to be the sort of job that I largely do by myself.

If I have to actively collaborate with others all the time, I had better learn to like and trust those people really fast or there is a high chance of trouble.

But outside a scenario where “because I said so” is a perfectly good reason to do a thing because that’s what I am being paid to do, you will not find me joining teams or choosing sides any time soon.

As it turns out, refusing to join the Scoia’tel caused the Order to decide I had joined them and there wasn’t a goddamned thing I could do about it.

Oh well. They will learn their mistake when they try to give me orders. I am no more one of them than I am a Scoia’tel.

But if I had to… had I been given a clear choice and no other options.. I would have gone with the Order because the Scoia’tel are goddamned terrorists who hurt innocent people in the name of their “cause” and the Order at least represents… well order.

I agree that nonhumans are treated very shittily by humans in the world of the game.

But I can’t condone or even indirectly aid those who hurt the innocent while saying “sacrifices must be made”.

Fuck you. As the great sage John of Lennon said :

But if you want money for people with minds that hate
All I can tell you is brother you’ll have to wait. 

Besides, the Order seems genuinely dedicated to fighting evil.

But I am ready to dump them if they turn out to be corrupt.

Because I don’t join sides. I follow my ideals.

And if that makes me arrogant, so be it.

I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.